Broken.

I feel sad. Lonely. Tired. I don’t feel capable or lovable. I am dreading my return to work. I am afraid of it. I am questioning all of my life decisions and hating myself. I am missing the past. I am longing for escape and to avoid pain. I feel pity for those who think me capable. 

Will there ever come a point in my life when I’m happy? Or will I always choose a path with drama, hurt, depression, sadness, and anger? Is that what makes my life this way? 

Am I just broken? And will I always be? How do you fix yourself?

Rambler

Today was perfect. My stomach is so empty right now and my head so full of endorphins. I wish my surgery scar wasn’t itching and my bellybutton wasn’t scaring me, but I feel really relaxed. It was a perfect beach day aside from kids getting sunburned... 

I have eaten well for several days now. I need to keep it up. 

I finally wrote and mailed the letter. Mother’s Day is the only thing to determine now... idk wtf. I’ve never cut someone off before that I felt like I needed to un-cut til now. 

Nighty night.  

I need to lose like 100lbs

This weekends planned eats:

Friday:

Breakfast:  

3 egg whites - 45

Single - 50

Salsa & veggies -30

Half English muffin - 60

Sugar free blackberry jam - 10

Total: 195

Lunch: 

Tuna with onion, relish, lite Mayo - 150

Lettuce and tomato - 40

Rice cake - 45

Total: 235

Dinner: 

Sweet potato - 120

Asparagus - 50

Chicken thigh - 130

Total: 300

Dessert: 

Fudge pop or pudding - 100

Day Total: 830

Saturday - beach day:

Breakfast:

Watermelon - 85 cals

Coffee protein drink -160

Total: 245

Lunch:

Turkey sandwich (no cheese) - 200

Apples and caramel - 60

Carrots and ranch - 60

Total: 320

Dinner:

Salad mix - 30

Chicken breast - 100

Dressing - 45

Bleu cheese - 50 

Almonds - 50

Total: 275

Day total: 840

Bring rice cakes to beach if munchies happen... can have a fudge pop or pudding if desperate, and if you don’t fuck this up...

Sunday:

Breakfast:  

3 egg whites - 45

Single - 50

Salsa & veggies -30

Total: 125

Lunch - salad or sandwich or tuna @ 250

Dinner:

Pork ribs (2lg) - 300

Grilled zucchini w/evo - 100

Sautéed cabbage - 25

Total: 425

Dessert:

Pudding - 70

Day total: 870

I can do this... I did more than this before. I need to get my eating disorder under control, and there’s only one way to do that. I need to get myself back to control. Ana, please let me channel you... 

In other news, I am sad about Covid. We all are. But damn, son. I never wanted to live in the end times. Probably why I’m so suicidal all the time lately. 

I don’t think I want another baby. 

Jumble

I cannot stop binging and purging... how do I again?

I need to smoking weed, stop taking benzos, stay on my diet... I’ve been losing weight. 6lbs in a week while I’ve been on bed rest. It’s great but holy fucking shit do I have a long way to go. Physically and mentally so far to go. Miles and miles before I rest. My mom loves Robert Frost... I wonder how she is these days... I should resolve that before Mother’s Day. But I don’t want to. 

I need to decide. A lot of things... Or maybe I don’t. Maybe fate will decide. I need to decide if I will late fate decide. I don’t want another baby. Or do I? I need to decide... I need to decide about Hailey. About my parents. About my husband. I need to decide what I want my life to look like. Why does no one tell you that you never get to stop doing that once you start?? It’s not just at 18... it’s endless and exhausting. I’m tired of all the decisions. 

I need real friends. I need a body I don’t hate. I need medication. I need to take better care of myself. I need my husband to get healthier. I need a new job. I need to take better care of my kids. 

Do I deserve to eat before bed? Do I deserve to digest something today?

I hate people. Except artists. Artists I envy. Why can’t I ever be as cool as I wish I was? Why am I so scared to be whatever the fuck I want to be? Who bred that fear into me, and how the fuck do I get rid of it?? 

Tomorrow we make an anklet for a good person. 

Fuck it.

My surgery is over. I’ve lost 5lbs in 3 days. I’m tired. I’m depressed. I’m fucking bored. I’ve been binging and purging daily. Idk why I can’t stop. Everything overwhelms me and makes me feel awful. All I do is sleep and cry. My thoughts race and I have to take Xanax to feel calm. I have googled suicide 3 times today. 

The husband and I had a 5am argument. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. I meant it. I’m tired of being abused. I’m tired of his mental health making mine garbage. I’m tired of this endless cycle with him where I’m told how awful I am. I already feel that way and don’t need the echo. 

I hate all my fucking friends. Because I have none. 

I’m alone in the world aside from my child - even my step kids don’t fucking listen or care. They’re too gone. My husband is too gone. 

At this point my fantasy is a home close to nature with no one else around. Just me and baby boy and no one else. I don’t care if he’s autistic even if everyone else seems to have issues with it. I just want to work my job and feed my body in moderation and clean my house and make art. That it all I want and I’m sick of all these motherfuckers in the world preventing that from happening. I want to save money and accomplish that. 

I don’t know what I thought surgery would fix. It’s not fixing me. It fixed some issues preventing me from fixing me, but I need to fix me and I don’t even know where to start. I want meds. I don’t want to have another baby. I want a better body and to feel ok in it. I want to lose weight and never feel this way again. I want a husband who isn’t so broken or to not have one at all. I don’t need people. I just need work and money and to be left alone. I can have fun by myself and prefer it that way. 

So how long do I wait? When is the date and time and place to pull the plug? I feel change coming. I am going to regain myself. I am going to do what I need to to take care of myself and my child and fuck the rest of the world. 

Barely hanging on

Nothing is new. Depression is still here, shocking I know. 

My husband sucks. He’s a rude insensitive selfish asshole who tempts me to seek attention elsewhere. He fucking sucks, and I think after surgery I need to think some things through. I need an ally in life and not just another responsibility all the fucking time. 

My college friends are pieces of shit. They will never include me properly, and I literally don’t even like any of them but I’ve given them too much of my energy for far too long. I am officially done with them at this point. 

I don’t know how to make friends. I want to be picky. I want to have a social life. I’m tired of Covid. I’m tired of my husband. I’m tired of friends who either don’t know me and expect me to be strong or have expectations for me that aren’t me. I don’t want to live up to them anymore. I just want to be messy and flawed and that be ok. I want someone to fucking vent to. 

This summer will be a major test on my life. 

Hating me

I have general self-loathing and no energy. My body hurts all over.

I am so fucking depressed I could just die. I wish I would. Nothing makes me happy lately except sitting on my couch with my baby. That’s all I want to do. I want to wear raggedy ass pajamas and lay on my couch under a blanket with my space heater on and not move. I want to kiss him and feel his soft hair and smell him and nap when he naps and play and do nothing at all. I want to watch tv and play on my phone and take hot showers and eat junk food and shop online not do fucking anything productive. But my life doesn’t get to look like that. I don’t get those days unless I steal them from someone else and cause them to suffer in my place  

Sometimes, when I’m talking to someone else and giving them a pep talk, I will feel a glimmer of hope. But it’s so fleeting lately. It’s like when you wake from a dream and you can’t quite remember what you were just doing. Or like when you try to think of a specific word and the wrong one keeps coming to mind. That’s how I feel - like I should be able to grasp onto some kind of happiness. But I just can’t. It’s right there but out of my reach.

I really thought that my lack of physical activity and fitness was making me as bad as I am, but even when I am active, I still feel like shit. Yeah, my diet contributes. I’m not going to pretend that my binge days are not affecting my mood. And last week I purged way more than I’m even going to acknowledge right now. But I’ve taken a walk daily even though I felt like I was dragging feet made of stone. I’ve cleaned my house even though I feel the urge to stop and sit every 2.5 minutes. I’ve had sex with my husband even when I felt zero sexual urges. I’m doing all the things and I still can’t feel better. I know my health is a huge issue that I need to resolve.

I need meds. My brain tell me every single moment that everyone hates me. My husband, kids, everyone. I'm ugly. I'm stupid. My job sucks. My health sucks. I'm worried about my baby. I feel like all I do is fuck up, and I don't know what to do to stop doing that. I try to cope, and I have panic attacks. I try to breathe, and I feel suffocated. 

I have so much to do, and I don't want to do any of it. And I feel insecure about my new hair...