Wasted

I'm drunk. 

High and drunk and just fucked my boyfriend. Like a fucking porno...I don't know what comes over me when I'm like this but my sex drive is out of control... Probably because I'm not thinking about how fat I am for once...

I love him. I wish I didn't. He's such a piece of shit. But I love him. 

Bird texted me. It's been so long I had given up on him. But he did. 4:45am. Some punctuation. 

I told myself I wouldn't text back but I'm thrilled he still wants me. Or at least thinks he wants me. 

Maybe if I ever man up enough to leave this asshole, I'll have someone who can at least take me on a date and spend some money on me before I fuck them. 

I'm over all this shit, yo. 

It's almost time to fly solo. 

Who is me?

When I read my last entry, I don't even remember myself... The past few months have been insane. 

I'm working two jobs, still fat, and have no time for me ever. 

I need to regain me. But it's hard when you're physically exhausted all the time from working but can't give up any work without that leading to no bills getting paid. There's so much I wish I could just walk away from, but it's not that easy...

I'm tired of my life. My body, my relationships, my jobs, and my person who should be so much more developed by now...

I need drastic change but don't know how to make that happen. 

Huge and Hungry for Change

I'm huge.

I was looking back through my facebook today at photos of myself with shorter hair and tanner skin and thinner... Back when I was partying every night and feeling fabulous...

I want that me back. I want her, not this body I'm trapped in. I need to lose weight. Seriously. I need to get my shit in order and drop the twenty pounds making my face look like a blimpie sub.

I know my issue... I'm just a mess. That's literally the issue. I'm a huge mess who spends no time on herself because she's so preoccupied with all the shit everyone else puts on her. I've been struggling financially, goals-wise, and with my relationship and weight...

I want ME back. I had me for a while... A year ago, and even just several months ago... I was selfish. I was doing only what I wanted and nothing I didn't want to do. And then at some point, I put on my girlfriend/mom/model employee pants, and they're two sizes too big...

I'm very torn about the boyfriend going away for a while... I selfishly want him here every moment because I adore him so much, but at the same time I know it might be good for me because I'll be forced to focus on myself and only myself.  MY finances, MY body, MY weight, MY goals, ME, and no one else.

But the other half of me is extremely depressed lately.

I'm so emotional and upset and torn over so many things. I know it all boils down to the fact that I don't know what's about to happen to the boyfriend, but that knowledge doesn't help when I have my breakdowns. I start sobbing lately SO easily. I was holding him on the couch last night and started crying, started crying when I was laying in bed with him this morning, started crying on my way home from work... Started crying just now writing this.

I'm scared to be alone. So scared...

The Boston marathon tragedy that happened yesterday is all over the place, and I saw this image last night.

The boy's girlfriend died. And he sobbed over her body and refused to leave her.

It kind of put things into perspective a bit, and I know it's morbid, but I started thinking... He can never get her back. Ever. No matter what, she's gone. And I need to realize I'm lucky that at least I'll be able to have my darling back at the end of all of this.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll be a little more focused on me and myself and feel better about every other element of my life.

I can't let anything hold me back... Not even myself.

B&P

Spent all day yesterday binging and purging. I didn't even get anything accomplished on my day off because that's literally all I did.

I'm worried when the bf is gone and I'm alone it will happen way too much... I'm so worried.

Time passed and things changed

It's been so long since I've posted anything. My life has been a beautiful disaster over the past year. I can't even begin to catch up on what's happened and what's about to happen, but... Here's something...

I have a new job. This came about not by choice, but because my previous place of employment went out of business. It's going ok I guess... I work a LOT of hours, and the staff is nice enough. There are no super pushy guys trying to fuck me all the time, which is a plus... The only thing I miss is having REAL friends at work... Jenny and Gerard and  Bird and everyone else... They were like my family.  

However, Gerard and I are no longer friends. Basically, he's too fucked up... Makes wrong decisions too often, and turns out was not a good friend to me when it really counted, when he should have been. I haven't talked to him since January. I don't really miss him personally, as horrible as that sounds... But I do miss his accessibility. I miss how he listened to my whining and always told me everything would be ok and how I could call him to hang out at a moment's notice and he would be there... I don't have anyone like that in my life currently. It actually really stinks.

Bird and I still talk. He wants to hang out, and I've made plans I didn't go through with twice... Partially because I've gained weight and partially because the prospect of seeing him makes me nervous. I miss him, but I know if I hang out with him, he'll try to fuck me, and I don't want that... I don't want to mess around with him anymore, regardless of how much attention he pays me. I want to be faithful to my boyfriend. He's worth it to me.

The boyfriend and I are doing amazing... We've been through a LOT over the past few months, and our relationship has been... Well, insane, basically... But after many nights of arguing and screaming and fighting and breaking up, we've finally reached this place where it feels right, and it's working. He stopped drinking, and he's become this whole other person.. The person I always knew he could be. He treats me amazingly, like I'm the most desirable beautiful treasure of a woman God ever created. I never knew someone could complete me so much, and I really feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I love him more deeply than I even loved my ex, and MUCH more deeply than I ever loved the husband... It's so different.

The only issue is his incredible amounts of baggage, some of which is really going to affect my life soon. He got arrested, for a violation of probation. And now he has a trial on the 24th and the judge will tell us what's going to happen. Basically, I'm pretty certain he's going to serve some time. And I'll be alone.

So alone. I'm worried about it. I've never been alone, and without him to spend my every day with, I'll be more alone than I've EVER been. I barely have any close friends now because of changing jobs, getting rid of some people who didn't deserve my time, etc. I honestly just hope I don't go crazy.

I've been feeling my ED creep back up on me, and I know when he's gone it's going to run rampant. Part of me is ready for that... I've been wanting to get my skinny body back, and it's time... But I'm also nervous about how bad I could get...

Only time will tell.

Today's goal: 500 calories and no weed.

Think thin, ladies.

Ugly doormat

Standing up for myself is hard.

SO hard for me... Why is that?? Why is it impossible for me to put myself first? To show some self respect? To care for myself?

My horoscope today said I should put myself first. To not take shit from anyone basically... I tried to be nice. I tried to have a normal conversation. But how can two fucked up people even have a normal conversation? Is it even possible?

I'm tired of the way I'm treated. I'm tired of giving all of myself to someone who doesn't do the same. And I'm tired of fixing it every time.

I can't anymore. I can't be a door mat. There's a big beautiful shiny life out there and I didn't end one awful situation to jump into another.

Weighing the pros and cons of being together or parting ways and both look amazing right now.

I'm tired of not controlling my own life and letting other people and situations do it for me.

All I want is to be made to feel special. Like in worth something... Anything... To anyone.

I want someone to see the beauty in me. To understand me. To listen and care and want me on my terms, even when I'm at my worst.

I want true love. And I don't think I've ever had it. I don't even know if its possible. How could anyone love something so ugly?

Focus pocus

The eating over the past two days has been good. I've been restricting and not even missing food honestly... I've been too preoccupied with other things...

Bird is being weird. I got drunk last night and texted him asking him why... He told me he's sorry... I need to just get away from him for a while. I got a little attached I suppose, just like he did. Only I'm the one that said no.

Gerard is getting sick of me; I feel it. He's tired of me hiding our friendship, talking about Bird, talking about the boyfriend. He's such a good friend to me. I hope he never decides to ditch me... Lately I feel like everyone is, and I hate it...

My job sucks hard. I hate it. And honestly after the holidays I'm going to look for a new one... I need a change. New faces and a new place and some new friends and management... I feel bored.

I also need to focus in life... I need grad school to be a reality. I need success and a real job and security in something. I need to finalize my divorce. I need my boyfriend to be less serious about me and to have less baggage... That last ones not possible and I know it. It's not his fault, but I feel slightly held back by him. I let myself get distracted with things, take on too much, handle everyone else's problems before my own and I need to stop doing that.

I need to focus on ME.

And my 800cals a day.