I feel like a different person lately. And I'm not sure if it's good or bad. The prozac has been amazing aside from one single side-effect... I am having more difficulty orgasming. I've even faked it twice this week, which I think I've only done with the hubby like twice overall in the past. It just wasn't going to happen, and I know if he knows I'm struggling in that department, he will tell me to stop taking it.
Which I'm not about to do. It makes me feel amazing.
The doc said if I keep having issues, we can try Wellbutrin in a couple months. She upped my dose, but I'm not sure I want that. I have to find balance between the benefits and side-effects. Not easy.
Plus, part of me thinks in the back of my mind that we're going to start trying to have a baby after not too much longer, and I don't want to be on any meds for that. So, I need to determine what I want to do.
Right now, I want to take it. Low dose. And I want to get off the benzos. And I want to stop taking the Prozac once we are a few months away from baby.
The benzos is hard. I have woken up like 2am every night I haven't taken them. I think the Prozac is making me a little "up" and then I am struggling to get back down at the end of the day. It's like I run a marathon all day. I don't know if the energy is excessive or just what I should have when I'm not so fucking depressed. I don't know what normal is, but I feel good lately.
Even my sex drive is up, but I can't get off once we get going. Well, I can, but it takes SO MUCH EFFORT. I've always been a difficult one in that category to begin with, but lately it's like wtf no.
Anyway...
Weight is still dropping. I gained a little on vacation from sitting in the car for 4 days and eating crap, but now that I'm home, I think that's gone also. I am going to weigh in tomorrow morning. I want to lose weight before we start getting baby-ready. I need to start exercising again, which I feel like I could actually do lately...
IDK, it's nice to feel good. I haven't felt good in so long.
The only thing that kind of sucks still is my lack of a social life.
And I legit miss drinking, dude. Like a lot. I went to bed early on New Year's because I was so tired from our vacation. I was awakened at 12:04pm by my neighbors having a party and shooting off fireworks. The baby and hubby slept straight through them. I laid there listening to people being young and wild and free and drunk. And I was insanely jealous.
I miss parties. I miss drinking. I miss rambling and laughing and flirting and feeling pretty and young. I miss my youth. I guess all people do at some point. But I think I gave up a lot of it when I chose to be with my husband. There was only one option for how our lifestyle had to look, and it made me grow up instantly. Then we threw a baby in the mix. I feel old. I feel bored a lot.
I recognize there is merit and value to our lifestyle. And I don't miss all the parts of how we used to live. But some nights, I wish I could be someone else just for an evening.
Thursday, January 2, 2020
Saturday, December 14, 2019
Prozac
I started Prozac, and I can genuinely say that it has helped so far. Not far enough into it to know for sure how it will be right now, but I’m hopeful.
My focus is improved, I don't want to die every moment, and it's helped with my ED a lot.
My binging was getting out of control. My weight now is steadily dropping. Not drastically - just reasonably. I don’t feel like food has so much control over me. It’s strange and delightful and I hope the feeling lasts.
My focus is improved, I don't want to die every moment, and it's helped with my ED a lot.
My binging was getting out of control. My weight now is steadily dropping. Not drastically - just reasonably. I don’t feel like food has so much control over me. It’s strange and delightful and I hope the feeling lasts.
Wednesday, November 13, 2019
Idiot
I've been a mess.
I have an appointment the first week of December with a psychiatrist. The number of days that I think, "I want to die" are steadily increasing with no end in sight. I think I need to try some meds.
My eating has been all over the place. I started really restricting again, and it's hit or miss. I stopped weighing myself, and I find that it's actually easier to restrict when I don't weigh in... When I weigh in and it's not enough or fast enough, I tend to get the eff-its like, "I'm not losing, so why bother?" OR I weigh myself and I'm doing well, and I will have a thought that I can afford a meal or two when the reality is, I can't. One leads to a binge and then God knows how far It goes...
I need to determine how often I can weigh in and get a better schedule with it... I weighed in over the weekend and was mildly satisfied and kept restricting pretty well all week, but then when I weighed in again yesterday with no change (because of how and when I did it, though...) I got super triggered.
Today at work, there was a baking contest. The hallways reeked of powdered sugar all day. I resisted. I ate my protein bar and hid in my office with my essential oil diffuser going. I had plans to eat something specific when I got home, but when I arrived, the husband had eaten it. I faltered. I just kept picking at things until I had to go throw up.
I didn't initially intend to purge, but the urge was overwhelming. One little passing thought is all it takes and I'm running to the toilet. I purged last night at well, but I honestly don't know why. My intake was pretty low overall, but purging that meal meant almost no food digested.
I'm annoyed I ate and purged... Purging felt good, but the fact that I ate so much when I still have so far to go makes me mad at myself. I had such a good day yesterday, and I should have kept it going rather than attempting to let myself eat. It's like once I start, I can't stop. I need to be more strategic and structured. I need to be stricter.
My daily routine of coffee, protein bar, and apple and/or celery has been going well throughout the day. And honestly, food lately has felt a little blah. Nothing really tastes good when I do eat, so I don't know why I did tonight... I think I'm just overwhelmed with my fucking life and lonely.
But food cannot be my friend. Mia can't either; not really. Ana needs to be my friend. Her and only her.
I spent time tonight looking into the past of my blog...
I used to have boys... So many boys. I had boys for months and years and didn't know what to do with them EVER. Every year a different one. I had Jay, Bogart, Adam, Bird, Gerard, Chevy... I had relationships and flings and things without titles that went on far too long... I had messes.
Why?? What was I getting out of it?
It was exciting, yes, but made my self-esteem so fragile. It was drama, and I don't think drama looks good on me. Drama makes me needy and clingy.
Sometimes I miss it though. Sometimes I think of what my life would be like if I had stayed with a fuck-boy... Would any of it have ever worked? Or what if there was some other person who actually was balanced. Does that exist? Sometimes I want to call them all. I want to check in. I fantasize about bumping into them and how it would go. I wonder if we would reconnect like old times, or if that flame would be extinguished. I can honestly say that I loved all of them in their own ways... I miss them all individually. I want them all to be happy.
And it's so strange, but when I think of the ex husband, I don't feel the same. I feel nothing. No longing, no missing, no regret... I don't think I ever loved him, which scares me a little. I spent 4 years with a person that I didn't love, and I never think back to that time with longing, but the others I had shorter periods with and genuinely miss...
I feel like I ended up with the right man in life. I love my husband. I love the life we are building I don't regret being with him and making things work and adjusting my life to keep him, but I wish I could have some of the old parts back...
I miss drinking. I miss using drugs every once in a while. For the past 2.5 years my life has been so completely different. No significant drinking, no blow, nothing exciting... It's all just bills and babies and work. Being a wife and a mom. And not even a fabulous thin one...
I need to find balance. I need excitement. My husband is working hard in school and in life, and I am so proud. Our relationship is genuinely good, but I'm SO BORED. He's never home. And when he is, we have baby... I am too young to feel this old.
What can I do with myself?? How do I stay old Jay and new Jay at the same time? How do I stay healthier (ish?) and still have fun? I'm crying over this.
I'm unhappy with my life. I don't want to keep going on like this, but I can't go back to the old ways. I don't even want to.
Except for Ana. I want to reconnect with her. I want to rekindle that passion for her.
I always have an easier time restricting in cold months. I don't know why... I think it could be because I was at my lowest weight and most restrictive when I lived up north. It's just easy. Lately it has felt easier, but still not exciting. Nothing is exciting...
I have rules and budgets and no time and too much responsibility... I need to just survive my husband going to school and stick to my routine and learn how to occupy my free time.
And I need to get thin.
I used to think being on maternity leave made me fat, but I think it's honestly due to feeling lonely. I feel extremely lonely these days, and there's nothing I can do about it. My husband is there for me all he can be, I have to be careful at work with my coworkers and in everything I do, and I don't have a lot of friends. And no fuck-boys.
Maybe I'll seek online friends... I need something, and I can't leave my house.
I have an appointment the first week of December with a psychiatrist. The number of days that I think, "I want to die" are steadily increasing with no end in sight. I think I need to try some meds.
My eating has been all over the place. I started really restricting again, and it's hit or miss. I stopped weighing myself, and I find that it's actually easier to restrict when I don't weigh in... When I weigh in and it's not enough or fast enough, I tend to get the eff-its like, "I'm not losing, so why bother?" OR I weigh myself and I'm doing well, and I will have a thought that I can afford a meal or two when the reality is, I can't. One leads to a binge and then God knows how far It goes...
I need to determine how often I can weigh in and get a better schedule with it... I weighed in over the weekend and was mildly satisfied and kept restricting pretty well all week, but then when I weighed in again yesterday with no change (because of how and when I did it, though...) I got super triggered.
Today at work, there was a baking contest. The hallways reeked of powdered sugar all day. I resisted. I ate my protein bar and hid in my office with my essential oil diffuser going. I had plans to eat something specific when I got home, but when I arrived, the husband had eaten it. I faltered. I just kept picking at things until I had to go throw up.
I didn't initially intend to purge, but the urge was overwhelming. One little passing thought is all it takes and I'm running to the toilet. I purged last night at well, but I honestly don't know why. My intake was pretty low overall, but purging that meal meant almost no food digested.
I'm annoyed I ate and purged... Purging felt good, but the fact that I ate so much when I still have so far to go makes me mad at myself. I had such a good day yesterday, and I should have kept it going rather than attempting to let myself eat. It's like once I start, I can't stop. I need to be more strategic and structured. I need to be stricter.
My daily routine of coffee, protein bar, and apple and/or celery has been going well throughout the day. And honestly, food lately has felt a little blah. Nothing really tastes good when I do eat, so I don't know why I did tonight... I think I'm just overwhelmed with my fucking life and lonely.
But food cannot be my friend. Mia can't either; not really. Ana needs to be my friend. Her and only her.
I spent time tonight looking into the past of my blog...
I used to have boys... So many boys. I had boys for months and years and didn't know what to do with them EVER. Every year a different one. I had Jay, Bogart, Adam, Bird, Gerard, Chevy... I had relationships and flings and things without titles that went on far too long... I had messes.
Why?? What was I getting out of it?
It was exciting, yes, but made my self-esteem so fragile. It was drama, and I don't think drama looks good on me. Drama makes me needy and clingy.
Sometimes I miss it though. Sometimes I think of what my life would be like if I had stayed with a fuck-boy... Would any of it have ever worked? Or what if there was some other person who actually was balanced. Does that exist? Sometimes I want to call them all. I want to check in. I fantasize about bumping into them and how it would go. I wonder if we would reconnect like old times, or if that flame would be extinguished. I can honestly say that I loved all of them in their own ways... I miss them all individually. I want them all to be happy.
And it's so strange, but when I think of the ex husband, I don't feel the same. I feel nothing. No longing, no missing, no regret... I don't think I ever loved him, which scares me a little. I spent 4 years with a person that I didn't love, and I never think back to that time with longing, but the others I had shorter periods with and genuinely miss...
I feel like I ended up with the right man in life. I love my husband. I love the life we are building I don't regret being with him and making things work and adjusting my life to keep him, but I wish I could have some of the old parts back...
I miss drinking. I miss using drugs every once in a while. For the past 2.5 years my life has been so completely different. No significant drinking, no blow, nothing exciting... It's all just bills and babies and work. Being a wife and a mom. And not even a fabulous thin one...
I need to find balance. I need excitement. My husband is working hard in school and in life, and I am so proud. Our relationship is genuinely good, but I'm SO BORED. He's never home. And when he is, we have baby... I am too young to feel this old.
What can I do with myself?? How do I stay old Jay and new Jay at the same time? How do I stay healthier (ish?) and still have fun? I'm crying over this.
I'm unhappy with my life. I don't want to keep going on like this, but I can't go back to the old ways. I don't even want to.
Except for Ana. I want to reconnect with her. I want to rekindle that passion for her.
I always have an easier time restricting in cold months. I don't know why... I think it could be because I was at my lowest weight and most restrictive when I lived up north. It's just easy. Lately it has felt easier, but still not exciting. Nothing is exciting...
I have rules and budgets and no time and too much responsibility... I need to just survive my husband going to school and stick to my routine and learn how to occupy my free time.
And I need to get thin.
I used to think being on maternity leave made me fat, but I think it's honestly due to feeling lonely. I feel extremely lonely these days, and there's nothing I can do about it. My husband is there for me all he can be, I have to be careful at work with my coworkers and in everything I do, and I don't have a lot of friends. And no fuck-boys.
Maybe I'll seek online friends... I need something, and I can't leave my house.
Saturday, October 19, 2019
What’s working
I’ve lost 8lbs in the past two weeks. It’s so nice. I’m starting to feel slightly better even though I’m really fat still.
My routine is to take a multivitamin in the morning and drink coffee. Then throughout the work day I have a protein bar split in half a few hours apart and an apple. And then a dinner of lean meat and veg prepared with just herbs/seasonings and spray 0cal butter instead of any oils or whatever. Sometimes I allow a small snack in the evening. My calories are 500-700 on a given day. It’s been working well. The days I don’t stick to this, I don’t do well. The multivitamin helps with hunger I feel like and the protein bar as well. For 200 cals it has low sugar and a lot of protein.
There have been a few days this week where my intake was not good, but my body was kind to me. I think not eating for most of the day is a good thing. Then even if I eat a bit in the evening, I have the calories to spare.
I just have to make sure my weekends don’t murder me.
The feeling of hunger is starting not to bother me. I always wondered how long it took to get to this point and now I know it’s about two weeks. Yesterday I ate about 350 calories all day and though I was hungry, I felt ok. I even went to bed with hunger pangs but it wasn’t like “omfg I need to eat.” Even as I write this, I feel hungry but not desperate for food. That’s what I need to start being really restrictive.
The kids want sushi bowls for dinner. Still mentally planning mine.
Thoughts:
Rice 1/2 cup - 100 cals
Lettuce, carrots, cucumber, green onion, sesame seeds, seaweed salad - 50 cals
Edamame - 1/4 cup - 50 cals
Tuna and crab stick - 200 cals
Eel sauce - 60 cals
I just want to be successful this weekend and head into Monday weighing less than this moment. I can do ittttt.
My routine is to take a multivitamin in the morning and drink coffee. Then throughout the work day I have a protein bar split in half a few hours apart and an apple. And then a dinner of lean meat and veg prepared with just herbs/seasonings and spray 0cal butter instead of any oils or whatever. Sometimes I allow a small snack in the evening. My calories are 500-700 on a given day. It’s been working well. The days I don’t stick to this, I don’t do well. The multivitamin helps with hunger I feel like and the protein bar as well. For 200 cals it has low sugar and a lot of protein.
There have been a few days this week where my intake was not good, but my body was kind to me. I think not eating for most of the day is a good thing. Then even if I eat a bit in the evening, I have the calories to spare.
I just have to make sure my weekends don’t murder me.
The feeling of hunger is starting not to bother me. I always wondered how long it took to get to this point and now I know it’s about two weeks. Yesterday I ate about 350 calories all day and though I was hungry, I felt ok. I even went to bed with hunger pangs but it wasn’t like “omfg I need to eat.” Even as I write this, I feel hungry but not desperate for food. That’s what I need to start being really restrictive.
The kids want sushi bowls for dinner. Still mentally planning mine.
Thoughts:
Rice 1/2 cup - 100 cals
Lettuce, carrots, cucumber, green onion, sesame seeds, seaweed salad - 50 cals
Edamame - 1/4 cup - 50 cals
Tuna and crab stick - 200 cals
Eel sauce - 60 cals
I just want to be successful this weekend and head into Monday weighing less than this moment. I can do ittttt.
Tuesday, October 8, 2019
Weekend and ambivalence
Two days of restricting. Successfully. My weight has already dropped a bit and I’ve only had about 500 cals per day.
My body gets so weird when I do this. I feel manic. My mind feels sharper. My body feels good. I have a crazy amount of obsessive energy. I don’t get as weighed down or care as much. I feel euphoric. I do more at work with better focus. I don’t know if the starving births the mania or the mania births the starving.
I hope this feeling sticks a while. Instinctually I feel like I’ll be able to ride it through the week.
Weekends are always the hardest for me. This week I have plenty to distract myself with and plenty of mania to carry out plans. But weekends are always when I struggle to restrict. Only this weekend will be different. The kids and hubby will all be out of town and only myself and baby to take care of.
I fully intend to drink. I intend to slowly sip wine throughout the day Saturday and consume no actual food. I plan to do it carefully so that the hunger pangs are dull and my mind is a little fuzzy and my body a little warm but I can still function like a good mommy. Right under the legal limit methodically timed and planned.
Isn’t mental illness a sad thing?
Just a month ago I was in the pages of this blog discussing my need to let Ana and Mia go. But I don’t really want that. Even as I wrote it, I wasn’t sure if those thoughts were true or just an idealized pipe dream. I projected them out to the universe to see if they would stick and they didn’t. They can’t because the reality is I don’t feel that way.
I want them here. That’s why they have never left. I want them to whisper sweet nothings into my ears while I ignore my ambivalence. I want them to talk me into being thin again the only way I know how. I want to listen again. I’m tired of ignoring their voices.
And I can say “only until...” all I want, but the truth is it doesn’t ever play out that way. First it will be “only for a couple weeks” and then “only for a couple months” and then “only until my first goal weight” and then two years will have passed. I will develop rules to keep it in check, but they will not give me the results I want fast enough, so I will abandon them. I will give into the addiction again. For who knows how long or to what extent.
I’m tired of fighting it. I’m tired of being in this body fat in this town again. I am always my heaviest when I live here. Surrounded by people who are in no way fat.
I don’t think eating disorders ever really go away. I feel so broken about it. Something is off. and I don’t know how to think or feel or act to be healthy. I don’t think I ever really will.
So I get the effits, as my therapist says. If you can’t beat them, join them.
My body gets so weird when I do this. I feel manic. My mind feels sharper. My body feels good. I have a crazy amount of obsessive energy. I don’t get as weighed down or care as much. I feel euphoric. I do more at work with better focus. I don’t know if the starving births the mania or the mania births the starving.
I hope this feeling sticks a while. Instinctually I feel like I’ll be able to ride it through the week.
Weekends are always the hardest for me. This week I have plenty to distract myself with and plenty of mania to carry out plans. But weekends are always when I struggle to restrict. Only this weekend will be different. The kids and hubby will all be out of town and only myself and baby to take care of.
I fully intend to drink. I intend to slowly sip wine throughout the day Saturday and consume no actual food. I plan to do it carefully so that the hunger pangs are dull and my mind is a little fuzzy and my body a little warm but I can still function like a good mommy. Right under the legal limit methodically timed and planned.
Isn’t mental illness a sad thing?
Just a month ago I was in the pages of this blog discussing my need to let Ana and Mia go. But I don’t really want that. Even as I wrote it, I wasn’t sure if those thoughts were true or just an idealized pipe dream. I projected them out to the universe to see if they would stick and they didn’t. They can’t because the reality is I don’t feel that way.
I want them here. That’s why they have never left. I want them to whisper sweet nothings into my ears while I ignore my ambivalence. I want them to talk me into being thin again the only way I know how. I want to listen again. I’m tired of ignoring their voices.
And I can say “only until...” all I want, but the truth is it doesn’t ever play out that way. First it will be “only for a couple weeks” and then “only for a couple months” and then “only until my first goal weight” and then two years will have passed. I will develop rules to keep it in check, but they will not give me the results I want fast enough, so I will abandon them. I will give into the addiction again. For who knows how long or to what extent.
I’m tired of fighting it. I’m tired of being in this body fat in this town again. I am always my heaviest when I live here. Surrounded by people who are in no way fat.
I don’t think eating disorders ever really go away. I feel so broken about it. Something is off. and I don’t know how to think or feel or act to be healthy. I don’t think I ever really will.
So I get the effits, as my therapist says. If you can’t beat them, join them.
Sunday, October 6, 2019
Fatty
I’m fat.
And I just keep getting fatter. The number over the last year has just ballooned when it needed to drop.
I have to come to terms with my body. The baby damage. The aging. It all makes me hate my body and show disregard for it. I don’t even wear makeup anymore. I’m fat. I don’t have cute clothes. I don’t take care of myself. And I desperately need to.
I want to look like all those thin little girls. I want to feel good about myself. I want to be hot.
I need to lose weight. And I keep trying not to be obsessive about it, but I know no other way. When I say “eff it,” I say it too often and loudly. I balloon. When I say I’ll allow myself to care, I take it too far.
I can’t find balance with this. And if I have to pick an end of the spectrum, I know which one I want.
This is the fattest I have ever been. I can’t live in this body anymore.
And I just keep getting fatter. The number over the last year has just ballooned when it needed to drop.
I have to come to terms with my body. The baby damage. The aging. It all makes me hate my body and show disregard for it. I don’t even wear makeup anymore. I’m fat. I don’t have cute clothes. I don’t take care of myself. And I desperately need to.
I want to look like all those thin little girls. I want to feel good about myself. I want to be hot.
I need to lose weight. And I keep trying not to be obsessive about it, but I know no other way. When I say “eff it,” I say it too often and loudly. I balloon. When I say I’ll allow myself to care, I take it too far.
I can’t find balance with this. And if I have to pick an end of the spectrum, I know which one I want.
This is the fattest I have ever been. I can’t live in this body anymore.
Monday, September 16, 2019
Drowning
Being touched is so unappealing, I feel nauseated after sex. I literally gag. I want to cry. It’s not my husband. It’s just me and my crippling mental health issues.
I’m in the middle of a crowd, and I want to scream. Not that I just want to scream... I actually contemplate screaming. At the top of my lungs, just one long scream. I wonder how others around would react. I wonder what’s making me feel this way. I wonder why that instinct to do so appeared in the fiat place.
I’m pretty sure I’m mean. I know I am. I have no patience. My fuse is about a centimeter long, and I have to save it for work. For the baby. The older kids and my husband and the dog just get explosive me. I don’t remember how to love properly anymore. I can’t identity this personality change or what to do about it. Even my pills don’t help enough.
I was not ready to be a mom. Can you ever be, I wonder? I miss sleeping. I miss my body. I miss my freedom. The question of if it’s worth it isn’t even something I feel the need to pay mind to. I know I’m a pretty decent mom. But I wish I had about 10% more freedom and 10% less responsibility.
Everything in my life is draining.
I can’t wait for my husband to go out of town so I can down a bottle of wine.
I wish I could fix me.
I’m in the middle of a crowd, and I want to scream. Not that I just want to scream... I actually contemplate screaming. At the top of my lungs, just one long scream. I wonder how others around would react. I wonder what’s making me feel this way. I wonder why that instinct to do so appeared in the fiat place.
I’m pretty sure I’m mean. I know I am. I have no patience. My fuse is about a centimeter long, and I have to save it for work. For the baby. The older kids and my husband and the dog just get explosive me. I don’t remember how to love properly anymore. I can’t identity this personality change or what to do about it. Even my pills don’t help enough.
I was not ready to be a mom. Can you ever be, I wonder? I miss sleeping. I miss my body. I miss my freedom. The question of if it’s worth it isn’t even something I feel the need to pay mind to. I know I’m a pretty decent mom. But I wish I had about 10% more freedom and 10% less responsibility.
Everything in my life is draining.
I can’t wait for my husband to go out of town so I can down a bottle of wine.
I wish I could fix me.
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