And basically all day today was one of those moments.
Last night, I was up with Baby, trying to handle the bulk of the night, because Husband acts like being awake in the middle of the night is the worst thing he could be experiencing... Like, bitch… you used to elect to do this shit on the regular, but now that it involves our kid, you can’t?
He took over the overnight shift as his responsibility recently, and Baby has had a good run where he’s been sleeping better, but that’s not the norm, and this man got clearly pretty fucking disillusioned pretty quickly…
So I’ve been doing the initial check in, giving Baby things he wants, changing his diaper, whatever, and then I straight up tell Baby, “it’s the middle of the night, so mommy is going back to sleep, and you should too.” He doesn’t cry anymore in the middle of the night like when he was an actual baby - he understands now. But sometimes he stays up for hours, and sometimes he doesn’t go back to sleep at all, and sometimes he’s loud. So I put in headphones. The older ones sleep through it. If he actually cries, I do wake up - I make sure my headphone volume isn’t nuts, and I set a timer on my white noise for like two hours to go back and check on him. I’ve got a whole fucking system, because I’ve been doing this shit for 6 years. And then recently, husband wants the gig. I make all the money and pay bills; he’s a stay at home parent. Sure.
Only issue is, he’s a fucking little bitch who can’t handle literally anything. So he just has bitch-ass meltdowns. And last night, he was acting like a belligerent piece of shit, so I barely got to sleep, not even because Baby, but because this man woke me up literally 6 times in 3 hours acting like complete trash.
This morning I didn’t let it go. I laid there at 6am with like 3 hours of sleep plotting to ignore him all day to make myself feel better. Because at this point, it legit does…
He acts ashamed, and comes at me with, “We need a better system.” I said, “YOU need a system, and you refuse to create a consistent one, because you think he’s going to magically start sleeping through the night, and you’re disillusioned, because he slept better for a while. This is YOUR role.” Later, he said we “need to put the monitor on [his] side,” and I snapped back with, “doesn’t matter where it’s at if you’re downstairs on the fucking couch.” I continued with, “This is the fucking reason I did it for so long, because when you’re the one, we’re divorcing and you’re gonna kill yourself, and I get even less fucking sleep and get treated like shit by you in the middle of the night. So my quality of life is better if I just handle shit myself. Because you argue with me about the process like I haven’t done it for 6 fucking years.”
Like I literally let nothing go, and said all the things directly and without hesitation. Then I checked out. All day this cycle - he comes at me with sometime weak af; I slam him and leave and ignore with basically no emotion in my response.
Because I have none left.
As evidenced by when he comes at me later, attacking me and Baby, because Baby is stimming… And I went OFF. Like really carelessly yelled at him over and over to shut the fuck up and go away. Not even angry, just like I didn’t give a fuuuuck. He was running his mouth, and I couldn’t even hear it, I swear… I just kept telling him to yes, please, go ahead and run away from home.
I swear I’m so on the fence about him in life at any given moment. I would literally never try to stop him. I love him, but I really don’t fucking like him very frequently.
It’s probably largely because I think that all men are fucking scum, honestly. And I just don’t care anymore. He acts like he’s some amazing parent, when he’s not.
When I went to give Baby nighttime meds, I saw he hadn’t given him his afternoon ones. And he’s blaming me for Baby’s behavior - that I’m not a good mom or attentive enough, when he literally said I could go lay down (since he fucking kept me up all night), I had already bathed and groomed Baby, and I was still interacting with him in my bed. And it’s literally because he was not being a good dad and didn’t give him his medication.
And wtf is even so wrong with his stimming? He fires at me, “You just ignore him so hard you can’t even hear it.” I replied, “No bitch, I hear it. It’s just that I love him so much it doesn’t fucking bother me that he’s autistic like it does your ass.” Honesty to god, the noises don’t bother me, and I’m sick of him acting like I’m supposed to try to get Baby to stop every time. He’s fucking in a good mood when he’s doing it; fuck off and die, plz. Get used to it - it’s been fucking YEARS.
Then I got 3 weak ass texts with apologies and excuses and trying to bait me to respond and a couple cameo appearances in our room. And I ignored all of it.
I honestly have zeroooo fucks to give about it at this moment in life. I have bigger concerns and bigger efforts to make, and me and my kid are fine. And if I want to watch YouTube shorts for two hours after working 8 to pay every bill we have when you haven’t even worked 5 days all month, then I’m going to.
And guess where the bitch is sleeping rn… on the couch. He had the foresight to get his food pillow out the bed. But the monitor is supposed to go where now?? Right.
Like, please dump me. I can’t do it anymore - I’m out of fucks to give about how you feel.
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