I have been having a very rough week... I have just felt badly for no major reason I can identify. And I’m annoyed that when I get emotional and I'm given an outlet I just can't shut up... it's actually something that I do that really bothers me in my day to day life, especially at work. I talk about myself too much in my opinion. The hubby and I spoke and he said I bring too much to him. He can’t handle it. I need therapy.
I literally didn't go to work this week. Which is a problem, but somehow it turned out ok in the end...? Monday was a holiday, and Tuesday I woke up and called out of work immediately.
I am literally not really sure what caused me to call out... and I have been borderline obsessing about it all week. I opened my eyes and literally could not get them open because I was so TIRED.
The previous two weeks, I honestly didn't get good sleep for the entirety of two weeks, because my husband injured his arm, which caused him not to sleep well and the toddler not to sleep well because HE had a terrible anxiety reaction to my husband suddenly not being able to lift him or attend to his needs, so the baby was thrilled I was home but confused and regressed with his sleep a lot for those two weeks. I was drained and tried to catch up over the long weekend but didn't get a real chance to.
So Tuesday I called my boss and told her I had a migraine (which was also true) and she canceled my day for me. The next day when I woke up, I felt so depressed and exhausted and still just had a headache - I called out again. I told her I was feeling ill and would set up a doctor appointment. The policy right now is if you have "symptoms" you have to be cleared by a doctor and if you get tested you have to wait for negative results to go back to work. I knew my second day call out was going to result in being out the rest of the week. I knew this when I called. I'm pretty sure I could have toughed it out both days if I had really wanted to, honestly. But I think in that moment I didn't care if I even got fired which is NOT an ok thought process given that I am the sole income for my family.
At this moment, I'm still not really sure if it was physical or mental... I called my doctor, and they sent me to get a COVID test because I was having fatigue and a terrible headache. It was negative, which doesn't mean I wasn't still physically sick, but I feel like this might be more related to being depressed and tired and feeling emotionally drained more than an actual physical illness... I have had issues in the past and will throw up if I'm nervous or get headaches due to stress, but this seemed extreme for that. So I'm really not sure what to think... even now.
The end result of the whole process is I spent $120 to get a COVID test and suddenly had a week off work. At my second job, I get to set my own hours, so I also didn't work that job last week the one day I was supposed to. I cost myself a lot of money by not working basically an entire week, and I do risk losing some of my second job work, because if we don't engage well, we miss out on jobs. But this is the first time I have ever canceled a shift and it didn't seem to be an major issue.
By Thursday I was having a huge mental breakdown about it (mostly the money aspect) and then my husband got his financial aid money for school, and it was more than we anticipated, so suddenly the money of the situation was fixed, and I still knew I had 3 days before I had to go back to work.
But I am currently feeling like I have just fucked up my main job. I have had a lot of things over the past 2 years that resulted in calling out. I have an occasional day where my depression is so bad I don't care what losses I will incur or potential consequences, I just can't DO anything. Like I know I can, but I feel SO incapable. I go on auto pilot. Nothing seems real. I'll text or call out before I even have a real thought about it - it will just be done already. And then I sit like a zombie. I don't shower if I can avoid it, eat crap, avoid everyone and everything and really only attend to the bare needs of my household. Usually it's just a day or two and I'm back to functioning ok. Usually I get caught back up really quickly. But not this week...
I literally could not stop feeling like garbage. Even when I got caught up on sleep finally, I just felt extremely depressed and extremely anxious, like daily panic attacks which hasn't happened in a while. I had to take benzos a few times, which I don't like to do, because I think at one point I was a little too dependent on them to manage my anxiety, and I also think they make me a little depressed when I use it too often, so my husband kind of like checks on me with them, and I feel the need to hide this for some reason from him, even though he has said he doesn't care if I need to use them... I just never tell him when I take one. I smoked all week A LOT this week (which if it ever came up that it was in my system, I would get fired, so I struggle with a lot of guilt about smoking. I used to use it to self-medicate for anxiety pretty effectively, but I don't have that balance anymore. I smoked this week to the point where it was becoming even a little of a finance concern, and I binged and purged many times in the beginning of the week, and then resorted to just binging for the second part.
I think sometimes I use the weed to shut up that voice telling me not to eat like this so that I can just enjoy a binge. It's fucking sick. I have been wanting alcohol SO badly this week. Honestly I'm a bit bitter that I haven't had a drinking option in like a year.
Sometimes I get resentful that I had to give that up to stay with him when I didn't have an issue honestly. So now I eat I guess. I even ordered groceries with food I normally wouldn't serve to my family stating it was because I needed easy meals while I was out sick, but a huge part of it was disordered, and I know that. It's not even a mild concern anymore, It's bad. And this annoys the SHIT out of me, because I have struggled with disordered eating literally all of my life, and it's like fucking whack-a-mole. I will get a part under control for a while and then something is back.
This most recent concern developed after I went back to work after my 2 year old was born. I didn't gain "baby weight" or even really a lot of weight on maternity leave. It was when I went back to work. I was stress eating a lot and struggling to keep any positive eating patterns going for any period of time. I am still in that boat. I need to lose weight badly. I am at the highest weight I have ever been at aside from pregnancy, and it seems like I will do well for a little while and then crash and burn as soon as my stress level increases. I had lost ten pounds leading into the week my husband got hurt, and then I know I have probably gained all that back the past 3 weeks.
I had a hard time with feeling like I don't get to see enough of the baby when I first went back to work, and I know that was a factor of stress eating. I still struggle with this thought on occasion , but I also WANT and need my career - there's not an ideal option, and I have picked my pain. Even this week it was like wonderful to be home with my baby for a week and enjoy him, and I wish I had more of that but I also know I need work. I don't think I stress eat about this specifically anymore. Now it just feels like all stress makes me want to binge. I have a high stress job that I love, but recently the agency itself absolutely sucks more and more. I feel like for the past 3 years, I will get into a good rhythm at work, and then something will change in the agency where I struggle to adapt to the change. Then I adjust and something else changes. Then COVID. And now the changes are bigger and more difficult, and I think there is just a huge disconnect between the population we serve and the people with any actual decision-making power. The manager that I have worked with the past 2 years is leaving, and I'm horrified. She was a saving grace there, and I worry what will replace her. I think she has also protected me in a lot of ways from consequences because she knows I AM a good employee when I am there. I just have issues being there to the level that is expected. We have a lot of performance measurements, and I always do really well on those, so I know that's one reason why I haven't been "looked at" to this point, but the other factor I know is that she has protected me to a degree. I also worked in restaurants for many years where behavior like mine is not considered even an issue 99% of the time and I think I have struggled to adjust to a "real" job the last 3 years.
I feel like I need to get my shit together and give them the 40 hours per week they pay me for but it's a hard job and my job will always be a second priority to my family so I struggle sometimes with any feeling of balance with this. One of the things that I struggled with this week especially is guilt about what my absence at work does. I have scheduled meetings with the families that we serve and those have to get rescheduled. My schedule is usually mapped out several weeks but we have been SO insanely short handed since COVID started that I have like every hour of my week scheduled out almost 6 weeks in advance right now. So everyone I missed this week has to wait longer to start the process, and my coworkers have to pick up slack with executive responsibilities that day, and my boss has to handle disgruntled people who already waited for their appointment just to have it rescheduled. I'm dreading tomorrow and all the emails/voicemails I will have to address and return. It creates work even when I'm not there...
I just want to function better. Healthier. I want to lose weight in a healthy way, and I'm not sure I know how to. I don't want to be depressed like this anymore and I want to be reliable at work AND for my family.
