5 days of sticking to calories and no issues. Until tonight...
Tonight I'm allowing myself a purge. I didn't do what I consider a big binge, but it was still too much. I need to purge. Timer is running on it.
Work has been tough lately. I feel tired. I feel emotional. I fight back tears a lot and don't make effort where and when I know I should sometimes. It feels like the hours drag by slowly, and I feel guilty for wanting to escape. I guess no matter what kind of work you do or how much you love your job, work is still work.
I've been having a lot of financial issues lately also. I struggle to know what is ok and not ok to spend on. I want to shop my issues away. I want to smoke them away.
I want to smoke every moment, but I can't afford it, I know it makes me eat and depressed in large amounts, and I know I should have clean pee for work. But some days I just want to say FUCK that.
Purge complete. Throat is sore. But it was effortless for the most part. It feels like success.
E is coming to visit soon. I'm thrilled. My best friend is coming to visit. I wish we could drink together. I miss drinking. I wish I had a day alone to drink. I wish I had a day alone for anything. I have not had a quiet day alone in a million years. I would do anything for just a little freedom. I wanted the husband around more, but this shit lately is ridiculous.
Friday, May 22, 2020
Wednesday, May 20, 2020
Better me
SSRI withdrawals are basically over. Finally. I'm still having moments where I get dizzy or brain zaps, but it's only a couple times a day instead of a couple hundred. I'm at two weeks of side-effects... I don't ever want to go through this again, tbh. It makes me question SSRI use in the future... I didn't have issues with Prozac and would probably take that postpartum if needed, but this shit was a nightmare. I came off all my meds at once this time - SSRI and benzos for anxiety. I also stopped smoking weed like 2-3 days ago, and that was rough... I think it was helping me not to fucking lose in the last two weeks, but I can't risk my career/life over pot... I need to keep my pee clean, and right now I'm not in that category.
I have begun a new weight loss regimen. I was able to go a couple weeks with minimal binging, had a day I basically didn't eat due to stomach concerns (probably also from SSRI withdrawal), and then decided I needed to really hone down on my weight loss.
I have developed the following efforts:
Lately it's been an apple and green tea for breakfast, veg and lean meat for lunch, veg and lean meat for dinner, and snacks of fruit, high fiber or protein stuff. I only eat like one carb per day and like no sugar.
I'm hungry as I type this... I drank some water.
I COULD allow myself another 100 cals right now, but I get scared at night to allow myself to eat. I un-do myself at night the most often. That's when the binge monster comes out... I have kept the binge foods out of the house right now aside from a box of honey buns. Those I placed in the pantry so high up I would need a step ladder to get them so that if I have the urge, I have to put in effort that allows me to think about how fat of a cow I am that I would pull it out to climb up and get them. I have zero ability to resist them. I could literally fantasize about them, and I wish I had not bought them, but my kids love them... I think also it's a bit of a test for me to see if I can handle it. I should not be testing myself, but I also kind of want to.
The only thing I have been less successful with is exercise right now... I'm finding it hard to get up in the morning and accomplish that or really push myself to do it. I think I have been a little sick, but I know it's something I need to get in there sooner rather than later.
I don't want to look like Gin. She is doing Keto and looks strangely deflated because of her weightloss being just from food and not working out. I think it's a terrible look, and I don't want to follow suit. A lot of people I know who are doing Keto look deflated.
I decided that after I lose 10lbs I am going to allow myself a cheat meal on a Monday evening. Then I at least can put that thought in my head when I feel like I REALLY want to eat a meal. Eating only about 200-300 calories in a sitting does not feel satisfying, but feeling unsatisfied is going to happen regardless - either physically or emotionally, and I prefer the physical at this time. I'm so TIRED of being fat I could kill myself.
I had a moment this weekend where I realized I don't want to be that girl that when people see old photos can't believe how good she looked and get a wave of pity that washes over them for her. I want to STAY hot, not just have been that way in the past. Like my mom. She was one of those hot women who let having kids ruin her beauty. Then the outer beauty fading became the inner beauty fading, and I don't think she ever got it back. She hates her life and body and is miserable, and I do not want to feel that way. I've felt that way for like 2 years now, but I am not going to stay like this.
I feel like I'm adjusting to work recently. It's been hard, and there have been a lot of adjustments. I have called out a lot, and I KNOW the only reason it's ok is because my boss protects me. She and I have a strange friendship where I feel like she kind of idolizes me... It feels like high school. And I have used it to my advantage and do not intend to let it slip away. But I need a stretch of not calling out for a few months before someone else notices who outranks her and I get fired.
I need my mental and physical health to improve and to stop fucking whining about it in the interim.
I have begun a new weight loss regimen. I was able to go a couple weeks with minimal binging, had a day I basically didn't eat due to stomach concerns (probably also from SSRI withdrawal), and then decided I needed to really hone down on my weight loss.
I have developed the following efforts:
- Stop binging.
- Only weigh in weekly on Mondays.
- Track calories.
- Keep calories under 1,000 per day (I've been averaging 850 daily).
- Eat a minimum of 4x per day timed out 3 hours apart.
Lately it's been an apple and green tea for breakfast, veg and lean meat for lunch, veg and lean meat for dinner, and snacks of fruit, high fiber or protein stuff. I only eat like one carb per day and like no sugar.
I'm hungry as I type this... I drank some water.
I COULD allow myself another 100 cals right now, but I get scared at night to allow myself to eat. I un-do myself at night the most often. That's when the binge monster comes out... I have kept the binge foods out of the house right now aside from a box of honey buns. Those I placed in the pantry so high up I would need a step ladder to get them so that if I have the urge, I have to put in effort that allows me to think about how fat of a cow I am that I would pull it out to climb up and get them. I have zero ability to resist them. I could literally fantasize about them, and I wish I had not bought them, but my kids love them... I think also it's a bit of a test for me to see if I can handle it. I should not be testing myself, but I also kind of want to.
The only thing I have been less successful with is exercise right now... I'm finding it hard to get up in the morning and accomplish that or really push myself to do it. I think I have been a little sick, but I know it's something I need to get in there sooner rather than later.
I don't want to look like Gin. She is doing Keto and looks strangely deflated because of her weightloss being just from food and not working out. I think it's a terrible look, and I don't want to follow suit. A lot of people I know who are doing Keto look deflated.
I decided that after I lose 10lbs I am going to allow myself a cheat meal on a Monday evening. Then I at least can put that thought in my head when I feel like I REALLY want to eat a meal. Eating only about 200-300 calories in a sitting does not feel satisfying, but feeling unsatisfied is going to happen regardless - either physically or emotionally, and I prefer the physical at this time. I'm so TIRED of being fat I could kill myself.
I had a moment this weekend where I realized I don't want to be that girl that when people see old photos can't believe how good she looked and get a wave of pity that washes over them for her. I want to STAY hot, not just have been that way in the past. Like my mom. She was one of those hot women who let having kids ruin her beauty. Then the outer beauty fading became the inner beauty fading, and I don't think she ever got it back. She hates her life and body and is miserable, and I do not want to feel that way. I've felt that way for like 2 years now, but I am not going to stay like this.
I feel like I'm adjusting to work recently. It's been hard, and there have been a lot of adjustments. I have called out a lot, and I KNOW the only reason it's ok is because my boss protects me. She and I have a strange friendship where I feel like she kind of idolizes me... It feels like high school. And I have used it to my advantage and do not intend to let it slip away. But I need a stretch of not calling out for a few months before someone else notices who outranks her and I get fired.
I need my mental and physical health to improve and to stop fucking whining about it in the interim.
Tuesday, May 12, 2020
I got a laptop to journal
I feel inadequate. I feel like I'm failing. I feel like there is an insane amount of pressure on me to be ok right now, but I'm not ok. Not even a little. Not at all. I'm all over the place. I'm not adjusting to the new world that I live in quickly enough. I talk about myself too much. I do too much and in the wrong direction.
I've said those word before here.
I want to function better, and I of all people should know how to achieve that.
I stopped my meds. The Vybriid was not helping and it was making me fat. Legit fat. I felt hungry every second of the day and gained about ten pounds in a month. I tapered for a week and stopped, and now I feel like garbage. I've been having SSRI withdrawals like a motherfucker for like 5 days now. I can feel improvement with it, but holy shit it was bad a couple days ago.
I haven't binged in about a week, and that is insanely good progress for me at this point. I have been trying just to accomplish that and nothing more. Just don't binge. It is easy at this moment, and I hope it will stay that way.
I felt like shit today. I ate breakfast, but then not lunch and threw up dinner. Partly because I felt ill and partly just because I had a rough day and let myself. I have been good with not purging lately, but I gave myself permission today. I wonder when in my life I'll stop throwing up my food when I'm stressed out.
Will I ever?
I remember being a kid and watching a made for TV movie about a bulimic rich housewife. I vividly recall a scene where she gets a blueberry pie out of her fridge and there, with the fridge door open, binges on the pie. She makes her hand into a scoop and proceeds to shove it in as fast as she can. That was one of the first moments in my life that I had awareness of what bulimia was. I don't recall my emotional reaction to it, but I remember thinking it was sad that someone that age would not have a better way to manage. To still be going back to Mia for comfort as a grown-ass woman and not a 20-something or teen seems desperate. It seems lame and sad and pathetic.
I feel like I am on the cusp of being here in life. I can relate. I know the appeal of eating in front of the fridge hidden from others and then purging it all up in secrecy too. It's a completely isolated moment in a world that feels like everyone is looking at you or to your for something. It's like being on your own planet. It's not meant to be shared or understood.
The dysfunctional way to manage feelings of desperation are to give in to them. Mia feeds desperation with the regurgitate food of her victims.
I like being alone. I long for it sometimes. But the moments I have where I am are so few these days. The whole world is isolated from one another right now, but my world has become more populated. And everyone is acting badly. I had a moment where I longed so deeply for a day to myself. A day where I didn't have to talk to a single person. Just one day is all I really want, but I would be completely happy if it were more than that. But my world stops working if I don't talk.
I always have to talk. And often I do it too much. I fill empty silences. I ramble. I catch myself talking about myself too much, but I can't stop doing it. I am not even discussing a real thing sometimes but I can't seem to shut my goddamn mouth in those moments. I hate it.
I hate myself. Always historically. but it's especially true right now.
I need to do better.
I've said those word before here.
I want to function better, and I of all people should know how to achieve that.
I stopped my meds. The Vybriid was not helping and it was making me fat. Legit fat. I felt hungry every second of the day and gained about ten pounds in a month. I tapered for a week and stopped, and now I feel like garbage. I've been having SSRI withdrawals like a motherfucker for like 5 days now. I can feel improvement with it, but holy shit it was bad a couple days ago.
I haven't binged in about a week, and that is insanely good progress for me at this point. I have been trying just to accomplish that and nothing more. Just don't binge. It is easy at this moment, and I hope it will stay that way.
I felt like shit today. I ate breakfast, but then not lunch and threw up dinner. Partly because I felt ill and partly just because I had a rough day and let myself. I have been good with not purging lately, but I gave myself permission today. I wonder when in my life I'll stop throwing up my food when I'm stressed out.
Will I ever?
I remember being a kid and watching a made for TV movie about a bulimic rich housewife. I vividly recall a scene where she gets a blueberry pie out of her fridge and there, with the fridge door open, binges on the pie. She makes her hand into a scoop and proceeds to shove it in as fast as she can. That was one of the first moments in my life that I had awareness of what bulimia was. I don't recall my emotional reaction to it, but I remember thinking it was sad that someone that age would not have a better way to manage. To still be going back to Mia for comfort as a grown-ass woman and not a 20-something or teen seems desperate. It seems lame and sad and pathetic.
I feel like I am on the cusp of being here in life. I can relate. I know the appeal of eating in front of the fridge hidden from others and then purging it all up in secrecy too. It's a completely isolated moment in a world that feels like everyone is looking at you or to your for something. It's like being on your own planet. It's not meant to be shared or understood.
The dysfunctional way to manage feelings of desperation are to give in to them. Mia feeds desperation with the regurgitate food of her victims.
I like being alone. I long for it sometimes. But the moments I have where I am are so few these days. The whole world is isolated from one another right now, but my world has become more populated. And everyone is acting badly. I had a moment where I longed so deeply for a day to myself. A day where I didn't have to talk to a single person. Just one day is all I really want, but I would be completely happy if it were more than that. But my world stops working if I don't talk.
I always have to talk. And often I do it too much. I fill empty silences. I ramble. I catch myself talking about myself too much, but I can't stop doing it. I am not even discussing a real thing sometimes but I can't seem to shut my goddamn mouth in those moments. I hate it.
I hate myself. Always historically. but it's especially true right now.
I need to do better.
Monday, February 10, 2020
I’m crazy
I have been a fucking mess lately. Certifiable.
I binged and purged 3 times in two days a couple days ago. And they were purges where I felt high afterward. I can’t even explain the feeling; it’s just amazing, as terrible as that sounds. You feel powerful and clean and euphoric. But, I know I can’t keep going and that I’m lucky that they were nice ones. Because purging is either glorious or terrible, and I know it’s only a matter of time before I hit a really bad one, and I’d like to avoid that. I have chewed off all my nails. I have cleaned everything and been neurotic and overly organized at work.
And then I crashed today. I didn’t even feel this one coming.
I called out of work this morning. I can’t do it. I don’t even feel badly about it. I woke up from a dream that I was skipping class in grad school and trying to determine what my grade for the course would be and decided I could take the hit. Then I called out. Normally I would feel guilty about everyone who relies on me and worried about losing my job. But I legit don’t care.
After calling, I proceeded to try to enjoy myself. Sometimes when I call out, I mope around all day and find reasons to be down so that I can justify not going. Today I’m not doing that. I’m just letting myself exist in whatever state I’m in. I don’t need to find reasons to be more of a mess than I am.
I don’t know why I’m so apathetic today, and just kind of don’t give a fuck, but that’s where I am. Maybe I have just been so tense and stressed for so long lately that my brain finally switched off.
I don’t know why I feel like this lately I have a psych appointment scheduled, and I hope I can find something that helps. I can’t go on like this. I don’t even have a reason to be upset with life except that I wish I had more family and adult time, but I’ve been doing better with those things lately, honestly.
I don’t know why I feel like this. Normally I can identify why I’m a fucking train wreck, but the only thing lately that is bothering me is my weight.
I’m fucking fat lately. Like so fat that I keep outgrowing my clothes. I developed a 1,000 cal a day diet to stick to for a few months, and I’m going to just allow whatever ED stuff that happens to happen. I can’t fight it anymore lately. If I’m not being restrictive or purging, then I’m just binging and getting fat. I feel like I’ll never overcome this.
I feel like my ED will be around my entire fucking life. Like I’ll always be underlying depressed and anxious. Like I’ll never be fixed, and my mental health will always struggle. I had a thought the other day that my panic attacks have been almost nonexistent lately, but then behaviorally I am doing shitty.
And the annoying part is that I am legit happy with my life right now. There are some areas I would like some improvement, of course, but I feel like I’m managing well. I have friends and good family relationships and my bills are paid and I love my husband and kids and my job is great. I have had a few small stressors, but nothing that should even be making me feel so crazy.
And yet I feel like a fucking crazy person the past couple weeks.
So if I’m going to be crazy, I may as well put it to good use and get thinner.
I binged and purged 3 times in two days a couple days ago. And they were purges where I felt high afterward. I can’t even explain the feeling; it’s just amazing, as terrible as that sounds. You feel powerful and clean and euphoric. But, I know I can’t keep going and that I’m lucky that they were nice ones. Because purging is either glorious or terrible, and I know it’s only a matter of time before I hit a really bad one, and I’d like to avoid that. I have chewed off all my nails. I have cleaned everything and been neurotic and overly organized at work.
And then I crashed today. I didn’t even feel this one coming.
I called out of work this morning. I can’t do it. I don’t even feel badly about it. I woke up from a dream that I was skipping class in grad school and trying to determine what my grade for the course would be and decided I could take the hit. Then I called out. Normally I would feel guilty about everyone who relies on me and worried about losing my job. But I legit don’t care.
After calling, I proceeded to try to enjoy myself. Sometimes when I call out, I mope around all day and find reasons to be down so that I can justify not going. Today I’m not doing that. I’m just letting myself exist in whatever state I’m in. I don’t need to find reasons to be more of a mess than I am.
I don’t know why I’m so apathetic today, and just kind of don’t give a fuck, but that’s where I am. Maybe I have just been so tense and stressed for so long lately that my brain finally switched off.
I don’t know why I feel like this lately I have a psych appointment scheduled, and I hope I can find something that helps. I can’t go on like this. I don’t even have a reason to be upset with life except that I wish I had more family and adult time, but I’ve been doing better with those things lately, honestly.
I don’t know why I feel like this. Normally I can identify why I’m a fucking train wreck, but the only thing lately that is bothering me is my weight.
I’m fucking fat lately. Like so fat that I keep outgrowing my clothes. I developed a 1,000 cal a day diet to stick to for a few months, and I’m going to just allow whatever ED stuff that happens to happen. I can’t fight it anymore lately. If I’m not being restrictive or purging, then I’m just binging and getting fat. I feel like I’ll never overcome this.
I feel like my ED will be around my entire fucking life. Like I’ll always be underlying depressed and anxious. Like I’ll never be fixed, and my mental health will always struggle. I had a thought the other day that my panic attacks have been almost nonexistent lately, but then behaviorally I am doing shitty.
And the annoying part is that I am legit happy with my life right now. There are some areas I would like some improvement, of course, but I feel like I’m managing well. I have friends and good family relationships and my bills are paid and I love my husband and kids and my job is great. I have had a few small stressors, but nothing that should even be making me feel so crazy.
And yet I feel like a fucking crazy person the past couple weeks.
So if I’m going to be crazy, I may as well put it to good use and get thinner.
Thursday, January 2, 2020
Lately feels
I feel like a different person lately. And I'm not sure if it's good or bad. The prozac has been amazing aside from one single side-effect... I am having more difficulty orgasming. I've even faked it twice this week, which I think I've only done with the hubby like twice overall in the past. It just wasn't going to happen, and I know if he knows I'm struggling in that department, he will tell me to stop taking it.
Which I'm not about to do. It makes me feel amazing.
The doc said if I keep having issues, we can try Wellbutrin in a couple months. She upped my dose, but I'm not sure I want that. I have to find balance between the benefits and side-effects. Not easy.
Plus, part of me thinks in the back of my mind that we're going to start trying to have a baby after not too much longer, and I don't want to be on any meds for that. So, I need to determine what I want to do.
Right now, I want to take it. Low dose. And I want to get off the benzos. And I want to stop taking the Prozac once we are a few months away from baby.
The benzos is hard. I have woken up like 2am every night I haven't taken them. I think the Prozac is making me a little "up" and then I am struggling to get back down at the end of the day. It's like I run a marathon all day. I don't know if the energy is excessive or just what I should have when I'm not so fucking depressed. I don't know what normal is, but I feel good lately.
Even my sex drive is up, but I can't get off once we get going. Well, I can, but it takes SO MUCH EFFORT. I've always been a difficult one in that category to begin with, but lately it's like wtf no.
Anyway...
Weight is still dropping. I gained a little on vacation from sitting in the car for 4 days and eating crap, but now that I'm home, I think that's gone also. I am going to weigh in tomorrow morning. I want to lose weight before we start getting baby-ready. I need to start exercising again, which I feel like I could actually do lately...
IDK, it's nice to feel good. I haven't felt good in so long.
The only thing that kind of sucks still is my lack of a social life.
And I legit miss drinking, dude. Like a lot. I went to bed early on New Year's because I was so tired from our vacation. I was awakened at 12:04pm by my neighbors having a party and shooting off fireworks. The baby and hubby slept straight through them. I laid there listening to people being young and wild and free and drunk. And I was insanely jealous.
I miss parties. I miss drinking. I miss rambling and laughing and flirting and feeling pretty and young. I miss my youth. I guess all people do at some point. But I think I gave up a lot of it when I chose to be with my husband. There was only one option for how our lifestyle had to look, and it made me grow up instantly. Then we threw a baby in the mix. I feel old. I feel bored a lot.
I recognize there is merit and value to our lifestyle. And I don't miss all the parts of how we used to live. But some nights, I wish I could be someone else just for an evening.
Which I'm not about to do. It makes me feel amazing.
The doc said if I keep having issues, we can try Wellbutrin in a couple months. She upped my dose, but I'm not sure I want that. I have to find balance between the benefits and side-effects. Not easy.
Plus, part of me thinks in the back of my mind that we're going to start trying to have a baby after not too much longer, and I don't want to be on any meds for that. So, I need to determine what I want to do.
Right now, I want to take it. Low dose. And I want to get off the benzos. And I want to stop taking the Prozac once we are a few months away from baby.
The benzos is hard. I have woken up like 2am every night I haven't taken them. I think the Prozac is making me a little "up" and then I am struggling to get back down at the end of the day. It's like I run a marathon all day. I don't know if the energy is excessive or just what I should have when I'm not so fucking depressed. I don't know what normal is, but I feel good lately.
Even my sex drive is up, but I can't get off once we get going. Well, I can, but it takes SO MUCH EFFORT. I've always been a difficult one in that category to begin with, but lately it's like wtf no.
Anyway...
Weight is still dropping. I gained a little on vacation from sitting in the car for 4 days and eating crap, but now that I'm home, I think that's gone also. I am going to weigh in tomorrow morning. I want to lose weight before we start getting baby-ready. I need to start exercising again, which I feel like I could actually do lately...
IDK, it's nice to feel good. I haven't felt good in so long.
The only thing that kind of sucks still is my lack of a social life.
And I legit miss drinking, dude. Like a lot. I went to bed early on New Year's because I was so tired from our vacation. I was awakened at 12:04pm by my neighbors having a party and shooting off fireworks. The baby and hubby slept straight through them. I laid there listening to people being young and wild and free and drunk. And I was insanely jealous.
I miss parties. I miss drinking. I miss rambling and laughing and flirting and feeling pretty and young. I miss my youth. I guess all people do at some point. But I think I gave up a lot of it when I chose to be with my husband. There was only one option for how our lifestyle had to look, and it made me grow up instantly. Then we threw a baby in the mix. I feel old. I feel bored a lot.
I recognize there is merit and value to our lifestyle. And I don't miss all the parts of how we used to live. But some nights, I wish I could be someone else just for an evening.
Saturday, December 14, 2019
Prozac
I started Prozac, and I can genuinely say that it has helped so far. Not far enough into it to know for sure how it will be right now, but I’m hopeful.
My focus is improved, I don't want to die every moment, and it's helped with my ED a lot.
My binging was getting out of control. My weight now is steadily dropping. Not drastically - just reasonably. I don’t feel like food has so much control over me. It’s strange and delightful and I hope the feeling lasts.
My focus is improved, I don't want to die every moment, and it's helped with my ED a lot.
My binging was getting out of control. My weight now is steadily dropping. Not drastically - just reasonably. I don’t feel like food has so much control over me. It’s strange and delightful and I hope the feeling lasts.
Wednesday, November 13, 2019
Idiot
I've been a mess.
I have an appointment the first week of December with a psychiatrist. The number of days that I think, "I want to die" are steadily increasing with no end in sight. I think I need to try some meds.
My eating has been all over the place. I started really restricting again, and it's hit or miss. I stopped weighing myself, and I find that it's actually easier to restrict when I don't weigh in... When I weigh in and it's not enough or fast enough, I tend to get the eff-its like, "I'm not losing, so why bother?" OR I weigh myself and I'm doing well, and I will have a thought that I can afford a meal or two when the reality is, I can't. One leads to a binge and then God knows how far It goes...
I need to determine how often I can weigh in and get a better schedule with it... I weighed in over the weekend and was mildly satisfied and kept restricting pretty well all week, but then when I weighed in again yesterday with no change (because of how and when I did it, though...) I got super triggered.
Today at work, there was a baking contest. The hallways reeked of powdered sugar all day. I resisted. I ate my protein bar and hid in my office with my essential oil diffuser going. I had plans to eat something specific when I got home, but when I arrived, the husband had eaten it. I faltered. I just kept picking at things until I had to go throw up.
I didn't initially intend to purge, but the urge was overwhelming. One little passing thought is all it takes and I'm running to the toilet. I purged last night at well, but I honestly don't know why. My intake was pretty low overall, but purging that meal meant almost no food digested.
I'm annoyed I ate and purged... Purging felt good, but the fact that I ate so much when I still have so far to go makes me mad at myself. I had such a good day yesterday, and I should have kept it going rather than attempting to let myself eat. It's like once I start, I can't stop. I need to be more strategic and structured. I need to be stricter.
My daily routine of coffee, protein bar, and apple and/or celery has been going well throughout the day. And honestly, food lately has felt a little blah. Nothing really tastes good when I do eat, so I don't know why I did tonight... I think I'm just overwhelmed with my fucking life and lonely.
But food cannot be my friend. Mia can't either; not really. Ana needs to be my friend. Her and only her.
I spent time tonight looking into the past of my blog...
I used to have boys... So many boys. I had boys for months and years and didn't know what to do with them EVER. Every year a different one. I had Jay, Bogart, Adam, Bird, Gerard, Chevy... I had relationships and flings and things without titles that went on far too long... I had messes.
Why?? What was I getting out of it?
It was exciting, yes, but made my self-esteem so fragile. It was drama, and I don't think drama looks good on me. Drama makes me needy and clingy.
Sometimes I miss it though. Sometimes I think of what my life would be like if I had stayed with a fuck-boy... Would any of it have ever worked? Or what if there was some other person who actually was balanced. Does that exist? Sometimes I want to call them all. I want to check in. I fantasize about bumping into them and how it would go. I wonder if we would reconnect like old times, or if that flame would be extinguished. I can honestly say that I loved all of them in their own ways... I miss them all individually. I want them all to be happy.
And it's so strange, but when I think of the ex husband, I don't feel the same. I feel nothing. No longing, no missing, no regret... I don't think I ever loved him, which scares me a little. I spent 4 years with a person that I didn't love, and I never think back to that time with longing, but the others I had shorter periods with and genuinely miss...
I feel like I ended up with the right man in life. I love my husband. I love the life we are building I don't regret being with him and making things work and adjusting my life to keep him, but I wish I could have some of the old parts back...
I miss drinking. I miss using drugs every once in a while. For the past 2.5 years my life has been so completely different. No significant drinking, no blow, nothing exciting... It's all just bills and babies and work. Being a wife and a mom. And not even a fabulous thin one...
I need to find balance. I need excitement. My husband is working hard in school and in life, and I am so proud. Our relationship is genuinely good, but I'm SO BORED. He's never home. And when he is, we have baby... I am too young to feel this old.
What can I do with myself?? How do I stay old Jay and new Jay at the same time? How do I stay healthier (ish?) and still have fun? I'm crying over this.
I'm unhappy with my life. I don't want to keep going on like this, but I can't go back to the old ways. I don't even want to.
Except for Ana. I want to reconnect with her. I want to rekindle that passion for her.
I always have an easier time restricting in cold months. I don't know why... I think it could be because I was at my lowest weight and most restrictive when I lived up north. It's just easy. Lately it has felt easier, but still not exciting. Nothing is exciting...
I have rules and budgets and no time and too much responsibility... I need to just survive my husband going to school and stick to my routine and learn how to occupy my free time.
And I need to get thin.
I used to think being on maternity leave made me fat, but I think it's honestly due to feeling lonely. I feel extremely lonely these days, and there's nothing I can do about it. My husband is there for me all he can be, I have to be careful at work with my coworkers and in everything I do, and I don't have a lot of friends. And no fuck-boys.
Maybe I'll seek online friends... I need something, and I can't leave my house.
I have an appointment the first week of December with a psychiatrist. The number of days that I think, "I want to die" are steadily increasing with no end in sight. I think I need to try some meds.
My eating has been all over the place. I started really restricting again, and it's hit or miss. I stopped weighing myself, and I find that it's actually easier to restrict when I don't weigh in... When I weigh in and it's not enough or fast enough, I tend to get the eff-its like, "I'm not losing, so why bother?" OR I weigh myself and I'm doing well, and I will have a thought that I can afford a meal or two when the reality is, I can't. One leads to a binge and then God knows how far It goes...
I need to determine how often I can weigh in and get a better schedule with it... I weighed in over the weekend and was mildly satisfied and kept restricting pretty well all week, but then when I weighed in again yesterday with no change (because of how and when I did it, though...) I got super triggered.
Today at work, there was a baking contest. The hallways reeked of powdered sugar all day. I resisted. I ate my protein bar and hid in my office with my essential oil diffuser going. I had plans to eat something specific when I got home, but when I arrived, the husband had eaten it. I faltered. I just kept picking at things until I had to go throw up.
I didn't initially intend to purge, but the urge was overwhelming. One little passing thought is all it takes and I'm running to the toilet. I purged last night at well, but I honestly don't know why. My intake was pretty low overall, but purging that meal meant almost no food digested.
I'm annoyed I ate and purged... Purging felt good, but the fact that I ate so much when I still have so far to go makes me mad at myself. I had such a good day yesterday, and I should have kept it going rather than attempting to let myself eat. It's like once I start, I can't stop. I need to be more strategic and structured. I need to be stricter.
My daily routine of coffee, protein bar, and apple and/or celery has been going well throughout the day. And honestly, food lately has felt a little blah. Nothing really tastes good when I do eat, so I don't know why I did tonight... I think I'm just overwhelmed with my fucking life and lonely.
But food cannot be my friend. Mia can't either; not really. Ana needs to be my friend. Her and only her.
I spent time tonight looking into the past of my blog...
I used to have boys... So many boys. I had boys for months and years and didn't know what to do with them EVER. Every year a different one. I had Jay, Bogart, Adam, Bird, Gerard, Chevy... I had relationships and flings and things without titles that went on far too long... I had messes.
Why?? What was I getting out of it?
It was exciting, yes, but made my self-esteem so fragile. It was drama, and I don't think drama looks good on me. Drama makes me needy and clingy.
Sometimes I miss it though. Sometimes I think of what my life would be like if I had stayed with a fuck-boy... Would any of it have ever worked? Or what if there was some other person who actually was balanced. Does that exist? Sometimes I want to call them all. I want to check in. I fantasize about bumping into them and how it would go. I wonder if we would reconnect like old times, or if that flame would be extinguished. I can honestly say that I loved all of them in their own ways... I miss them all individually. I want them all to be happy.
And it's so strange, but when I think of the ex husband, I don't feel the same. I feel nothing. No longing, no missing, no regret... I don't think I ever loved him, which scares me a little. I spent 4 years with a person that I didn't love, and I never think back to that time with longing, but the others I had shorter periods with and genuinely miss...
I feel like I ended up with the right man in life. I love my husband. I love the life we are building I don't regret being with him and making things work and adjusting my life to keep him, but I wish I could have some of the old parts back...
I miss drinking. I miss using drugs every once in a while. For the past 2.5 years my life has been so completely different. No significant drinking, no blow, nothing exciting... It's all just bills and babies and work. Being a wife and a mom. And not even a fabulous thin one...
I need to find balance. I need excitement. My husband is working hard in school and in life, and I am so proud. Our relationship is genuinely good, but I'm SO BORED. He's never home. And when he is, we have baby... I am too young to feel this old.
What can I do with myself?? How do I stay old Jay and new Jay at the same time? How do I stay healthier (ish?) and still have fun? I'm crying over this.
I'm unhappy with my life. I don't want to keep going on like this, but I can't go back to the old ways. I don't even want to.
Except for Ana. I want to reconnect with her. I want to rekindle that passion for her.
I always have an easier time restricting in cold months. I don't know why... I think it could be because I was at my lowest weight and most restrictive when I lived up north. It's just easy. Lately it has felt easier, but still not exciting. Nothing is exciting...
I have rules and budgets and no time and too much responsibility... I need to just survive my husband going to school and stick to my routine and learn how to occupy my free time.
And I need to get thin.
I used to think being on maternity leave made me fat, but I think it's honestly due to feeling lonely. I feel extremely lonely these days, and there's nothing I can do about it. My husband is there for me all he can be, I have to be careful at work with my coworkers and in everything I do, and I don't have a lot of friends. And no fuck-boys.
Maybe I'll seek online friends... I need something, and I can't leave my house.
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