Jumble

Last night I overdid it. My body was kind. Today I did well until 3pm. Then a binge and purge happened. 

I feel good right now. I’ve been feeling good lately. My body feels stronger and not so weighed down. I think I’ve built more muscle over the past couple weeks being more active also. 

I need to be thin. I was thinking of the past driving around and wearing a bikini in the summer in the sun. I want that again. My age doesn’t matter. I don’t know how to dress like I should. I just need to be thin. I hate myself right now. 

I go to the park and compare. I’m not the worst. There’s cellulite worse than mine. Hair worse than mine. More rolls. Worse clothing. Butterfaces. Wonder how they criticize me in their heads. I know that the women here are not representative of the people I want to be around. I want to be a beautiful person. 

I want to be thin. 

Fuck you body

Today was a rough day. 

My body is fighting me. It has been nauseous from hunger the past two days. 

It’s survivable. 

I wait as long as I can to feed myself and I’m very selective. This afternoon my coffee wasn’t sitting well and my blood sugar was low. 

Solution = throw up. 

Acid gone, nausea lessens. I eat something small. Next wave, I have an edible. It makes me too relaxed for work.

I won’t do that again. Work is supreme over all. 

But I feel capable of being able to fuel myself just enough to get through my responsibilities and then collapse. I just need my body to realign. I know it will. It will shrink a bit and recognize that it can’t bully me into feeding it more than I want to. 

Today’s eats:

B: coffee

L: Chex mix - 220 cals 

D: chicken and broccoli - 300 calsish

Livable. 

I’m hungry now but I like to go to bed this way. I remember when I was my thinnest I would cup my hip bones in my hands and fall asleep like that. 

I miss it.

I don’t even care what my body looks like as much as I do the way it feels. I just want to feel good in it again. And the only way that happens is when it feels a little bad. 

Sleep now. Elliptical 6am. Think thin. 

Pushing past the limit

I don’t know why I pretend like sometimes I can step away from my eating disorder. I don’t think fighting it even works. I’m so disordered, and I don’t even care. I think everyone is like this. So I want to just allow myself the shit.

If there is misery with Ana and Mia, and misery without them, then I just have to choose what misery I can live with. And a fat body is not a life I can live.

I don’t want to be my mom. It’s always this, isn’t it?

I recognize being thin will not solve it all. I might still end up like her. I think her life is terrible, and I’m horrified that it will be mine one day - to just feel unhappy constantly. I would hate to never feel happy like she never does. 

And being fat is one of the few unhappys in my life that I can do something about.

I’m trying not to eat. 

Not the “trying not to eat bad stuff,” or “trying to only eat a certain number or calories,” bullshit. I’m just trying NOT to eat. When hunger arises, I check in with when the last time I ate was and when the next time I’m expected to publicly eat and what that will be to make a determination if I have the permission to eat or not. 

Todays eats:

B: coffee

L: 1 slice cheese pizza, brownie

D: Xanax 

When hungry, just drink water, take caffeine, smoke or eat an edible or pop a xan all day long… then be careful with that night time munchies. 

Last night munchies got me. I was too hungry, and when I smoked, I got too relaxed. I think no weed past 9 needs to be a thing. Like last time I can smoke in the evening is before baby bath.

Rules (don’t we live for them?):

-Wake your ass up at 6.

-Take your meds and a green tea pill.

-Work the fuck out. 

-Shower.

-Brew coffee. 

-Go to work. 

-Slowly sip coffee for several hours. 

-Drink alotsa water. 

-Lunch: 1-200 calories and as much neg cal foods as possible. 

-More caffeine if needed until 2pm. 

-Get off work. 

-Smoke. 

-Cook & eat a meal that’s 2-300 calories. 

-Smoke, edible, smoke, smoke.

-Stop smoking 8:30pm

-Theraflu or w/e to fall asleep. 

-Asleep by 10:30. 

I can’t waste my life hiding and eating in secret anymore. 

I need to get some theraflu. Tomorrow I am going to exercise ffs. By 6:30am my ass needs to be on the elliptical. 

Think thin. 

Introspection sucks

Hit in the brain with… idk.

Two things:

I never had nurture in my life, and made choices that will lead to likely never having it. 

I rejected it in the past when I experienced it, because I felt I was not deserving.

Expansion on the themes:

I don’t get nurture in my life. 

Fucking. At all. 

No one babies me. No one has for a very long time. I am now the babier, and I don’t really like it. It actually makes me quite unhappy. I do find value in doing it for all my boys, but it’s mostly pretty thankless and definitely sacrificing in nature. Not only am I the babier, who never gets babied, but I also don’t get a lot of gratitude 

As discussed previously. Let’s not rehash it.

Moving on with this theme. 

I always thought you were supposed to have someone in your life who babies you for your whole life. But maybe that’s not true. Or maybe I just never will because of the events of my life and choices that I made. I had options to get babying from 3 sources in life- boys, parents, and others. 

Expansion on this…

I used to have my parents. I used to be able to - every once in a while - ask for nurturing, and get it, if I pleased them. Now, I don’t have that option. I don’t miss the experience specifically from them. It just used to give me hope when they did it that one day, someone out there would do it better. Do it right. 

But no one ever did. 

Every relationship I have ever had involved me taking care of the other person more. It was always me who was leaned on. 

The first man I married was nurturing in the same way as my parents - only when you kept him happy. 

BUT. 

He was good when I shit-tested him. And boy did I ever. I feel bad for him that he had to deal with it for 4 years at its worse, and I wonder if he really contributed to my terrible sense of self as much as I have insisted in the past that he did, or if it was just me all along. I wish I could watch footage of the past like a movie. I know my memory is not reliable by many accounts. I wish I could know the objective truth. 

Anyway. He knew enough to recognize in those moments of my deepest insecurity tantrums that all he had to do was say, “you’re beautiful,” and it would erase the issue. 

Disgustingly enough. 

All I ever want even now is to be told that. I’m old and not beautiful anymore, and I want my partner to treat me like he did when I was 22. Maybe that’s a completely unrealistic expectation. Maybe all men at some point stop babying their wives. 

The “you’re beautiful,” becomes, “shut up, please, you know you’re beautiful,” and then just, “shut up.” 

So I don’t know what’s really realistic, but I do know that I chose an un-nurturing man to marry. When I tantrum, he explodes. 

I stopped trying long ago to get him to react with babying. I even tried telling him flat out what to say and do, but it never stuck. It’s been 10 years, and the two recent tests just had the same exact outcome as all the ones from the younger days. He just doesn’t get it. 

But now, even when I need just basic empathy, it’s not available. It’s not his fault. He was viciously abused. He was never taught to be empathetic - just to defend himself. And he can’t stop. He can’t stop defending himself, even when there is no attack and no enemy. His defenses rise to the heavens at a moments notice. I know he tries. But I also know him increasing his empathy is my goal for him, and not necessarily his goal for him. And I can’t force it. I love him and chose to be with him knowing this limitation - that was my choice.

And babies. I don’t get it from them. The step kids aren’t mine. It’s not really comfortable or appropriate for me to get any kind of nurturing (not babying - just affection and attention) from them. 

And my own little one just isn’t that, and may never really be it. He gives me small moments that keep me going enough to mommy him, but that’s about it. I enter and leave the experiences with my tank no more or less full - breaking even on the daily. 

Second thought:

When I experienced true nurturing from boys in the past, it would always strike me as a little… annoying. It made me look down on them. I thought they were pathetic when they were nice. It actually made me feel extremely uncomfortable. 

I think this is because I never had it before from anyone healthy. I always experienced it from people whom I had to prove my worth to to get it. I had to earn it in some way, and it was used to guilt me or manipulate me. 

“But look how much I love you - I baby you when you act right.” 

But then I could never continue to please them, so I felt it unachievable, and therefore strayed away from it. Why would I accept nurturing when nurturing meant I had to keep someone happy? When someone’s a fuck head then I know where we stand. 

Is that better or worse? 

Is it better to be flat out told how someone is feeling and handle the gut punch in one foul swoop, or to feel it gradually - ache creeping in like fog and deflating you slowly like a balloon with a pinhole in it. Sometimes, if you’re still enough, it won’t even let out some of the air for a second, and you can pretend you still have a perfectly good balloon. 

I don’t know what is better, but I know what I chose. 

When all else fails you, starve

The past two days I have barely eaten. It feels good. Its not from a good place. It’s from too much time on my hands and too many things attacking my self esteem on the daily. It’s from feeling like I have absolutely no fucking control over anything in my life, and I’m horrified of the future. 

So we at least make sure when we get there, we are thin. 

Xanax, edible, smoke a flowers, cough syrup, and feel just fucked up enough to finally fucking relax. I earned it. I’m going to start rewarding myself for not eating just like this. And my body will shrink away nice and steadily. And maybe I’ll figure out soon how to be selfish enough to demand workouts. I have a thought about it to look into this week.

I need to make it this week. I need to fix this shit. 

Fuck you, Cally, you piece of shit. I’m glad your stomach has hunger pangs right now. You deserve it. Now go find some eye candy to ogle, you closeted lesbian piece of trash. You’re obsessed with things you’ll never achieve, because you’re not special. Bogs was wrong. Even your own parents don’t fucking like you. And when you stop fooling them, they all leave. So you need to look the part. Then fooling them is a lot easier. 

I want to be the one whose hands fidget and heart races when there is food involved. 

I fought off sushi, burgers, sandwiches, brownies, you name it. I didn’t even have bites of things. Idk I’m over this piece of shit body. 

Kill her. 

Just wish happy was a thing

I said the things to my kids. It’s all in a good place. My husband is being terrible… he was gone for a week and came home and has been sick for the past week. He has been needy and grouchy and depressed and angsty and awful to live with, and I’ve been working my ass off taking care of a toddler and the big kids and him.

I called him selfish tonight. 

I meant it.

I said, “the past two weeks have made me realize how selfish you really are,” and he had no response except to reiterate that once he graduates nothing is keeping us together. I told him he can feel free to plan his life to exit then. Because I’m over it. I’m really going to start saving money for myself. I need to look at exiting. 

This thought about moving abroad is confusing to me and, I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not. If our relationship had been different the last 9 months, I would feel differently. I worry about my kids. I worry about feeling stuck there like I did with the ex when I moved. I worry about the language barrier and the disconnect that will happen with work. 

I guess the worst case scenario is I take baby and run. I don’t have to stay there. A plane ride will not stop me. It is completely illogical to go. But I never cared about logic. Maybe if I did I would be a little better off. 

My self esteem has been in the toilet the past week. The week prior I tried to enjoy drinking and being home alone. It was not good. I was depressed af. I got a lot done but struggled. The combo was not good for my brain. This week I’m in hustle mode. I don’t get any other option. I truly also think I’m bipolar. 

My eating disorder is scratching to get out. Clawing. I didn’t eat today except a banana and a coffee. Lunch was split off, dinner involved insults, so I used that to re cut. I turned on my attitude intentionally. I wanted to eat and was looking forward to it, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be. 

I’m so fat. 

I have a double chin and cellulite and a flabby belly and huge jiggly arms and all the fat stores everywhere that make me look like my gross mom who I don’t like. I need to get it under control. Idk how that’s supposed to happen atm, but I gotta get there. My body and mind need it. I need to lose weight. I think baby might be at an age where I can get away with doing it in the mornings.

Monday we will try.  

My brain is doing that thing it did with the ex… where it’s like “we’re not happy, so it’s time to try things to make us happy.” It’s always substances, weight loss, boys, and making some huge life change… I know substances is out. Boys literally never help. Going to try weight loss. Still on the fence about the life change. 

I’m not really sure what factors are making me unhappy. Last time it was the man I was married to. It might be this time too… Previously, the big change of grad school was a great choice. The move to AN was not. Move to Ot good. Move to the village no. Baby was about 50/50 in all honestly - special needs was not on the menu. 

So who knows? Happiness comes out of trial and error. 

My baby is my world. I love him. I want him to be happy, and I hope that’s possible in the world we live in. I worry about him every day because he will have to face terrible things in the world. He can’t have them at home also. And if I have to sacrifice my marriage to help my child, I will. My husband knows this. He realizes there is no other path. It has to be me. This is larger than me. I didn’t choose for it to be like this, but I will honor my role as his mother with patience and sacrifice and effort until the day I take my last breath. And my fear is that that will happen before his, and he will be alone and lost without me. That he will suffer more. I have no long term plan. I want myself and my baby to be happy. When it’s just us, we are. 

I just wish he would pick me in all of this. He acts like I’m the enemy, and all I’ve done for a decade is be supportive. I can genuinely say that with complete honesty that I have been forgiving and accepting and compassionate and generous. I have loved well and all of them. It’s thankless. I don’t think it has a purpose anymore. 

Love is not enough. 

Family shit in my brain

My vacation with baby is here. 

I don’t know why I thought I’d get to enjoy this without introspection. I didn’t think I had anything to work on. I’m supposed to be able to clean and drink and play and not fucking obsess about anything. 

But I can’t. 

Because people suck. 

And the interactions with my mom and brother and aunt and grandmother and kids this week have all felt… bad. Negative. Sad. Everyone is so mentally ill. 

And all I can do is accept it. It’s easier with some than others. With my brother, I want to fix it for him. With my parents, I want them to be accountable and remorseful. With my grandmother and aunt, I want them to externally get help and see how their behavior has been problematic. With my kids, I want to adjust patterns I’m seeing and am powerless to stop. 

And none of those things are within my control. 

You can’t make someone see something. You can’t un-break something. You can talk, but it doesn’t mean someone will listen. 

Those are the 3 tenets I promote. It’s harder to live them. 

My kids are not mine enough to create the impact I would have hoped for in their lives. What I envisioned is not reality. I need to realize their lives have been chaotic, and I can’t change that with hoping and encouraging.  They are going to take their own path to work it all out. They are good to fail and get hurt and be distracted. They’re going to do some of the things I did and suffer from them just as I did. And there is no other way that process can go. 

I will be speaking my piece one more time in life, and then I have to stop. One more family meeting to address things I see that are problematic, and then I will be quiet. Available but quiet. I can only say so much  before I become the enemy instead of the ally.

My parents would rather cling to pride than try to make changes. The way they have gained a sense of self and ego was not done in a healthy way, and it’s so fragile they can’t let it shift. Honoring them means letting them say things and not responding. It means being kind when I am not given kindness. I have decided to leave a door open for communication and I will do that, but I have to stop fixating when it’s the same exact dynamic. Yes, it’s incredulous. But it should be expected at this point. I need to realize exactly how mentally ill my mother is. I need to recognize that each text is from a crazy woman that needs meds and therapy and help. My dad has more trauma than anyone realizes - he’s wounded, and he’s clung to the only thing in his life that ever made him feel an ounce of happiness, not realizing that it could be even better. 

My brother feels powerless and looks to others to create any movement. He can’t help it. He wants more from me than I can give. He’s disappointed, and I know that, but I can also see that what he is hoping for is not even healthy or good for his life. His energy and efforts are very misdirected. He does too much in the wrong direction. He would benefit more from building his own life instead of being a supporting character is other peoples’. 

My aunt and grandmother have no idea how to connect with other people. They are so blind to how their behavior is a problem. They can’t see that they created the situations they are in. 

It’s hard to stop being the victim in life because when you already feel powerless, it’s how you have built a sense of ego. 

There is more to work out here, but it’s fleeting in my mind. I’m going to let it marinade and return to it.