Christmas sucks

I’m so depressed I slept until 4pm today. This morning, husband saw I wasn’t doing well. I explained that I’m having a bad fibromyalgia flareup. He was being an asshole, and then brought me flowers home. Then he acted like an ass as he gave them to me. I plunked them in a vase, completely disassociated. He asked me, “What do you even need?” And in my head, the answer was, “To be away from you.” But I know saying that won’t help, so I just walked straight up the stairs to bed and went to sleep. 

I dreamed about my ex husband. I haven’t even thought about him in a long time. In my dream he was drinking. It was clearly about current husband on some level. I woke up and cried. 

Yesterday was the worst Christmas I have ever had. I was not in a good mood. Depression and fibro don’t care what day it is. Husband asked me what was up, and I said, “Christmas is boring with no money and no people.” I was thinking about how everyone in the world has someone else. And when I met my husband, I had people. I had like 4 people I would see every year. I would get gifts. I would give them. He had no one. Now, somehow, he has dragged me into that world, rather than the opposite. And it’s not like the people I had were decent the rest of the days of the year, but those people all have their own people. Meanwhile, I don’t even get a text from my own brother on Christmas. The gift I got my kid is fucked up, and trying to fix it made it worse. So I gave nothing and got nothing. I cried and told my husband, “I work so hard all year, and I don’t even have one gift for any of my own children on Christmas Day. It’s not ok…”

Today I didn’t care if I lived or died. I don’t care about anything. I would rather be gone, except who would truly take care of my child?

I told my husband today that this coming year, I’m going to be working as much as possible, and that he won’t see me. I said, “I need to get us out of debt. And if that means I work all the time, that’s what it means. If I bust my ass it’ll take only a year, and one year of all of our lives of me being busy won’t kill any one of us. We will have Sundays as a family, and I need you to take care of the children and house while I hustle. I’m not going to feel badly about it, because if we have things paid and money to spend, our family days will be more enjoyable anyway.” I saw it click.

I realized today what happens that causes issues. It’s like I’m already at a high level of self-hate. And then his negative, critical words increase it. And nothing comes along to counteract it. Nothing. Nothing that has enough weight to. Small comments from him or friends or clients help, but they can never measure up. So I just feel suicidal all the time. 

Soon we will have to discuss it. 

I want to go to a party filled with people who like me and want me there. I don’t know if I’ll ever experience that again in my life. I’ve cut off so many people because they weren’t really there for me. They were fake, manipulative, selfish… is fake friends better than no friends? 

I hope my new job gives me a social life. I hope I get my new job…