Hate me

 MRO call. Fuck. I called the recruiter. Pretty sure it was a mistake. Pretty sure I’m making them over and over because my anxiety is killing me. 

I should google more. I hate myself right now. I think no news is good news, but I’m not sure how this will go. I hate myself. 

Things idk

The job still had not called as of this afternoon. I was freaking out. Ham said call them. I did. Waiting on labs. Idk if that’s normal, but the recruiter made it sound like standard things. I keep having a thought my pee wasn’t clean, but I tested it, so I keep talking myself down from that ledge.

I am so excited for this change, but trying to be cautious about it. I can’t wait to get my car and new work clothes and to start making consistent money. I know the job might be challenging, but I also feel capable. It’s weird, but I do feel like a capable person in that domain. I feel like I learn well and stay organized, and I can honestly learn anything if I try to.

My weight is dropping steadily. I've lost a good amount - 25lbs since my surgery when I weighed in today. The last 9 days I only had one bad one. That’s insanely impressive. Right now I’m a little hungry, but it’s easy to go to sleep for dinner, right? 

Quitting weed was the secret. I let my card lapse. I haven’t asked for one exception. The job is part of it, but I think it was more just the catalyst for what needed to happen all along. My meds now get to work like they are supposed to. Throw a little caffeine on top, and it’s golden. I feel so much better, just like I thought I would. 

I would really like to get to go on a vacation for Christmas. I would really like to be in a body I like at that point. 

Working out is the next challenge to tackle. But first we start this new job. 

Words

Someone else will get to say those words to me

It should be you, but I guess you couldn’t see

That I waited practically forever, but 

Someone else will get to say those words to me

The compliments and flattery are lovely 

Sometimes they really do feel so sincere

But then the things I know you’ll take back later

The broken stinging bringing me to tears

Behavior is the thing I can’t stop seeing 

My eyes and my ears just somehow don’t agree

I’m never  sure where we are in this journey

I’m never sure if you truly long for me

The pushing and the grasping state intention

You want me to pull the trigger in the end

I didn’t want this to be our story

I know that you could never be my friend 

This love is meant to be all or nothing 

Well burn bright and burst right into flames

I should not have hoped for happy ever after 

My life and yours will never be the same

I wonder if all love will hurt this badly 

Sometimes it’s what keeps me up at night

I think when this is over I’ll be lonely 

But this pain is too deep to unsee the sight 

Actually ok

The goal lately has been under 1,000 calories per day. It’s been 5 solid days. I am actually feeling good. 

The biggest part is planning. I need things available. I need to like the things. It’s ok if they are ridiculous and random meals - I need them. I need to be ok with them and go to whatever lengths to get them - even if that’s a random grocery order at 8am that’s all yogurts and vegetables and chicken. I need to make a list of things that are ok with me to eat. I need to allow myself whatever makes me feel fueled and good. 

I need to keep up not smoking. It’s made a huuuuge difference with my eating. I can tell my meds are working properly now that I’m not. 

Idk I hope all this lasts. I hope I get my new job start date soon. I’m scared about it and trying not to be. 

I bought a car. I hope I get to keep it. 

Sexiness

I want to be sexy again. I want to feel sexy. I want my body to be appealing to others. I want to get hit on. Listed after. I want to be worshipped. 

I have no regrets about my slutty past. Except maybe I should have done it a bit more a bit sooner. 

It’s really time to get skinny. Regardless of what that looks like. 

Hope?

I really wish I would have stopped fuckingggg smoking. 

I have an interview. For a good job. That’s still in my field but would eliminate the things that are stressing me the fuck out lately. And the money is more than I make now.

I impulsively want to do a lot of math on this and am trying not to as to not get my hopes up. The outlook looks promising. 

I applied yesterday and they called me today. It’s at my old company. Do I really want to go back? Actually, yes, a little… I think for the money I’d make it’s blissful. It would be a great thing on my resume that could catapult me into even higher paying jobs. It’s a good move. 

I want to find my balance again. I want chaos. I want to be so engulfed with work I forget to eat. I want to wear makeup and heels again. I want my fucking office back. I want to engage with adults besides my husband and clients. I want to feel like I’m doing important things again. 

I realized I can never be still. I always want the next thing. More. Better. I can’t stop. 

But my pee could interfere with this process. Hopefully not. Working on a detox and hoping I won’t need a masker for the pee test. Hoping I have time. Hoping for a lot out of this. 

Living is awful

Therapy is complete bullshit. It’s just a bunch of self-absorbed people inflating each others’ egos. It doesn’t fucking work, because no one ever knows what the fuck to do about the issues. It’s all a fucking wrong guess. They act like the answers are already inside, but if that were the case, no one would fucking need it. 

I believe in the concept of ending it… Like, I get it. Sometimes I’m so jealous of those who kill themselves. It’s such an efficient and selfish and poetic thing to do. I wish I just had earlier. Now I can’t, and it’s tragic. I should have done it before I was ensnared in this life he promised me and can’t, or won’t, deliver. I should have done it before the moments I ever had someone to make me a hollow promise about a future together. 

I wonder how close I could get… I wonder if anyone would pay attention if I started to wither away. Is there anyone to even see at this point?

I think of alternative lives daily. Ones where I stayed or left or went another way. I imagine ones that come from whispers of dreams, and spend entire days tucked away there only to awaken at the end to experience the acutest moments of pain and abuse. Little pinpricks after a day of fogginess. I cry every single day, which it a little ridiculous if you think about it. I need to lower my expectations and not hope so much. I keep thinking small glimpses of good mean there is good to see, but there isn’t. It’s just a desert mirage - shiny and hopeful, until you get closer and realize it’s just a scorching lifeless stretch of ground ahead of you. Forever. 

They act like it gets better in life, but it never fucking does. Whatever shit level of life you’re born into is where you’ll stay. You’ll change shitty things, and feel good for a brief shining moment, and then life will throw new shitty things at you for you to overcome. It never gets better. And I don’t think those small moments are worth it. 

I don’t know if it would even make a difference to start a different life. I can suffer in this one, or suffer alone, or suffer with new people in new places with new experiences. Do I just keep the most familiar of pain? I know why people stay. The devil you know, and all that. 

I’m increasingly wanting to leave this life and mapping out the newer journey. But I have no idea.