Fuck work

 I think I am about to get fired again. 

I had a meeting last week with my boss who said I need to pull my numbers up. She said a number I will not be capable of hitting within the month. It’s a higher number than what the employee handbook says. It’s a higher number than I ever really want to work… it’s a sooner date than what I think is actually possible.

Tomorrow I have a secondddd retraining meeting in the past 5 months. Today 4 people in my pod got fired. In my head I have 10 days left at this job. Because it’s math. We’ve all been reduced to a metric, and 5.88 is not 6 no matter if it’s still a huge profit margin for the company. 

Make that make sense. 

So, what is the fallback plan? By a weird series of events, I think the job I want at my kid’s school is open. And I think the gravity of that would make me do well there. And I wouldn’t have to hit any fucking metrics.

But then I can’t hide. That’s where the panic seeps in. 

I have to be on a lot. I can’t do weird toxic shit for the time that I’m at work. I’ve had decades of jobs where I interacted like that. Idk why now since Covid I feel like if I work with people all day I will be sooo exposed…? I’m still hidden. Anonymous and mysterious. Still able to seem like I have a life. Still able to perform. 

That’s the issue with metrics - adhd doesn’t work well with them. I need my personality to get me places at work, because it’s all I have to work with.

I’ve been a bad employee like forever. Idk I think because I’m hard working that I’m a good employee but I’m genuinely not. I change jobs all the time because I can’t stay consistent. I need a job where I can work hard and then slack off but smile pretty and then go back to working hard. Internship was like that. This feels a bit like that. Restaurants was like that. Attendance is my only issue, but I think that I will manage ok there. 

Weirdly, the vice principal was waiting to ask me a question when I went to get little one today, and she asked if she could call me tomorrow morning. I’m going to ask her about taking A’s position as she leaves. 

Last time I worked there was rapid af to start and as soon as I can get out of this company the better. I fucking hate it. The hatred finally kicked in - I fucking hate it.

Time yet again in this capitalist life to scour the job market.