Sigh

The scale was nice to me again this morning. I have had 500 calories of dumb shit today and a binge and purge. I feel disgusting, but not in the worst way. I just know I could have done something healthier with my intake today.

The husband got me flowers and a card and candy (that I threw up). I’m trying to give this another chance in emotion as well as action. I’m not feeling like emotion is an option, though. I can go back to the routine and the actions of being invested in this, but emotionally I’m not feeling or thinking that way. This could end at any moment, and I would be fine. I can see he’s getting desperate, clingy. He knows he’s a fuck up and that I don’t deserve this. I told him the only domain of my life that really sucks is him. I meant it. 

When we got married I gave up all my wild ways. Some days I really regret that. Some days I want to be disordered and crazy and have fun again. I miss fun. I thought being mentally healthier would equate feeling better, and it does in some ways, but not in others. It’s less fun. And meeting people like this lunatic this week makes me question everything… I don’t think I would want what she has, but I’m not quite happy with what I have either. There’s a side to me that wants to throw this relationship away and go wild, and there’s a part of me that wants to stay strong with my husband and hole up somewhere in the universe and not have other people around at all. I don’t know what this should realistically or healthily look like, but I’m not thrilled with the current status. 

I have lost all my friends, but I don’t seem to want to do anything about it. I don’t think I have the energy for friends right now in my life. I barely have the energy to work part time. Maybe once I get the toddler in vpk and the husband graduated, I can figure that out. 

And I’m feeling a little disappointed with my friends currently… I know no one is perfect, but I don’t feel like a priority in some peoples lives and that’s hard. I’ve been feeling disappointed with the M’s if I’m honest with myself… they’re there for gossip or jokes, but not when I’m super struggling sometimes. They can’t handle what my life really looks like, and I get that. 

It’s also difficult not being everyone’s brand. That part hurts sometimes. I knew yesterday I was talking too much. I couldn’t stop. I lost a client. 

My mental health needs help. I can’t wait until I go to my doctor appointment and the eye doctor. These constant eye strain headaches are not helping anything. I want to be able to see again and pop a pill every day to help me feel better.