Thin rope snapped

What am I doing???

Excitement, newness, hands, shakes, scratches, games, strength, words, words, words...

Birdie that I work with is bulimic. But they don't want her.

They want me. Any piece of me they can have. As much or as little as I care to give.

They're just thankful.

I don't understand, and I don't want to.

I don't want to care that much. I don't want to have emotions.

I just want to magically have everything I want and be thinner than the thinnest.

I want it all.

EDIT:

Favorite game to lose.

I'm enjoying myself more than u think.

I may or may not ever hang out with you again/I hope you do.

This is not a date.

Is your question answered?

You should have kissed me sooner.

Let's play the question we played last night.

Disappointment in the eyes of the one who cannot talk to you for 24 hours.

Hands going further and further.

This won't be awkward will it?

Fat and drunk

Here I sit again. Fat and drunk.

Guys at work want to fuck me. Several of them... More than two, but two are obvious about it. And if I were single I would do both of them.

I don't know why they want it so bad. I'm a fat gross cow while my other female coworkers get tan and thin for summer.

My husband freaks out because I'm going out too much after work with my coworkers and it reminds him of the past. Of Chevy.

I'm stupid. But I like the attention. The drama. I need it. But whyyyyyy?

I've never gotten over the time my hubby told me I was getting fat. And he's never gotten over the fact that I got involved with Chevy.

These two things are not good for our relationship because they lead me to be attracted to guys who pay me attention and him to freak out over it.

Fuck me. Why am I like this?

Why do I always want a Chevy?

Lake day and losing.

Down another pound this morning. This is the lowest I've weighed in months, and it feels great.

Today is my ooonly day off from work for another week, and the hubby and I are going to the lake for the day. No breakfast and a ton of watermelon packed for lunch!

Bring on the sunshine.

Think thin, ladies.

A little less

A little less every day.

A little less weight. A little less food. A little less hatred for my body.

I really want to go to the gym tomorrow, and I'm hoping I'll be well enough to do so. I still feel pretty sick, but I'm trying not to let it stop me from losing weight!

Today's planned eats:
Fish and veggies - 200 cals
Soup or salad - 50-100 cals
Tea biscuits - 150 cals
Total: 400-450 cals and some wiggle room.

Think thin ladies.

2 pounds and a pounding headache

I'm down 2 pounds this morning.

It's so satisfying. Even though I'm sick, I feel the strength to continue and lose this weight. I just wish I didn't have to take antibiotics, because if I don't eat something really substantial with them I get sooo nauseous and will throw them up... Which just leads to being sick longer and not going to the gym!

I do not want to work tonight... But I need the money. I spent a lot more than planned this month on my birthday, ($100 on a new outfit!) and now I'm a but behind on my savings. I freaking hate money.

Well I need to run. Have a thin-tastic day all.

Planned eats:
Half a bagel with marmalade and oj - 230 cals
Salad at work - 150 cals
Tea and biscuits - 120 cals
Total: 500 cals

Sick and going out

I would just like to start out by saying I hate Crystal Renn. She's in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition this year... The girl who wrote a book about how being fat is ok!? Her yo-yo career annoys the piss out of me...

But anyway...

I'm fucking sick. Whyyy every time I get my motivation back do I get some kind of fucking virus and end up practically bed-ridden!?

I went out last night with some girls I work with to dinner and mia'd. It's amazing how quickly and easily I fall back into it... I should have ordered a salad like Kitty did. Even Dani ate something healthy. I, on the other hand, shamefully ordered something I could easily yack, got drunk, and came home and ate tortilla chips and ice cream.

This morning I'm down a bit. I plan on 500 cals today and resting as much as possible so I can get better and get back to the gym.

Interesting thing last night... During our conversations throughout the evening I found out a girl I work with is bulimic. This is going to sound sick, but I was elated at this info. In fact I was sitting at the table listening to Kitty talking about her and I was thinking, "I hope it's not registering on my face how much this is intriguing me."

The girl is gorgeous. I mean truly amazingly beautiful and super thin. And hearing that she's like that... I felt a surge of hope. Sick, I know.

But... That's me.

Sick.

Think thin, ladies.

Time to be happy

I don't know what to do with myself...

I thought I had it together... My birthday is what fucked it up.

I thought, "I'm getting too old for this. I need to stop the ED behavior... I need to eat like a normal person."

I can't.

I started crying on the drive to work yesterday. Tears streaming down my face for no apparent reason.

I'm unhappy.

Very very very unhappy, and I've been trying to look on the bright side of things for MONTHS. Trying to think and feel like, "Well at least my bills are paid. At least I have an amazing husband who loves me. At least I have a goal and dream I know I can achieve."

But it's not enough.

I want to be thin, and no matter how old I get or how much everything else in my life is going okay, I will not be happy until I am.

The plan: (And yes, I know I'm often planning and rarely achieving.)
Lose weight. A lot of weight. Soon.
No adderall.
500 cals max per day.
Workout 3x per week.

Today's planned intake:
B: Tea - 0 cals.
L: Salad at work - 150 cals.
D: Soup when I get home - 150 cals.
Total: 300 cals.

Tomorrow I will up to 500 and throw in a workout.

It's time. It's time to be happy.