Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Time passed and things changed

It's been so long since I've posted anything. My life has been a beautiful disaster over the past year. I can't even begin to catch up on what's happened and what's about to happen, but... Here's something...

I have a new job. This came about not by choice, but because my previous place of employment went out of business. It's going ok I guess... I work a LOT of hours, and the staff is nice enough. There are no super pushy guys trying to fuck me all the time, which is a plus... The only thing I miss is having REAL friends at work... Jenny and Gerard and  Bird and everyone else... They were like my family.  

However, Gerard and I are no longer friends. Basically, he's too fucked up... Makes wrong decisions too often, and turns out was not a good friend to me when it really counted, when he should have been. I haven't talked to him since January. I don't really miss him personally, as horrible as that sounds... But I do miss his accessibility. I miss how he listened to my whining and always told me everything would be ok and how I could call him to hang out at a moment's notice and he would be there... I don't have anyone like that in my life currently. It actually really stinks.

Bird and I still talk. He wants to hang out, and I've made plans I didn't go through with twice... Partially because I've gained weight and partially because the prospect of seeing him makes me nervous. I miss him, but I know if I hang out with him, he'll try to fuck me, and I don't want that... I don't want to mess around with him anymore, regardless of how much attention he pays me. I want to be faithful to my boyfriend. He's worth it to me.

The boyfriend and I are doing amazing... We've been through a LOT over the past few months, and our relationship has been... Well, insane, basically... But after many nights of arguing and screaming and fighting and breaking up, we've finally reached this place where it feels right, and it's working. He stopped drinking, and he's become this whole other person.. The person I always knew he could be. He treats me amazingly, like I'm the most desirable beautiful treasure of a woman God ever created. I never knew someone could complete me so much, and I really feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I love him more deeply than I even loved my ex, and MUCH more deeply than I ever loved the husband... It's so different.

The only issue is his incredible amounts of baggage, some of which is really going to affect my life soon. He got arrested, for a violation of probation. And now he has a trial on the 24th and the judge will tell us what's going to happen. Basically, I'm pretty certain he's going to serve some time. And I'll be alone.

So alone. I'm worried about it. I've never been alone, and without him to spend my every day with, I'll be more alone than I've EVER been. I barely have any close friends now because of changing jobs, getting rid of some people who didn't deserve my time, etc. I honestly just hope I don't go crazy.

I've been feeling my ED creep back up on me, and I know when he's gone it's going to run rampant. Part of me is ready for that... I've been wanting to get my skinny body back, and it's time... But I'm also nervous about how bad I could get...

Only time will tell.

Today's goal: 500 calories and no weed.

Think thin, ladies.

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