Fattyfattyfatfat

I feel like garbage. I'm tired of this cycle of binging and restricting, smoking and not smoking, feeling great and feeling like shit. 

I'm tired of falling asleep with a stomach crammed with food and awakening with nausea and stomach cramps feeling depressed and hating myself. I have to poop for the first 3 hours I'm awake non-stop, and ain't nobody got time for that... 

I. Fucking. Hate. Myself.

My birthday trip is this weekend, and I'm fat. And I had the chance to not be. And I blew it. 

All this over interaction with my mother??

Grief

My anxiety is through the roof. 

Why do realizations have to strike at midnight? Why do epiphanies only come out at dark? 

My life has been chaos for 12 years. 13 years. Mh whole fucking life. I just want a place to exist and have peace. I just want stability and consistency for a small shining period. And I don’t know if it will ever happen. It’s just constant transition. New challenges. Some I elect, and some the universe sends to me unannounced. I would like to be calm. I would like to rest. 

I would like to be able to sleep at night without being so stuck in the muck and mire of worry. 

I will never again get to have a mother daughter relationship. My own mother will never be a part of my life again to functionally facilitate anything of an intimate nature, and I didn’t have the daughter of my own that I always envisioned. That’s a large thought to grieve. 

I could have been selfish. I could have been selfish and had another child. I could have kept doing that until I had my girl. But I was already selfish in cutting off my existing dynamic in this regard. I don’t think you get to be selfish in both directions. I don’t think I’m cut out for a mother daughter relationship in my life. 

My heart wants to say “maybe…” but I know I can’t allow that journey. 

So depressed

Triggering shit this week that has caused this depressive episode:

Parental contact 

Issues with kiddos

Digging up ex 

Hubby is not nice

Sometimes I forget that I have actual serious depression - that I can’t do shit about it. That there doesn’t have to be a big reason to trigger a terrible episode. That sometimes it barely takes anything. 

I feel alone. That’s really it. That is what has triggered all this this week… And I have it in my head that if I going to be alone, then I want to REALLY be alone. I don’t want people in my life there just filling space. I don’t need people just to have them. I don’t want to do for others all the time without reciprocation. I want actual fulfillment in my relationships. I want to be treated well. And all I’ve done this week is replay past events and process recent events where I was treated like garbage. I guess it spiked an episode. 

So I tell clients there are technical difficulties. Please stand by. 

Sometimes I think I need a new career. Like is this really sustainable? Am I kidding myself? Am I destined to actually burn out, or once I have the ability to be more balanced, will this make more sense? 

I’m not sure what will become of things today. I don’t know if I have a single fuck left to give… I’m tired and my body hurts, and I can’t sleep, but I physically feel drained and mentally feel drained… is it worse to drag myself through work or to stay home and feel guilty? I have had a very good run of not calling out - this week that was not the case… but I think it’s been since July that I really had it bad like this. 5 months is impressive. 

And then today I wish I could fucking die. 

I would like to be alone… 

Reality versus fantasy

The weekend made me so anxious. Binging, purging, crying, paranoia.

I hate my parents and don’t want anything to do with them. I’m sad about it but mad. I’m tired. I’m discouraged. I had to integrate things into my home that they dropped off. I love the items but it’s been a reminder of the insanity. It’s an impossible scenario. 

Yesterday and today I called out of work. Bye, money... I just can’t do it. I know I’ll likely find later this was not a good idea, but I’m just too mentally drained to talk to anyone. I can’t do it every day… today I decided no. I asked husband if he would be upset. He said no. He rolled over and went back to sleep. I cleaned up a bit and put groceries away. I tended to toddler. I want to do these things more and work less. I want to be 50% housewife/mom and 50% business owner. It’s not ok with me that I can’t have that ratio… I think that’s really been the ticket all along honestly… I’m good at keeping house. I like it. I’m good at running my business and I like that. But full time both is too much and my only option at the moment. Anything stressful that comes along tips that scale and leaves me spiraling. 

I took Xanax and have been smoking. I want a nap. Sleep is a wonderful escape lately and so is fantasizing. 

Piling up

Had a meltdown this week about Oldest’s bday. I meant it all - I feel like no one appreciates me. All I can do is express that and hope it’s heard. It hurts. I’m tired. 

This week was loooong and draining. I am not on auto pilot with a lot of my clients yet, so it’s taxing. I’m sure in about a month I’ll feel used to this schedule and volume, but I’m struggling to adjust currently. 

My eating disorder is creeping up a lot lately. I have been trying very hard to let myself be more moderate. To eat more calories than I usually do, and to not limit types of food so much. It’s not easy. The narrative in my head about food is constant and anxious. “What should we have for breakfast - maybe an English muffin? Yes a 100 calorie one with egg whites and a single... That would be 145 calories. Or can I do a whole egg instead of an egg white? That’s 200 calories… I’m not sure… 200 calories is reasonable though, right? It’s already a diet bread and a diet cheese. No butter. So is it ok? Yes let’s make it ok… 200 calories is not too much… I think it’s ok…”

I’m exhausted by it. Every meal is like this. Every grocery shopping endeavor. Every thought of food is a tug of war between Ana & Mia and Recovery. 

I didn’t win today. I had a good breakfast, a binge and purge for lunch, a good dinner, a binge for dessert. 

I dug up the past, and I guess I couldn’t process it well. I’m not sure what was even upsetting to me - the thoughts of now or then. I’m glad he’s in a better place - it’s both nice and ugly to see, honestly. I just wish I knew why it hit like that, or if that was even the factor. Maybe it was because no one was home and completely due to opportunity. Maybe it was the stress of everything else. I know my binges are related to stress, but sometimes I don’t know what the stress even is. 

My stomach hurts. 

Jumbles

It’s been a week. Work is hectic. I think I took on a few too many clients, but I’m trying to ride it out rather than refer anyone. I need money, so the more I work and the more clients I have, the better this will go… I’m a couple thousand behind where I need to be. I’m getting my spending under control, but like goddamn I’m tired of the money struggles in my life. I feel completely overwhelmed with it frequently. 

The scale today was nice. I’m hungry right now. Yesterday I went to be hungry, I woke up today hungry, I didn’t eat solid food until 1pm. It had been 24 hours. I love this feeling. I love not wanting to eat. Conflict with husband makes it easier to starve. Being broke makes it easier to starve. Hating myself makes it easier to starve. 

My weight is dropping. 

Husband is the same.

I looked over my last entry, and all the same sentiments apply. I’ve expressed to him that he needs to fix this - that I can’t. I don’t think he’s grasping it. I’ve let it slide very often lately. Long gone are the days when I could run to Jenn. Or Bogs. Or Gerard… I now have to live through these moments. I have to communicate about the little human we brought into the world. I don’t have the income or vehicle to run away like I want to. So I wait. I try to protect my self esteem. I know that I could find someone else even with all my baggage. I’m good at making men fall in love with me. I know how to play the games even at this age. It would be fine to play them again. I might have drama, but that can be appealing. I could find someone to elevate my life instead of the other way around. 

“You are and always will be special to me.” 

I wonder what my life would be if I had gone to lunch that day. 

Needing clarity

Organizing myself here... Mid 2020-mid 2021 I was severely depressed. I am clearly still depressed, but not as intensely. 

What did I change? 

I lost some weight, had surgery, changed jobs, shifted friendships, cut off my parents, handled the autism diagnosis of baby, started wellbutrin, and made peace with weed and money. All of these made me feel better. All of them are still works in progress, but going well, and I feel good about them. I know I come here solely to spew poison most entries, but in reality I feel good about my life for the first time in a long time. I feel like I am doing well. I somehow feel better. 

Except for the husband. 

He is mean. miserable, critical, rude... I have thought of the ways and plans of leaving. I have explored my options. I have options. I have an idea. I don't want it to come to that, but you can only ask for someone to treat you well so many times in life.

So how long do you allow someone to be like that before you make a decision to leave them behind? Where is the hard line? Am I destined to outgrow all of my partners? Do I feel good without someone there? Can I handle being single? I have so many unanswered questions and only one wish - that he would just stop being so mean. 

I know my answer - I know I need to wait for my moment of clarity. I know it will come. It has not yet. I know what it will feel like. I know what the experience is like. I can't rush it. 

I honestly can't change anything in this - I know I am loving well and lovable and doing all the right things. But you can't fix people. No amount of love or acceptance can make someone else happy. 

The path I see is we get some distance right now, we make up, we get our money, we get a car, we pay off the lingering things, he graduates, he gets a job, we move. After that I don't know... I would like this to go like this. I know our silence right now will not equate him leaving. I know he won't take the money and run. And if he does, so be it. I will figure it out. I always do. I'm not scared of being alone. I'm not scared of hard work. I'm not scared of poverty. 

The only thing I'm scared of is someone taking away the happiness that I worked 35 years to acquire. I can't ever let that happen.