People

I found a new one. I told her I’m a shit show. She said she’s down for it. She said it’s often about timing. She means it’s about willingness to change. So far I like her. We’ll see Monday when I meet her.  

The last two days I’ve been around 800 calories. It’s been easy because I’ve been so fucking busy. Evenings are hard. Right now I want to eat half a pizza, but I won’t.  

I’m trying very hard not to abuse Xanax. I think I need a couple days without it. It just feels so good to shut off. I need to. My life won’t let me live any other way. Shut off or suffer and worry. Old me would have popped all the pills. New me has a baby to worry about. I don’t care if I live or die at any given moment except for how much it would hurt my husband and kids. I only function for them.

Why am I so easily able to get people to like me? You’d think that would be enough. But no. I hate me. I guess I just think all people are dumb. They fall for my bullshit, so they must be. I put on a face, string together some sweet words, kiss a little ass, and the little birds peck seeds from the palm of my outstretched hand. It’s almost sickening. I know what to do and say in any moment to manipulate a person. I could have used my night to win over SB if I wanted to. I didn’t - hate him. But I know I could have. 

I even got fucking Desiree to like me. She hated that she did, but in the end she liked me. 

I’m tired of people. 

But getting called hot tonight was pretty chill. Adorable really. Like I do still have it I guess.