Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Huge and Hungry for Change

I'm huge.

I was looking back through my facebook today at photos of myself with shorter hair and tanner skin and thinner... Back when I was partying every night and feeling fabulous...

I want that me back. I want her, not this body I'm trapped in. I need to lose weight. Seriously. I need to get my shit in order and drop the twenty pounds making my face look like a blimpie sub.

I know my issue... I'm just a mess. That's literally the issue. I'm a huge mess who spends no time on herself because she's so preoccupied with all the shit everyone else puts on her. I've been struggling financially, goals-wise, and with my relationship and weight...

I want ME back. I had me for a while... A year ago, and even just several months ago... I was selfish. I was doing only what I wanted and nothing I didn't want to do. And then at some point, I put on my girlfriend/mom/model employee pants, and they're two sizes too big...

I'm very torn about the boyfriend going away for a while... I selfishly want him here every moment because I adore him so much, but at the same time I know it might be good for me because I'll be forced to focus on myself and only myself.  MY finances, MY body, MY weight, MY goals, ME, and no one else.

But the other half of me is extremely depressed lately.

I'm so emotional and upset and torn over so many things. I know it all boils down to the fact that I don't know what's about to happen to the boyfriend, but that knowledge doesn't help when I have my breakdowns. I start sobbing lately SO easily. I was holding him on the couch last night and started crying, started crying when I was laying in bed with him this morning, started crying on my way home from work... Started crying just now writing this.

I'm scared to be alone. So scared...

The Boston marathon tragedy that happened yesterday is all over the place, and I saw this image last night.

The boy's girlfriend died. And he sobbed over her body and refused to leave her.

It kind of put things into perspective a bit, and I know it's morbid, but I started thinking... He can never get her back. Ever. No matter what, she's gone. And I need to realize I'm lucky that at least I'll be able to have my darling back at the end of all of this.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll be a little more focused on me and myself and feel better about every other element of my life.

I can't let anything hold me back... Not even myself.

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