Fantasies

My anxiety has me fucked tonight and throwing up ice cream alone.

I want to hide. I want to run away. I want to get wasted. I want to stop eating. I want to quit my job. I want to hook up with a random. I want to drop off the planet for a couple days. I want to spend a my money. I want to stay up all night doing blow. I want to be so fucked up that I don’t care. That I feel pretty. I want to stop caring. I want to stop feeling. I want to be alone but never lonely. I want to be free.

Fantasies are so much better than reality.

Husband rant

Whenever I come to this space, I am shocked at how many views my posts have.

It makes me feel less alone in a world that I actually feel very alone in... If you read this, know that you are not alone. My heart is heavy, and I know how that sadness you are feeling also feels. I’m sending all I have within me out into the universe hoping all of you have those small moments that somehow manage to keep you alive.

Lately those small moments have been almost impossible for me to grasp onto. I have been very depressed and extremely anxious almost every day. I went to the doctor and she prescribed me Xanax and Zoloft. The magical American cocktail. But the Zoloft had terrible side effects and the Xanax was consumed primarily by my husband. So I’m untreated to the point I need to be.

My only highlight is baby lately, and even that’s overly stressful some days.

My husband and I are not doing fantastic. I’m trying not to be resentful lately, but that’s a difficult task. I had my baby and am back to work full time. He quit one job and was laid off from the other in the same week. He has been unemployed for three months now, and he’s not working that hard to fix it. He’s been a mess. His anxiety is through the roof, he blows up over small things, and he’s extremely difficult to live with. I’m trying to be understanding of his mental health, and not berate him too much, but I’m so TIRED of working and worrying while he gets to be home with the baby I fought so hard to make healthy and ruined by body to have. He constantly freaks out about money and nags me about every dollar I spend when I’m the only one making anything. It’s completely not fair, and I hate it. I’m trying not to hate him and to realize this is just a phase, but I need him to find some inner strength and stop being such an anal prick about stupid things and then somehow complacent over major things. Lately I find it hard to care about his feelings because they’re just ALWAYS hurt or negative in some way, and I don’t have the energy to determine what’s a valid complaint and what’s him just wallowing in self-pity.

So here I sit legitimately needing the Xanax for my new phase of panic attacks, but he basically relapsed and was stealing all of them from me non stop, so I’m basically out. I had 180 pills prescribed to me in October, which would have lasted me months, and he ate ALL of them unsavory 8 weeks aside from a few that I hid. It’s hasn’t been long enough to warrant going to a doctor for a refill. It’s too soon, and I know they wouldn’t because I can’t explain why I don’t have any left. I have about 4 pills that I have been stretching to make last. It’s not enough, so most days I just sit through my panic attacks angry at him and wanting to run away from my entire life.

We are so poor it’s disgusting. Somehow things keep happening to finically take care of us, but every month we’ve been short about $600, and our plan to move out of this shitty house and town is our off indefinitely. The baby is getting to the point where he needs his own room, but we don’t have the space. The credit card was just paid off via a personal loan that I have to start paying back, but it’s now back up to nearly 3 grand. I thought our tax return would cover it, but because my husband’s two fucking jobs both didn’t take out taxes properly, he owed almost 3 grand this year. Even though I told him about fifty times while he was working there that he needed to handle it and this would happen.  Basically the baby bonus on taxes was null and void, and the money we’re getting back won’t even cover all of the credit card debt. And there’s no end to using it in sight because he doesn’t have a fucking job. I am about to have to get tough, and I don’t want to have to do that... I don’t want to be like “don’t come home until you have a job” but I’m almost to that breaking point. I’m about to get to the point with him that I was at with the ex, and as much as I am understanding of his issues, they need to be fixed.

I hate my job lately. My husband tells me every fight we get into that I can’t possbly be good at it because I’m so crazy, so it makes it that much harder to get up and go to work every day. My boss is terrible, my workload is staggeringly large, and my coworkers are pieces or shit who constantly slack off. I am starting to loathe it and doing things like leaving early and calling out. I already called out for tomorrow because I’m legitimately SO sick today. I have had a fever and stomach ache and a terrible cold for almost 3 weeks and I feel worse instead of better, so I’m going to the doctor tomorrow. Not that I can afford it.

I came home today and there was no dinner, dirty house, and he’s spending his energy making a grow box for weed. I am about to start hating him.

I’m back on the Ana kick. I’ve missed her. She’s always there for me, and I need to remember that. I almost broke today and ate a snack cake, but as soon as I took the first little bite, the neighbors dog started howling, baby woke up, his pacifier slipped and got stuck sideways in his mouth and he started screaming. I told my husband to run into our room which he didn’t do well and got an attitude with me, and I got one back. I took my things and went to the bedroom leaving the snack cake in the living room. He tried to give it to me when I went back out to get cough drops, and I closed the door in his face.

I don’t want to hate him. But it’s getting harder every moment.

Chevy and Bird

I dream about Bird and look up Chevy online.

Seeing their faces makes my heart stop for a moment. It hammers to a halt as I try to gasp for air. I blink in stunned silence and then suddenly feel very heavy. My breathe escapes my body, replaced by sadness that is overwhelming for a brief moment.

Chevy. Oh, Chevy. He looks exactly the same, and I can tell his life is almost no different than it was when he refused to let me be a part of it any longer. I miss the closeness we shared. I truly did love him... I meat it when I drunkenly slipped it in at the end of that evening when I left the village, temporarily in person, but forever in spirit. I know he knew it as well, and longed to hear it by the look on his face as the words left my mouth. He wanted it, but it also stung. There are so many moments I feel I missed with him. I wanted him to stop me. To scream at me “don’t marry him-I love you. I want to be with you and only you.” But instead he never tried anything, pursued another with a similar situation, and told me “our timing was off.” I was too young and naive and scared to try myself. I know I will wonder my entire life why he didn’t make me his. I know we both wanted it. And then, when I tried to return, it truly was too late. I guess some things aren’t meant to be is the only real answer I have to a million unanswered questions - the main one being “when will I finally get over this?” I don’t know if I’ll ever stop replaying that morning in the walk-in and how either he or I could have changed our entire lives right then and there.

I miss Bird, as well. It’s different, but true. I miss our friendship; we told each other everything. It’s sad that 3 years of whatever that was could have been tossed away in an evening. And while he may have judged me and my choices harshly and to a standard I wouldn’t want to be held to, and been quite a terrible person on occasion who’s lifestyle was (and I’m sure still is) in shambles, there is a part of him I truly, genuinely miss. He had a soft spot for me. The night he told me I was an idiot, his voice was not full of contempt, but of concern. He wanted more for me, and was angry with me for not getting it myself - for being too emotional. He didn’t like emotion. And that’s what tore us apart in the end... I wonder how many times he tried before he gave up, or if he even did... I wonder why I didn’t seek him out that one last time like I knew I could. I’m left with immense wonder about him. I hope he’s happy. Genuinely happy. I fear he has too many blind spots to ever have a truly fulfilling life, and I have always wondered what exactly he is running from with the life he lives. He is terrified of substance and of letting himself feel sad or lonely. That’s an exhausting way to live your life.

Baby post to come soon. I’m still recovering in many ways and adjusting. Not ready to write yet.

Black sheep

I want to be the

Blackest

Of sheep. 

The forgotten one. 

The one no one

Expects

Anything from.
The one on
The outskirts
Of all obligation
And social norms.
I want to be
Left alone
Even by
Those who should
Pursue me. 

I want to be thought of

In dreamy stillness
As sleep

Rushes in. 

In a moment of

Wonder

Whatever happened to her?

I want to be searched for

In the pages

Of society 

And not found. 

I want those who

Happen upon me,

To revel

In the small details

I disclose. 

I want them to run

Back to the others

And inform them 

Of how amazing I looked,

And how successful I seem. 

And then I want to

Go back

To my humble home

With my small family 

And pretend the outside world

Is not there. 

Overwhelmed mode

I’ve caught a terrible cold. And being pregnant, there’s almost nothing I can take for it. I feel so completely and utterly miserable. I’m draining my PTO taking off Friday and Monday and don’t even care. It’s worsening my depression. My emotions are out of contol. I’m mean, and I know I am, but having even a single conversation overwhelms me to the point where I want every person on the planet to just leave me alone.

I’m tired of my life right now.

Going back to Oville to see everyone was nice, and a lovely visit, but at the same time, I’m homesick. I loved it there. I miss living there. I hate the fucking town we’re in. I’ve always hated it. And I know it’s short-lived, and we’re suppsed to move in December, but I am beyond tired of it here. I dislike every element of this place, and I know the next town isn’t going to be THAT much better for two years. I just keep my eyes on the horizon that we will be buying a house once hubby is done with school and make an effort to support him at much as I can in that. But the prospect of it all drains me.

My job is annoying. I am not particularly enjoying my current small caseload, and the transition to summer has been rough. They’re also making a lot of departmental changes that are terribly unreasonable to me, and I don’t love it at this moment. I’m trying not to think about it super long-term at the moment, because I know my maternity leave is a mere 3 months away and then who knows what I’ll return to in January. I told myself if I started to hate it, I would take appropriate steps, but I’m not there yet. I have just been doing the bare minimum and trying to balance how I feel and what I need to be doing. Some days I don’t think I’m doing things well, but I also think that sometimes it just needs to be good enough.

My parents and I are still not speaking, and if I’m honest, I prefer this. It’s sad but true. They add so much additional stress to my life that hasn’t been there. I’ve done a lot of reflecting and reading through this current ordeal, and I don’t have any doubt that they were emotionally abusive and sometimes still are. They made a commitment not to abuse my brother and I and to stop that cycle in the family, and while there were few instances of physical abuse in my childhood home (though there were still a few) the way they treated us was definitely not healthy. The sad part is, I think they thought it was. They did their best, I guess, but a huge part of me is resentful that they didn’t change things or seek help and just let their shit fuck us up in some ways. They decided to break the cycle on their own and didn’t do a good job of that. They should have sought counseling or help outside of just each other. There were so many things in my childhood that I now know were so very wrong. It makes me terrified that I’ll be that way with my children. I know the situation needs resolution eventually, but every time I think about it, I don’t know what to do, so I just leave it. I have too many other things going on to manage currently.

It’s hard with my stepkids right now. It’s always been hard with them, because I have to hold them at arms length. They’re not mine, and they never will be. We have a decent blended family, but it’s not what I want, or what I would choose, and I make the best of it, but I see things I don’t like, and I’m powerless to influence. They’re not being raised properly, and I see the symptoms and results of that every time I spend time with them. There are things about their behavior that I absolutely hate, but my comments do nothing to adjust it when they’re being fed the opposite at home. It’s hard for me to have patience. Lately, I have none, and I know that. Pregnancy is draining my niceness. Or maybe just life is... I’m glad they’re older and can manage some things on their own, but they also resist that. They demand to be spoiled and try to manipulate things if they’re not. I see it and am powerless to stop it, except to make sure I don’t always give in. My husband’s reaction is bad sometimes. He says things that are inappropriate out of frustration, and I say things to him, but I really worry that he is going to be too much like my parents. He’s not abusive, but kind of...  he doesn’t mean the way things come out, but he was abused also...

Lately he is the only thing keeping me sane, and the past few days with me being sick has been beyond rough. He does not handle me being ill very well. He’s used to me doing the shopping, cooking, maintaining of things, and that didn’t happen this weekend. I tried to help, but I’m a mess. It strains us and him, and I can’t do much about it except fix things once I feel better.

My anxiety has been through the roof, and it’s stopping me from all the new baby things I really need to be doing... I need to plan my baby shower, find a pediatrician, read my baby book... and take my exam. I have a running to do list that just gets longer while life throws a bunch of other shit at me.

I think I need to talk to someone. I have a whole trimester left and I don’t feel like I’m managing well.

Parental insanity

I knew the parent thing would come to a head. I just didn’t know when.

Mom called me because today’s her birthday, like I’m supposed to be jumping at the chance to spend time with her. That’s not currently possible, considering my husband still feels she owes him an apology, and I agree and am still annoyed with the entire situation and her behavior. And I’m not going to spend time with her and leave him behind. She doesn’t get the option of just having me and rejecting him. I married him, and I’m choosing to give him the same support I would expect him to give me if this situation were reversed. I stated my opinions, and she somehow turned it on him again-how the whole situation was his fault when I am the one who is stating my own feelings, and he wasn’t even there.

She infuriates me. She acts like she has the right to run around the universe spewing her garbage on everyone and they are supposed to apologize to her. Like she doesn’t ever do anything wrong, and when she does, she doesn’t apologize. She makes excuses and plays the victim and then acts like other people should come to her to fix things. Like everything is justified. She doesn’t take responsibility for her own actions ever.

And my dad goes along with this to the point of insanity... Just because he’s choosing to live his life trying to bend over backwards to keep her content all the time doesn’t mean the rest of the world is, and he defends her like a watchdog, even when she’s wrong.  It’s sickening, and unfair how he enables her and coddles her. I’ve seen it my whole life, and I don’t understand it. When we were children, we were forced to operate that way also, but now I’m an adult, and I refuse to operate that way anymore. They act like she is the one person in the world that should never be upset, and that is the priority, even when she’s the reason others are upset.

I would never let other people treat myself or my husband like I have let her treat us, and she will literally say she “needs forgiveness” and things about how “family means you forgive” and such, but where do you draw the line?? If I would cut off other people who act like her, and HAVE, then why would I let her stay in such a big role in my life? Even if you can see where someone else is to blame, you should always still apologize for your actions in conflict, and she never does. And even when someone else apologizes, she doesn’t graciously accept it and forgive. She harbors unforgiveness and uses it as ammunition. But somehow, she is blind to this. At some point in life, healthy people stop looking for who’s to blame and just allow mistakes to be that. She has never done this. It’s petty in every situation, and she acts like people owe her things that they do not.

I am so glad I have a different perspective on life than what I grew up in. And as crappy as it was that it became like this in our relationship, I’m glad that living with them opened my eyes to some things that I had somehow forgotten about.. I didn’t know just how dysfunctional they are until then. Or maybe I knew, but I had done so much of my own personal work on these matters that I just forgot. I kind of never questioned where my origicial issues stemmed from too much and just worked on them, forgetting that the origin of them was probably not resolved. Now I see they are definitely not resolved.

I just wish she would gain some perspective or empathy or something. It’s terribly difficult and annoying to deal with her, and I don’t really want to anymore. I don’t think space will fix any of this either, unfortunately... but for now that’s my choice.

That’s too much, man

I’m exhausted. I cannot catch my breath or a break.

My parents are psycho. And unfortunately, I’m too tired of dealing with it to the point where I don’t care if they’re in my life or not. It’s sad but true. Right now I’m just letting there be distance. I don’t know what else to do. They’re so insanely mean to my husband-he doesn’t deserve it. And somehow they don’t understand that’s going to affect how I feel about them. They owe him a massive apology that I fear he will never get. He doesn’t want them around until he gets it, and I don’t know how to handle it at this time because I honestly think they don’t realize how in the wrong they are. I’m so stuck in the middle it’s terrible.

My cat is missing. And I’m extremely anxious about it. We left for two days and when we got home, she was nowhere to be found. It’s been days. I put up flyers and posted her online. I want her back. Yesterday the hubby and I both cried about it. I get sidetracked with worry that I can’t shake, have fits of crying, and can’t sleep because I think about her and cry. The first night I sat on the back steps sobbing at 1am. I’ve been trying to hide it from the hubby, but I’ve had several breakdowns.

My job is stressful, but I’ve just stopped caring. I have a short timers mentality right now because of how far along my pregnancy is. I know there’s more I could do, but I don’t feel the need to rush it or push too hard. I’m just handling things one week at a time and waiting to see how summer plays out. I know I don’t want to be there forever, but it’s a great job for this area, so I need to maintain until I’m licensed and the hubs is out of school and we can move.

Financially we’re struggling a bit, and the hubby just found out that one of his jobs might be gone for about 2 months over the summer. It’s about $800 of our monthly income which we can’t afford to live without. We’re trying to save for my unpaid 12 week maternity leave and it’s racking up our credit card too crazy high. The number is about $3,000 more than I’m comfortable with. Recently  there have just been a couple things where I charged stuff rather than go without. Once he gets financial aid, we’ll be more managed, but we have to stop spending so much. We went on a couple trips we couldn’t really afford and shouldn’t have because now the fucking cat is gone...  It’s out of hand because of doctor bills and trying to save, but I need to stop charging anything at all. If hubby knew the amount, he would freak out at me. I think it’s been my way of coping a bit. Not good tho...

My pregnancy has been rough this month in addition to all this... My hip hurts insanely badly. I think I’m having SPD, and I need to talk to my doctor about it at my next appointment.  My body is always sore. And I still can’t stop throwing up frequently. I have days where that’s all I do. I feel like my mind is clearer lately, but I’m also stressed and emotional. It’s a fucking rollercoaster that I don’t want to be on anymore.

I hate everything right now. I just want the world to stop so I can get off. I need my husband around more. I need sleep. I need my cat back. I need money. I need relief.

Tuesday I took the day off work because I was so depressed. I was too depressed to be anything to anyone or even leave the house. I literally stayed in bed all day. I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t even feed the stepkids an actual lunch. I yelled out my bedroom door that they could eat junk food and went back to sleep. They’re old enough to make themselves lunch, but I couldn’t be around anyone. I said I felt sick and holed up and didn’t come out. I didn’t get out of bed really until 5pm. And then I was grumpy, annoyed, and not good to be around. I literally just could not function.

I know it’s worrying the hubby because I’m prego. He’s concerned my terrible mood will affect the baby. I’m worried too and trying to mentally get myself right, but fuck it’s hard right now.

And my weight is creeping up and my belly is growing daily. Everyone tells me I “look so cute” and how I’m having “a belly only pregnancy” but I feel like a whale. I’ve gained the appropriate amount and haven’t a stretch mark in sight but FUCK the number on the scale is triggering. I want it starve myself and feel hungry and not have a baby to worry about. I want my body back. I’m tempted on the daily to switch to diet mode, but I’m trying to just be nice to my body and baby right now... it’s fucking hard. I know I’ll have to gain a bit more, and I’ll be able tuo lose it once the baby is out, so I just keep reminding myself that I only have about 15 weeks left. Even if I gain 15 more pounds, I know what I’m capable of with weight loss. And I know that in the 3 months of maternity leave, I can have most of my baby weight completely gone. My goal is by new year to be where I want to be. I can do it.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent, blogger world. It’s been a rough week. One more workday and it’s time for a rest.