My fucks account balance is in the negative

My attitude lately has been garbage. It's because literally everything in the world is garbage, and I can't even rant about it because my pussy ass husband can't handle anything... 

It's because I'm so SICK of walking around on eggshells with him. Because it's pointless. 

So, now I just say the things. I don't care. He is literally so difficult to live with... He says I have a tone all the time. It's because I know like every single conversation how he's going to be. I know how it's going to end, what he's going to say, how he's going to project stupid shit, and so now I just jump to the end of things, because I don't want the whole exchange, I just call out what I see the ending being, he feels called out, and he acts like shit. In the past two days he's called me "annoying," and "fucking disgusting," and I haven't done shit. So I don't put up with it. 

Today I told him if he kept running his mouth, I was going to start recording it so I could play in in custody court and show the judge what kind of environment he's creating for our kid. I saw that one give his pathetic little pea brain a jolt. 

Today didn't even have to be like this - we had discussed that everyone was going to be gone today so I could do some things alone at the house. He comes home, and I guess what he WANTS is some great standing ovation. But I recognize that what he's actually doing is giving into his OCD and fucking spying on me to make sure I'm not doing anything "wrong." And I fucking know it... And I don't give a fuck if you spy, because since I am so fucking STRAIGHT EDGE these days, I'll put all my own shit on blast, because it's literally fucking NOTHING, and if you find "something" there to be mad about, you were trying and deserve to feel the suffering you caused yourself while I'm off not giving a fuck...

So I'm not overly welcoming - sorry, you've been out of my sight like 1 hour - I don't even want you here. Then he starts telling me he wants to do specific things today, but he means ME. He kept asking me when I was going to eat, kept asking me for shit, talking to me about stressful dumb shit with his pathetic, useless, terrible job. Like bro, I expected this house to have like a sliver of silence today... So I stop walking on eggshells. I point out I don't give a fuck what he says about my eating, that he's not supposed to be home, that I don't care about his stories, etc. I straight up said, "I was not supposed to have to be interacting with you today, and you come home and try to shift my whole day, and I just wan to sit in my living room alone and eat alone and watch something without anyone." And he got offended. Like, go ahead... It's not that you're annoying (even tho he is); it's that I anticipated silence, so anything more than that is annoying af. I didn't text him once he left. He didn't text me for hours. 

Not texting at all is my new approach. Because another method must be developed - he cannot be given the same grace anymore... 

I thought he was cooler than this in the past. I never saw all THIS of a man coming... 

I thought he was like outgoing, popular, social, funny, adventurous. He truly used to be. When he stopped drinking, I had to trade that outgoing boyfriend for one who's terrified of people. His drinking silenced his OCD. And for a while it was still ok. Like several years. He used to handle it better before COVID. Everything. Now, he's like a brain-fried mess, and he's asked so much of me the past several years that I don't have any patience left for his mental illness. I just see it for what it is and bluntly bash it, and his fragile ego can't handle it. He's tucked himself under a rock for like 5 years, and when I even try to talk about the outside world, he just acts like I need to stop talking, when in reality he's just totally out of touch, like an embarrassing amount. 

He's just as exhausting to be with and needy as he ever was as an alcoholic - it's just different things now. And lately I just say no. Like I can't do it - my motivation is nothing. He keeps saying he's going to divorce me, and I feel no panic about that. Not even because I don't think he ever would (even tho that's true), but because I know I would be just fucking fine no matter what. 

I feel like I'm not attracted to him like I used to be. 

When we're out in public, he will start thinking something I'm doing is embarrassing and start to try to hush me. And trust me, I'm not the socially awkward one... I get paid to socially interact - I've always been good at it and good as smoothing it over if I'm not. He's not that person. It's becoming like ex husband where I'm laughing at a joke so that someone does, but I don't think it's funny. Because no one does. 

He used to try a little harder... Now when I'm like "you smell terrible; go shower," or like, "your breath is bad," he just get pissy and defensive about it instead of just going and fixing it. I've said I don't like his beard very long, and he just keeps it long all the time now. It smells funky when it's long, he doesn't keep up with his neck and cheeks when it's long, and when he comes in to kiss me, it's like a fucking tumbleweed in the face, so it's not pleasant. At all. I don't even want to kiss that face with all that beard. If I tell him I dislike his outfit, he blows up. And the other day I was like, "You're dressed like a homeless person and leaving the house with me - like, I'm LITERALLY the person you're supposed to be trying to impress out of ALL the people in the world, and you're not."

I never want sex, and I don't know if that's just him or me. I think I'm honestly a person who only likes physical things if they're with a new person. Fraysexuality. Probably just disordered, but I don't really care. 

In the end, we argued again in the evening. I was cooking. He said, "I don't even want to eat." And I was like, "Good. I won't cook." Like, I had barely started, bro... I can put this shit back away and not do all this shit. And he was like, "Well, the biggest kid is coming over..." And I was like, "So? I'm not cooking for one person, especially something I'm not even going to eat. And both of you are grown-ass men and can figure it out. And yesterday he cost me $80 and I'm sending him home with two new pairs of shoes, so fuck it." I put the food away and went to do laundry.

Like, I'm thin, and I really don't give a fuck now. 

Life

I weigh the same I did before I had baby. I’m still overweight. I was then, but it wasn’t that bad - only like 10lbs and at that time I had a lot of muscle mass from the months of working out leading up to my wedding, so I looked pretty good. Now weight sits on my body differently and it’s not as attractive at this weight. 

I went to lunch with Emma yesterday. I needed it. I vented for hours and asked her all the things I wanted to know about her life. I needed it so badly and it was so nice. 

I’ve of course over analyzed everything about the entire experience…

She noticed I’ve lost weight. She was like “you look itty bitty,” and I just took pause, and she goes, “like really itty bitty…” and out of my mouth came, “thanks…” And idk how I feel about my response. 

I just straight up told her it’s weightloss shots. I said my doctor recommended it (lie) because I struggle to lose weight because of fibromyalgia (truth). And I told her I’ve been making all the changes I’m supposed to for my life which is also true. It’s just that this medication makes it 100% possible to easily do those things as opposed to fighting to do them, which I did not say. She made a stink face when I said my doctor recommended it, until I said I’m literally doing it and it’s been hard for me to lose weight because of fibro. Then she was like “ooooh,” but idk if that’s just because I revealed that I’m already doing it. Idk how she didn’t piece that part together - I think she just thinks of me as a person who wouldn’t need to stoop to that level with weightloss, but here I am, Emma. I said, “straight up that’s what’s done it - I’m not even gonna sit here and pretend.” Because it is, and I won’t. 

If anything a part of me wanted to be like, “you should do them.” I’ve seen her weight over the past 5 years just steadily creep upward. And yesterday I was looking at her thinking like, “yeah I would see her now objectively as fat.” And when she started dating current boy, it was not as bad. And I know she’s got to be feeling not super great, even if she won’t discuss it. It’s crazy that food is something that is so fucking taboo. I even said to her like, “Emma I say a thing that our generation is the fattest generation like that makes me so sad. Like this next one coming up? They KNOW about processed foods and shit…” and she laughed but it’s just so obvious that it’s painful for the women of our generation. We hate our bodies so much and simultaneously use the relationship with food to help with something. It’s just such a badge of struggling emotionally to struggle with food. And because thats so shameful to admit, it’s all shameful. It’s fucking tragic and in unnecessary. 

I also want my brother to do the shots. I think he would benefit so much. I think I could coach him through it. I think I could pay for it for him tbh. I would like to get to a financial place where I can. Clearly that’s not the case rn. 

Rn I’m in the place for forging documents to try to get a rental home. Terminated from an agency. Working under the table basically. Cute. 

At least I’m looking good. 

Title me

 My new hobby is watching my weight dip on the scale and avoiding food. It’s shocking how easy that is to do rn. Nothing tastes good but also everything does. It’s like the first bite is gross, the next bite is really good, the next bite is moderately good, and then from there it’s like meh. It’s so strange. It makes it easy to take a second when you’re putting something into your mouth to ask yourself like, “What… are you doing??” And then correct. To just stop there. And then a little into eating anything you’re just like completely disinterested in it. Like you forget you were eating or that you were hungry at all. You never feel hungry. It’s shocking how much you don’t - you just absolutely don’t. I can feel that the meds have leveled off well and I’ve adjusted and it’s literally amazing. I bought my second dose just because I don’t want to run out in between dosing rn and since the whole getting fired thing, I just can’t afford to spend on shit like this so it’s a last hurrah. I might as well be miserable and thin instead of just miserable. I would like to be back in the range I’m comfortable with. I’m sitting here thinking about what my ideal weight would be, and I don’t even know. I think when I first met my husband I weighted like 125, and I think I looked really good. He things I looked too thin, but no I looked banging. My arms and legs looked small, and they haven’t in a long time. I want that back while I can still rock it and enjoy it. Literally nothing is going to stop me from it. I was thinking today about the highest weight I got up to, def during covid, and it was like 185 lbs. Like a fucking whale. And rn I weigh 155lbs. I weigh in the middle of my worst and my ideal. I’ve never put my weight on here before. Because my goals and numbers were never as lofty and low as the others’. I knew my body just wasn’t going to do certain things. I could be more petite, but never light. I genuinely have large bone structure - my college health ed teacher marveled at it. I have huge ankles. Like I cannot look frail without looking dead, and the point of all this shit is to look better. Mine was never about hitting some insane number like 99lbs or being able to wrap something around somewhere you shouldn’t be able to. I didn’t even make a thigh gap a goal, though I have eternally longed for one and did have a bit of one at one point. I just wanted to look thin. I wanted people to think of me as a thin person when they envisioned me in their minds. And right now, I know that’s not what people see. And I know I’m dysmorphic af, but I also know that’s true. Rn people probably think of me as plump. 

Like the title of this fucking madness. 

Middle of the night

I miss seducing men. I miss feeling drunk. I miss doing blow. I miss making out. I miss shopping for clothes hoping someone will want to take them off of me that night. I miss feeling hot and desirable. I miss acting reckless and impulsive. I miss meeting new people and trying new things and spending money. 

I’m old now. 

Why is the first step of the plan always “lose weight?” Plan: change life. Step 1: lose weight. Step 2: make money.

I have been losing weights, actually. It feels amazing, and I hope I can truly get down to where I need to be in the course of this. I bought my second bottle today. It’s good shit, bro. I can’t get over how much it’s just turned off certain parts of my brain. It’s shocking. 

I’m tired now. Love you all dearly. 

Gerard thoughts

I never give enough credit to how much I loved Gerard. 

I think because that’s not what we called it - we were best friends. He dated Suz. I was best friends with her. I dated husband. But before I dated husband, before I was talking to him, before Suz and I got together, before Suz and him started dating, it was me and him. And he was my best friend. 

I told him everything. I loved being close to him. It never felt unsafe. Ever. He always made me feel genuinely protected, and he had a big insecure heart that I loved. He was messy, but generous. And genuine with me. He tried to make me laugh. He called me out. He tried to make me feel special, but grounded me. 

I didn’t like that part. I didn’t like when he made me grasp onto reality. I liked when he inflated me like Bird. And when he saw the new fucked up side of me as I descended into my 5 year phase of chaos, he didn’t like watching it. Because he knew me balanced. And I eventually got back to balanced, but he wouldn’t make it that far with me. 

I could have been with him. I know that. He had enough love and patience and drive to make it work if he had had a partner. And we worked well together. If I had taken him and molded him, we would have both been happy. But I had just molded fruitlessly for so long, I didn’t want to anymore. And the wisdom of age was not present with me at that juncture of my life. 

I didn’t know the difference between the loving men and the others yet. My husband and several others have shown me there are deeply loving men in the world. Valiant and strong and courageous and emotional. Maybe messy, but filled with love. And some have shown me the other side. And I know Gerard was a very loving man. He would have loved me well, and we would have been happy. Maybe not as exciting, but more stable than what I ended up with. 

And he was such a good kisser. 

He loved me too much to watch me do all the things I was doing. My boyfriend was threatened by him and pushing him out. He knew he couldn’t stay and not say things. So, he left me. And then we closed forever. And my access to him was gone forever in a crescendo of chaos. 

I wish he would have met me for dinner that night. 

I don't know if I believe that he got a flat. I don’t know what would have become of it if we had gone. I recall that going into it, I was telling myself I didn’t want to sleep with him. I really didn’t. I know it wouldn’t have been good - he’s a guy you train; not one that has it figured out from the start. Plus, I was already regularly fucking with 2 guys and had a sprinkle in there of others. I didn’t need anything out of the night. 

I wish life allowed us to have moments with people. There should be a frozen day once a year for each person where we can see someone from our past again without consequence. Just to see what they’re like now. To say things. To enjoy a day as friends again. To reminisce. 

Who would I pick? Gerard first. Bogart next. Chevy. Probably Adam, if I’m honest. Same for Bird. And Ry, even though I would probably feel a little pathetic for it. But it would be amazing to reminisce with him. He was there for so many of the happy parts of my childhood. 

Pass on my actual exes. I don’t think either of them loved me. 

 

Gonna go figure out my real life now. 

Yet again

I got fired. I have to move by the 22nd. All is lost. 

I hope there is a greater more divine plan than this moment. I need a different life. 

Mini events in my pathetic life

June 11 was the worst flare up of my life. I’m not even really sure why, but I literally had to go to work, and I literally never felt so bad. I cried like 3 times throughout the day. I squatted in front of my space heater wrapped in a blanket smoking my thc pen and crying. I napped for an hour when I had no meetings. Basically everyone kept every meeting scheduled all day, so I couldn’t even hole up like I wanted to. I have never actually gone to work when I felt that badly before. 

The husband is annoying sometimes. That’s all on that.

We’re moving. I called my daddy and cried, and he’s going to help me to do it. I told him I can’t take this level of housing insecurity any longer - it’s been 4 years. He told me he would do anything I needed and that he has the resources. Now I just need to pack the house and find a place. I found a couple places I like, and I hope they work out. 

The first week I did wegovy, I lost 7lbs. The second, I lost zerooooo. And it’s not because I’m not restricting - it’s so fucking easy to do so, actually… I’ve hit the weight where I have literally always plateaued for 6 straight years. This is a place I could have gotten to by myself, so let’s see if it actually helps like it’s supposed to. Today I did double the dose I did last week. Last week around day 5 I felt hunger a little more. I still managed to do well with eating, but the urges were there. It’s just when I go to eat something, my body is like “no,” even if my brain is like “delish.” Like nothing tastes good. Not that it tastes bad or even bland - just doesn’t taste good. It’s hard to explain but a nice experience. Plus on days when I’m legit too busy to eat lunch (today), I don’t just obsess about food until I binge on something. 

Let’s hope it helps