Title me

 My new hobby is watching my weight dip on the scale and avoiding food. It’s shocking how easy that is to do rn. Nothing tastes good but also everything does. It’s like the first bite is gross, the next bite is really good, the next bite is moderately good, and then from there it’s like meh. It’s so strange. It makes it easy to take a second when you’re putting something into your mouth to ask yourself like, “What… are you doing??” And then correct. To just stop there. And then a little into eating anything you’re just like completely disinterested in it. Like you forget you were eating or that you were hungry at all. You never feel hungry. It’s shocking how much you don’t - you just absolutely don’t. I can feel that the meds have leveled off well and I’ve adjusted and it’s literally amazing. I bought my second dose just because I don’t want to run out in between dosing rn and since the whole getting fired thing, I just can’t afford to spend on shit like this so it’s a last hurrah. I might as well be miserable and thin instead of just miserable. I would like to be back in the range I’m comfortable with. I’m sitting here thinking about what my ideal weight would be, and I don’t even know. I think when I first met my husband I weighted like 125, and I think I looked really good. He things I looked too thin, but no I looked banging. My arms and legs looked small, and they haven’t in a long time. I want that back while I can still rock it and enjoy it. Literally nothing is going to stop me from it. I was thinking today about the highest weight I got up to, def during covid, and it was like 185 lbs. Like a fucking whale. And rn I weigh 155lbs. I weigh in the middle of my worst and my ideal. I’ve never put my weight on here before. Because my goals and numbers were never as lofty and low as the others’. I knew my body just wasn’t going to do certain things. I could be more petite, but never light. I genuinely have large bone structure - my college health ed teacher marveled at it. I have huge ankles. Like I cannot look frail without looking dead, and the point of all this shit is to look better. Mine was never about hitting some insane number like 99lbs or being able to wrap something around somewhere you shouldn’t be able to. I didn’t even make a thigh gap a goal, though I have eternally longed for one and did have a bit of one at one point. I just wanted to look thin. I wanted people to think of me as a thin person when they envisioned me in their minds. And right now, I know that’s not what people see. And I know I’m dysmorphic af, but I also know that’s true. Rn people probably think of me as plump. 

Like the title of this fucking madness. 

Middle of the night

I miss seducing men. I miss feeling drunk. I miss doing blow. I miss making out. I miss shopping for clothes hoping someone will want to take them off of me that night. I miss feeling hot and desirable. I miss acting reckless and impulsive. I miss meeting new people and trying new things and spending money. 

I’m old now. 

Why is the first step of the plan always “lose weight?” Plan: change life. Step 1: lose weight. Step 2: make money.

I have been losing weights, actually. It feels amazing, and I hope I can truly get down to where I need to be in the course of this. I bought my second bottle today. It’s good shit, bro. I can’t get over how much it’s just turned off certain parts of my brain. It’s shocking. 

I’m tired now. Love you all dearly. 

Gerard thoughts

I never give enough credit to how much I loved Gerard. 

I think because that’s not what we called it - we were best friends. He dated Suz. I was best friends with her. I dated husband. But before I dated husband, before I was talking to him, before Suz and I got together, before Suz and him started dating, it was me and him. And he was my best friend. 

I told him everything. I loved being close to him. It never felt unsafe. Ever. He always made me feel genuinely protected, and he had a big insecure heart that I loved. He was messy, but generous. And genuine with me. He tried to make me laugh. He called me out. He tried to make me feel special, but grounded me. 

I didn’t like that part. I didn’t like when he made me grasp onto reality. I liked when he inflated me like Bird. And when he saw the new fucked up side of me as I descended into my 5 year phase of chaos, he didn’t like watching it. Because he knew me balanced. And I eventually got back to balanced, but he wouldn’t make it that far with me. 

I could have been with him. I know that. He had enough love and patience and drive to make it work if he had had a partner. And we worked well together. If I had taken him and molded him, we would have both been happy. But I had just molded fruitlessly for so long, I didn’t want to anymore. And the wisdom of age was not present with me at that juncture of my life. 

I didn’t know the difference between the loving men and the others yet. My husband and several others have shown me there are deeply loving men in the world. Valiant and strong and courageous and emotional. Maybe messy, but filled with love. And some have shown me the other side. And I know Gerard was a very loving man. He would have loved me well, and we would have been happy. Maybe not as exciting, but more stable than what I ended up with. 

And he was such a good kisser. 

He loved me too much to watch me do all the things I was doing. My boyfriend was threatened by him and pushing him out. He knew he couldn’t stay and not say things. So, he left me. And then we closed forever. And my access to him was gone forever in a crescendo of chaos. 

I wish he would have met me for dinner that night. 

I don't know if I believe that he got a flat. I don’t know what would have become of it if we had gone. I recall that going into it, I was telling myself I didn’t want to sleep with him. I really didn’t. I know it wouldn’t have been good - he’s a guy you train; not one that has it figured out from the start. Plus, I was already regularly fucking with 2 guys and had a sprinkle in there of others. I didn’t need anything out of the night. 

I wish life allowed us to have moments with people. There should be a frozen day once a year for each person where we can see someone from our past again without consequence. Just to see what they’re like now. To say things. To enjoy a day as friends again. To reminisce. 

Who would I pick? Gerard first. Bogart next. Chevy. Probably Adam, if I’m honest. Same for Bird. And Ry, even though I would probably feel a little pathetic for it. But it would be amazing to reminisce with him. He was there for so many of the happy parts of my childhood. 

Pass on my actual exes. I don’t think either of them loved me. 

 

Gonna go figure out my real life now. 

Yet again

I got fired. I have to move by the 22nd. All is lost. 

I hope there is a greater more divine plan than this moment. I need a different life. 

Mini events in my pathetic life

June 11 was the worst flare up of my life. I’m not even really sure why, but I literally had to go to work, and I literally never felt so bad. I cried like 3 times throughout the day. I squatted in front of my space heater wrapped in a blanket smoking my thc pen and crying. I napped for an hour when I had no meetings. Basically everyone kept every meeting scheduled all day, so I couldn’t even hole up like I wanted to. I have never actually gone to work when I felt that badly before. 

The husband is annoying sometimes. That’s all on that.

We’re moving. I called my daddy and cried, and he’s going to help me to do it. I told him I can’t take this level of housing insecurity any longer - it’s been 4 years. He told me he would do anything I needed and that he has the resources. Now I just need to pack the house and find a place. I found a couple places I like, and I hope they work out. 

The first week I did wegovy, I lost 7lbs. The second, I lost zerooooo. And it’s not because I’m not restricting - it’s so fucking easy to do so, actually… I’ve hit the weight where I have literally always plateaued for 6 straight years. This is a place I could have gotten to by myself, so let’s see if it actually helps like it’s supposed to. Today I did double the dose I did last week. Last week around day 5 I felt hunger a little more. I still managed to do well with eating, but the urges were there. It’s just when I go to eat something, my body is like “no,” even if my brain is like “delish.” Like nothing tastes good. Not that it tastes bad or even bland - just doesn’t taste good. It’s hard to explain but a nice experience. Plus on days when I’m legit too busy to eat lunch (today), I don’t just obsess about food until I binge on something. 

Let’s hope it helps

I came here to blog myself to sleep

Today was a fucking day, bro. Today would have been my mom’s birthday. 15 minutes til it’s over, but I’ve managed to dodge it internally most of the day. 

I realized yesterday that my reports at work were a little behind. I mentioned this to my boss in passing and began fixing the issue without like any huge sense of urgency. Then today at work I had a 2pm meeting that was canceled and not another one til 3. So I thought I would smoke and watch a show. So I smoked, and then my boss messaged me AND called me. She called to say she fucked something up (honestly worked out better for me in reality), and to say that my boss boss wants me to let her know when I get my reports in so that she can run my numbers again. So I was like fuck, now I HAVE to spend this hour doing those instead of anything else, because I had no valid reason to be doing anything else, and it’s not like they don’t know that and can’t check.

And I just kept finding errors and missing reports,

Idk why both bosses adore me so much - it feels like everyone there but esp the most senior employee. Which is insane. 

Today sucks

I literally was not hungry at all yesterday… I had a protein shake and then for dinner a sweet potato, chicken sausage, and spinach and a kombucha. That’s it. And I didn’t want anything more… my blood sugar doesn’t crash and make me want to die. I just feel like the chatter in my brain is gone and my hunger signals are weak. My worst side effects are supposed to be today. So far so good. 

I’m in a foul ass mood tho. I want to get in my car and drive home. My bank account is overdrawn like half my rent amount and I can’t get my paycheck until several days from now worst case scenario and tomorrow best case. Idk what I can even do except just watch it all play out… what’s the worse case? We get evicted? I’d just use it as a chance to get the big one out my house… 

Middle child does not want to come back. You can tell. He would love to come back to this school, but not this house, which is a huge relief. 

Idk man I got nothing today. I just want to be asleep. I came to work - that’s all I’m capable of tbh. 

Beach bummed

I’m at the beach. It’s always been such a conflicting place for me… I love the beach, but truly dislike the headspace it puts me in. 

There are too many people to analyze. I just size up every human body I see at the beach. And wonder about people. Do other people scan every human at the beach and assess weight and shape and think about what their habits are to look like that?? A thin girl with a BBL eats 3 bites of a sandwich and stops and I analyze. A girl looking normal sized with tons of cellulite makes me wonder is she even works out. A chunky girl with tons of cellulite makes me wonder if she eats mac and cheese on her couch watching Netflix every night. I see thin children with thin moms and wish my mom had raised me like that. I see an impossible skinny girl and wonder if she’s sad.  I see a girl with a perfect natural body and a skimpy suit and wonder if she realizes how hot she is - you’d have to to wear that, right? 

I have to work very hard at the beach to enjoy the BEACH and not get sucked into too many moments like that or for too long. It involves a lot of not looking past the 3 feet around me. 

I feel extremely uncomfortable in my own skin lately. I feel like I’m running out of vices, and nothing gives me pleasure anymore, so I’m just anxious and bored every moment and feel really confused about how to delegate my time and energy to be more successful or to feel better. When I try to relax lately, I have to really search hard for something that actually relaxes me. If I’m not already tucked into a show or a game on my phone that I’m looking forward to going back to, it’s very hard to find something that is ok. So many things upset me. I’m already at such a baseline level of anxiety that I can’t watch “Slumdog Millionaire” without having a panic attach the first 5 mins. I find my mind trying to piece the story of the movie together too quickly instead of being able to just go on the journey of the movie. I can’t watch horror or conflict or overly sexual things or things with actresses I don’t like or things that depict a life I’m jealous of. 

I’m trying not to smoke flower rn unless I’m real angry or really panicked. I got two carts of oil and have been using my pen as a little bit of a prn relaxation. I’ve just been keeping it on my person at all times and hitting it when I need it. Which I admit probably isn’t the best, especially because I’m taking it to work which is a fireable offense, but it’s needed when it’s needed.  It helps me to actually go the fuck to work, so I’m letting myself have it at work. 

The wegovy feels like morning sickness thus far. It’s manageable. I made a kit of everything I might need to handle every kind of gastrointestinal issue that could potentially arise and upper respiratory meds, because sometimes colds or allergies make me feel nauseated at a baseline, so it’s likely I’ll need them.

I took before photos. I’m sure if you scoured this blog you could find at least one other post where I’ve done this which clearly didn’t work out. I’m trying so hard to be hopeful and optimistic. 

Kids are all coming in from the water. 

Bad day

I’ve struggled today. I had a braindead day at work, got Burger King (NEVER again…), and came home and injected wegovy. I freaked out more than I thought I would, and then it was easier than I thought it would be. 

During this process, I was standing there holding a needle against my skin, feeling completely panicked, and thinking to myself, “how the fuck did we get here?” Like really… Years of fast food and processed shit fed to me by parents with horrible attitudes about food and weight. My mom died of an eating disorder. Of mental health issues. Both of which I definitely inherited. And now I’m even more panicked about becoming her. I’m so fucking terrified that I’m willing to literally inject myself with a medication that I paid $200 for and my doctor and I barely spoke about. 

I’ve been fighting the urge to purge like every day this week. My stomach is in absolute shambles and I just pumped it full of medication that supposedly normally does that.

What am I even doing? I’m just trying to feel better…

Mom and things

I think I put enough anxiety in the kid about things that he won’t ask. He seems to be tight lipped about some things, and I’m not prying. I’m not trying to parent his ass ever again. I was roasting all of them pretty hard earlier. I made a joke I’m glad he moved out - I don’t think it’ll register, but I think it’ll push him aside just enough. 

It’s so fucking annoying being the smartest person you know. I’ve snapped at my husband like 3 times hard tonight. Because he’s making dumb mistakes and not focusing on what is actually important. I said to him, “How is this not automatically your main priority?!” About something to do with the baby. It made him spiral. He came back later (like ten whole mins later) with a, “It should have been done like THIS,” to which I replied, “Then why didn’t you do it!? That’s not helpful now!” 

I have been relentless tonight. He said I’ve been mean. I said I’ve just been impatient with stupidity and dumb behavior and crap attitudes, and that’s what all of them have displayed in succession this evening. I’ve just been brutally honest - is that really even mean?? I’m over caring… I think I’m honestly trying to make it clear that none of them matter - the baby is my only real priority for the rest of my life… 

I feel like I pieced some things together recently about mothering the baby, and expressed them to my husband, and he was taken aback pretty hard. I think it made him guilty. It should. He’s entitled and needed to realize what my inner world is like. It’s made him more open and observant, and pretty sure he’s been so overwhelmed by all of that input, that he’s been useless. 

Because he has been USELESS. I basically had to flat out tell him twice tonight I will not be writing the grocery list. Like, figure it out - I just cleaned the whole fucking house this weekend to the point where he asked, “why am I noticing how much cleaner it is in here?” Because I’m the goat and you suck ass at life? idk what to tell you. But if I do a portion of your job for you, that does NOT mean I have to do any more of it. Manage your expectations. Then he told me how he was going to spend tomorrow and I swiftly told him he’s got it fucked up and what I actually expect. Just remembered I also snapped at him about his license because HE LET IT EXPIRE. HIS DRIVERS LICENSE.

Like wtf why do I need to run this whole fucking house??? 

Ima start wegovy tomorrow. I got my doctor to prescribe it to me, and I’ve never been more excited. I don’t even have rent paid, but I spent $210 on it. Like fuck itttttt. Idc if they find out later it’s some piece of shit terrible thing we’re all doing - I’m trying to get in on that diet fad phenphen drug wave rn. I remember when I started this blog and was deep into my ED researching weight loss things in general for hours on end and wishing I had been able to do all the drugs in the 80s… like that’s why the 90s were so thin bro. But these things are only for the wealthy. Then they go on clearance and if you can afford THAT price tag, you better buy now, because we all know the FDA will prolly pull it. 

I haven read anything online that’s objective or negative about it - researched a couple things, but only vanity and not health. I’m of course anxious af about side effects, considering I’ve already fucked up my body with a massive eating disorder for so long, but I am not going to let that stop me. I want this body to not fucking suck so badly. I would kill to lose 30lbs easily in 3 months. And my ability to lose weight when tested over the past 5 years has just grown increasingly worse. Meanwhile I know a lady irl who’s damn near 70 who lost like 200lbs on this shit, and you would never guess she has ever heavy - she looks downright frail now. 

I realized today that my mom technically died of an eating disorder. Like she had a heart attack, but she had no issues with her heart her whole life, and it’s not genetic. It was from diabetes. Type 2. From being fat and fucking with diets and crazy shit her whole life with food. That’s what killed her. And I’m not trying to follow in those footsteps. I’ve done better thus far. It’s not been great by any means, but I never got up and high as her. That’s marginally better. And I’m going to handle this now. Before I’m 40. 

When my mom was my age, I was 10. And I remember how much of a mess she was. And it just got worse in that fucking trailer. Year after year. When we went to Maine, I was 13, and she was really heavy. My dad got cancer, and she stayed heavy. My 16th birthday photos, she’s obese. I’m not sure about ages 17 on… I remember very little about those years overall. I have very specific memories, but from age 14-16 is a lot of a blur. The year I was 16, I had mono, so that was blurry also, but different blurry. Not blocked out blurry. The years before feel mentally redacted. I remember a lot about my life outside the house at college. I remember a lot about ages 19 onward, but not about my family. I can’t picture what my mom looked like at my undergrad graduation. 

I can’t believe she’s fucking dead. 

My mom never saw the Grand Canyon. 

She talked about it my whole life. They were going to get a camper and go so many times. But the trip was so long required taking a lot of time off work and the cost of travel and lodging so high, we never went as children. My childhood was spent thinking that surely we would go to the Grand Canyon NEXT summer. And then I realized it was a distant fantasy. Then I thought maybe my parents would go when they didn’t have us at home. But they never did. I went myself. 

Dildo

The middle child is coming to visit. It’s been 6 months since he moved out, and I literally have not missed him. Our entire contact has been like 1 call where I cried, 4 arguments, and him not texting me for my birthday til the middle of the night. 

I’m not looking forward to it. I wish he wouldn’t come if I’m honest. There’s no way for him to enter a space and not try to fill it in every way, and I’m just over it. I don’t have the bandwidth, as the Gen Xers would say. 

 I have no idea if he’s going to ask to move back in or not - there is no possible way for me to even have a hypothesis on that one, because I have had really limited contact with him. But if he asks, I’m literally going to say no. 

I don’t care anymore about all of them - I want to do what’s good for myself and my baby and don’t give a fuck about anyone else. I gave all the patience and chances I had to the child, and I’m done. I’m not taking him in his senior year of high school so he can then just graduate and live off me like his brother is already doing. I’m going to make a life choice for myself and not them. I’ve given those 3 more than what’s appropriate for a step parent. I’ve done a lot for all of them and I can’t anymore. I have to focus on my own life.   

My brain is like 1-my husband will be crushed if MC asks to move in and I say no. 2-am I a bad person if I don’t let the teenager move in?

My largest hope for the next two weeks is for him not to even ask. I’m not going to mentally dig into that pit, because it’s too much. I’m just going to pray to Jesus above in heaven that he doesn’t want to live with us, because I don’t want him to.  

Danger days and this bitch’s visit and all the drama lately. Like just kill me; I’m sick of life. 

Fuck all

It’s danger days, I have barely slept in DAYS, and I’m fucking so broke. 

My irritability mood rating has been basically murderous. And I kept it together for a bit today, but then my fucking stupid husband tipped the scales. 

A man in the course of trying to have it all can ruin a woman’s life. Did you all know that? 

I’m moments away from telling this man I do not want to be with him for years now… on the fence forever. Some may say that it’s entitled of me or bad of me to be with him wondering if I really want to stay. Shouldn’t you just end a relationship if you’re not really super sold on the person? I wonder why he lets me get away with this, and it’s because no one else will have him. Not really. Train Wreck was right back then - nobody wants him. He knows it. His surprise birthday party with all his friends included one friend. The first one he’s like ever had. Because he’s fucking insufferable. 

But I stay because he does what I say. Except he never does things right. And I tell him. And he sees I’m right. And when he points out my flaws, I do gaslight him. He says I do. I do tell him why my flaws are ok and why his aren’t. It’s because mine are covered to everyone else in the entire world, but his are not. I can say something to a stranger at the beach and come away looking like an angel, and he could never. So I get to scold him and use feminism as the silver bullet. I know where to poke him to get what I want. He makes you hurt him a little to get any results. It’s fucking infuriating. He’s weak and pathetic. I’m way smarter than him in all the ways. I’m cooler than him without trying to be. People love me and do not like him. I make more money. He’s mildly more attractive? But he’s not even partnership material so no one I’ll bother, whereas my abilities in life on top of my good qualities make men get in line. 

I have this weird thought that the therapist in my office has a small crush on me. I’m not sure if it’s that I’m picking up on, or if he’s just like this with all people… I can’t decide yet. He comes across as a little anxious but affectionate around me? Like he has hugged me twice or 3 times now. I would rate them as coworker caliber hugs, and I know the environment he grew up in and worked in before is likely a little more touchy, and he’s Hispanic so I’m sure there’s a cultural element also here. But I just notice he stumbles over his words with me when I catch him off guard in some way. It’s weird - like he seems a little anxious but is that maybe inaccurate or maybe…

Idk I’m tired and Xanax is here. Can’t fucking breathe from crying and felt suicidal afffff earlier but here we are. 

Think thin. My doctor sent me wegovy, bitches. Tomorrow we start that journey.