Jumbles

It’s been a week. Work is hectic. I think I took on a few too many clients, but I’m trying to ride it out rather than refer anyone. I need money, so the more I work and the more clients I have, the better this will go… I’m a couple thousand behind where I need to be. I’m getting my spending under control, but like goddamn I’m tired of the money struggles in my life. I feel completely overwhelmed with it frequently. 

The scale today was nice. I’m hungry right now. Yesterday I went to be hungry, I woke up today hungry, I didn’t eat solid food until 1pm. It had been 24 hours. I love this feeling. I love not wanting to eat. Conflict with husband makes it easier to starve. Being broke makes it easier to starve. Hating myself makes it easier to starve. 

My weight is dropping. 

Husband is the same.

I looked over my last entry, and all the same sentiments apply. I’ve expressed to him that he needs to fix this - that I can’t. I don’t think he’s grasping it. I’ve let it slide very often lately. Long gone are the days when I could run to Jenn. Or Bogs. Or Gerard… I now have to live through these moments. I have to communicate about the little human we brought into the world. I don’t have the income or vehicle to run away like I want to. So I wait. I try to protect my self esteem. I know that I could find someone else even with all my baggage. I’m good at making men fall in love with me. I know how to play the games even at this age. It would be fine to play them again. I might have drama, but that can be appealing. I could find someone to elevate my life instead of the other way around. 

“You are and always will be special to me.” 

I wonder what my life would be if I had gone to lunch that day. 

Needing clarity

Organizing myself here... Mid 2020-mid 2021 I was severely depressed. I am clearly still depressed, but not as intensely. 

What did I change? 

I lost some weight, had surgery, changed jobs, shifted friendships, cut off my parents, handled the autism diagnosis of baby, started wellbutrin, and made peace with weed and money. All of these made me feel better. All of them are still works in progress, but going well, and I feel good about them. I know I come here solely to spew poison most entries, but in reality I feel good about my life for the first time in a long time. I feel like I am doing well. I somehow feel better. 

Except for the husband. 

He is mean. miserable, critical, rude... I have thought of the ways and plans of leaving. I have explored my options. I have options. I have an idea. I don't want it to come to that, but you can only ask for someone to treat you well so many times in life.

So how long do you allow someone to be like that before you make a decision to leave them behind? Where is the hard line? Am I destined to outgrow all of my partners? Do I feel good without someone there? Can I handle being single? I have so many unanswered questions and only one wish - that he would just stop being so mean. 

I know my answer - I know I need to wait for my moment of clarity. I know it will come. It has not yet. I know what it will feel like. I know what the experience is like. I can't rush it. 

I honestly can't change anything in this - I know I am loving well and lovable and doing all the right things. But you can't fix people. No amount of love or acceptance can make someone else happy. 

The path I see is we get some distance right now, we make up, we get our money, we get a car, we pay off the lingering things, he graduates, he gets a job, we move. After that I don't know... I would like this to go like this. I know our silence right now will not equate him leaving. I know he won't take the money and run. And if he does, so be it. I will figure it out. I always do. I'm not scared of being alone. I'm not scared of hard work. I'm not scared of poverty. 

The only thing I'm scared of is someone taking away the happiness that I worked 35 years to acquire. I can't ever let that happen. 

Usual self-hatred

I'm feeling like garbage - nausea, pooping a lot, no idea how to manage it. I don't know if it's my eating or stressing or allergies. It's probably all of the above, but the choices in eating is not helping... 

I'm binging again - late night, high and in bed, gorging. It makes me hate myself. I need to stop. I don't have any fucking clue how to actually do that. I know what works for a moment, for a period temporarily, but I have no fucking CLUE how to fix this shit for real. How do I stop binging? How do I get a better relationship with food and stop with the yo-yo?

I'm just so tired. 

Every morning I open my eyes and hate me the night before. Every evening I give myself permission to be her. I'm like fucking Jekyll and Hyde, and Cally is gone. And I hate all 3 of those people. 

Timeline

I did a timeline of life events… wow. 

My life has been a shit show. 

Pretty much for the entirety of the history of this blog I have had huge shit I was dealing with, huge stressors, terrible mental health… 

When will it get better?

I compulsively work on a timeline when I need to be sleeping. I fell asleep at midnight. Baby awakened at 3am. It’s 6:30am, and I have yet to fall back asleep - sorting through my blog and photos and calendar to piece it all together. I have terrible insomnia, and I’m not sure if it’s the chicken or the egg. I’m tense. I ate too much before bed.

It’s a circus. It’s so messy and tumultuous. So much of my life has zoomed by while I was struggling to find balance. I grew up late and have struggled to catch up for so many years, making dumb mistakes and hurting myself. I’ve been so disorganized and sad for so long.

I’m not sure what this insight is yet… my brain actually needs sleep, even though it’s trying to act like it doesn’t… putting a pin in this…

Poetry?

Self sabotage. 

“How is your eating?” 

It’s not for necessity; 

it’s for morbid curiosity. 

How do I measure up? 

My heart is on my sleeve 

and it’s bleeding. 

It’s needing.

I try to fill the void. 

There are too many. 

Each hole of grief a specific shape. 

Mother, daughter, son, husband. 

Themes throughout history

of hurt and sadness. 

Push into the bite. 

Bite into the pain. 

Fill your mouth with trivial things. 

Make your insides twist inside out.

Blowing smog and popping poison. 

Compulsively craving connection. 

Terrified by the thoughts of others. 

All I ever really wanted

was just to fit in. 

Happy fucking New Year to any lonely bitches that read this garbage. Keep fighting. 

Tangential

Even pleasant interaction is a blow to my self esteem. I am fat. I need to be less fat. I don’t have a plan. I just want to fucking lose weight and starve and jog 4 miles every morning and worry about every bite that crosses my lips. I want skinny jeans and sweaters and stilettos that feel good to wear. 

Play me the song you wrote for some other girl.

Let’s fall in love for one night. 

I want to drink. 

My mother

Ways that I am like my mother:

• Unused exercise equipment. 
• Snacking in bed in secret. 
• Sneaking into the kitchen when no one’s around. 
• Sweaty and smelly. 
• Ugly clothes. 
• No makeup. 
• Inconsistent hygiene. 
• Laying around too much. 
• Eating garbage. 
• Ugly nails and toenails.

I fucking hate myself. I truly need to get it together. It’s been too long being like this. I agreed with myself moderation in this month and then time to kick ass. 

I need my child to sleep.