Choosing Almond Mom

I have been a brain-dead mess lately. I've been disassociating pretty bad for several days-like noticeably worse than usual. 

I was coming here to say idk why, but I realize what triggered it... I had a pretty significant trauma response to sex stuff this week... It's never happened before within my awareness like that. In the moment, I realized it HAS happened before within that scenario, but I just didn't realize that's what it was. I didn't like it. I feel like it's such a setback, but I think I did my part to manage and remedy things... I don't think the next time around I will have less progress, it's just shitty that that's all still in there... 

The trauma is trauma-ing hard lately. Memories, dreams, processing shit, and noticing how much of it there is. 

I'm just SO fucking anxious. 

And I don't think I was connecting all of this... 

I've hit a wall the past few days where all I feel the moment I open my eyes is stress, and it never stops, so I try to just disassociate until it's over. I don't listen to music on my commute - I just let my mind wander and try to convince myself no one in their cars is watching me... I feel numb. I feel nauseated. I feel exhausted and drained, and when I get home, as soon as I can tuck my mind somewhere else, I do. I only let it surface to manage the dire emergencies like daily feeding of other humans and income and submitting insurance shit late... If I think of a worry I can put off, I put it off, a little to my own detriment...? I sit in my office hoping no one shows up and that I can sit around in comfy clothes on my phone scrolling or watching shitty reality tv. My body is physically very reactive to the point of jumpy/paranoid hearing things. I have chewed off all my gels and then nails; they feel so thin they hurt... 

My stomach is in shambles because of my eating habits the past several days. I am pretty sure I gave myself IBS in this life, and WOW, it's not worth it lately to binge and not purge. Today I don't know wtf to do besides drink a kombucha and wait it out... It's almost become purge it, or know that tomorrow you're going to be constipated, and then we will get diarrhea when we treat that, and then even back out... but it'll take a couple days... My body is truly rebelling in my older adult years about the behaviors I have displayed... I need to stop binging because of the constipation alone... And who even knows what kind of havoc I've wrecked with purging... 

BUT, I can't be a human this week.

I felt myself approaching binge/purge territory, dipped my toes, and backed up. I had a good stretch, and then I got a cookie, and that started a downhill 2 days of bullshit. I think in the past I would have gone more than 2 days doing poorly, but this time I saw that approaching and somehow stopped it...

Here is what happened, actually... Friday or Saturday, trauma response. Sunday night, (anticipated "fix things" night, but instead avoided things altogether...) purge. Monday, cookie and binges. Tuesday, binges and purges and more binges (attempted to fix things; put off until next month). 

Now, Wednesday is today... Normally a 2.5 day cycle of this would trigger a much longer one where I just completely lost all the progress I made... But this morning I feel in a better headspace food-wise. 

Not a healthy head-space by any means, as idk how to do that... But who showed up is the version of me that says, "Hey, let's not binge and purge; let's eat juuuust a little instead, ok? You don't have to starve, but just stay well under your cals maybe...? Like, let's stick to Ana-approved foods and drink a lot of water, ok?" 

Like the version of me that subconsciously knows the calories of every food on the planet at this point in my life and won't calculate EVERY calorie, but like 500 is the eternal goal, obviously, so I WILL be paying attention to what goes in my mouth... And like we can't deviate from the strictly approved menu, or it'll be binge and purge time, and we're trying to avoid that part soooo... 

IDK is this what "recovery," looks like? wtf does ED recovery even look like?? I fucking wish someone could explain it to me... 

Anyway, my more moderate, but still restrictive and disordered, version is who I was able to channel somehow... Even yesterday when I was shopping, I decided to buy food to force myself into the restrictive head-space and away from this shit I've been doing. I ordered minimal binge foods that Ima throw away when I get home and made sure I had options ranging in calories from 10-300. I ordered a healthy-ass dinner and made sure I had my survival foods. 

Normally that doesn't work, though. I think it really was just choosing that headspace. I can't keep saying, "fuck it," about what I eat. I fucking really need to be on the other side of this disorder, since it's clear this shit isn't going anywhere. 

It really is all about control. That's the shitty part of eating disorders that no one ever tells you, is that once you take the control of your body, you keep it forever. Instead of listening to it, you speak for it, and it stops speaking. It stops doing food right... it starts digesting wrong, signalling wrong, rebelling... Now I have full control, but no help... and no idea what to do. How do I make it look like I want? How do I make it act like I want? You think I'd know by now... 

I canceled my therapy session, because I don't feel like it's helping. I feel like she asks questions about what's going on on the daily, that's a lot to explain, I process, and then I leave. But that feels like work I can do on my own and don't need help with. I need help with food. Food and I can't seem to get along for 25 years... I always emphasize this, and no one ever acknowledges it or focuses there. 

I genuinely tried this time. And I don't think I want recovery. I think this version of me that showed up is basically an almond mom, and I think that's probably what I would like to be. I'm not trying to be thinspo; I'm just trying to get a body I don't hate, and lately as I lose weight I DO hate my body less, sooooo... 

I actually think a lot of therapy things are absolute fucking garbage bullshit. And I would never say that publicly. I DO believe in it, but I think what it DOES is bullshit... It's just a bandaid for the unlucky people. "Hey, it's ok that you don't fit in and you're never going to get the things that you (and everyone, really...) want out of life - Let's blame everything on your parents..." 

Like, no one needs therapy... You're just paying someone to be your fake friend, and they have no more answers than you, or they wouldn't be a therapist...? Like, everyone does their best in this life, and if your best is a therapist, you didn't do very well. It's like a barely passable career... I'm sure it's better than where you came from, and you're bottom-upping in life and not moving sideways or sinking from where you started, but you're not where I would like to exist. You're not rich, you're not thin, and I'm sure you're not actually happy; no one is... Like why should I listen to you - I can see what your life is, and I don't want it. I can see by your body you're disordered with food too, and that's why NO ONE HELPS.

Fuck, bro...

I just remembered that yesterday I talked to Elle, and it triggered me purging. She started talking to me about bulimia really randomly (like we have never spoken on it before...?), and I felt like a deer in headlights. I left the room immediately, and went and purged. IDK why the urge was so fucking strong to do it, like I HAD to... Like, "If she doesn't purge, then I have to, and then that makes me better than her." And I had eaten weird not-intended-to-be-purged foods all morning, so it was not a nice purge, by any means. 

And I actually think my office-mate overheard me... I also had 3 white monsters in the fridge at work, so I'm sure that looks sus, but I don't think anyone really uses that fridge... I also don't care. Like clearly I desperately do care, but I'm choosing not to pay attention to my office-mates. I've decided we have so little contact that I don't need to care what they think of me. But, that's not going according to plan if I'm honest. 

I really thought I would have this under control by now, but I don't. 

I really didn't think it WAS an issue until recent years... And I thought I would just be able to put it down when I was done. EDs don't let you put them down. They become a part of you. You do the things as first just to try them out, and then you catch the bug. The weighing, calories, losing... The first high is the best, and then you spend your life chasing that feeling. But you can't really ever get there again. 

But, I would like to get close, at least.

I think my job is too mentally taxing. I don't think it's possible to do it well, and I need more money. I hate that on the outside, it looks prestigious, because in reality, I'm broke as shit. And the amount of money I owe others currently is staggering. 

That is all.