The scale was nice to me this morning. I was shocked. I was hoping for a number like 3 pounds higher than what it said, so it was euphoric. It’s hard how much my weight affects my mood… losing makes me elated, gaining makes me depressed, maintaining makes me apathetic.
The dilemma of leftover pizza in the fridge was resolved. I ate it for lunch. I ate in moderation (honestly it’s literally the lowest calorie pizza that exists…) and I don’t feel fantastic about it, but really trying to be ok with things lately. This will probably put me at about 900 calories again today once I have dinner, but that seems ok…
Maybe… I’m not sold on it… My brain is like “you’ve had 700 calories today and should probably just eat an apple for dinner.” BUT, I’m going to eat some grilled chicken breast and spaghetti squash and try to be ok with that. This shit sucks, but I said two weeks, and I’m really going to do it for two weeks.
I want to throw up the pizza literally right now. I want to cry and crawl into bed and not go back to work today. I want to starve the rest of the day. I want to smoke a ton of weed and take 3 Xanax and drink some Theraflu and pass out. I want to get drunk. I want to disappear.
I hate this body I’m trapped in. I’m trying to be ok with it. I’m trying to evolve it into something I can just be comfortable with. But is that possible?? Will I ever be comfortable in this body?? It’s the problem my body or mind??
Body. Right now, body.
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