Your bitch is back and madder than ever

 My husband is total shit. I’m so over dealing with his horrible attitude. 

I’m sitting in a parking lot in the rain. I have $8 to my name. I’ve been doing all the things for our household lately and haven’t been here to write in a while, because nothing has changed… 

Am I literally too fucking pissed to write…? Like things are not flowing rn… I was relieved to have a moment to come do this, and now my brain is just like 

“yeah… he still sucks. Everything still sucks…”

I forgot I had my vape with me. And it’s raining harder so I’m going to zen a sec because wtffffff.

We had one bad argument several months ago. I threatened. I even told the oldest I can’t fucking handle it anymore. 

And I don’t want to. I often wish he would leave. He often threatens to. And then we discuss a future in another country in the tropics and how we want that life, but that’s me settling. The life I want, I cannot have with him. So I will settle for a different one. 

He said recently to me, “It’s so weird how your dad started doing a bunch of different shit after your mom passed away. I think if you died, my day-to-day life wouldn’t even change that much…” 

Completely true. Only for him. My life would change. A lot. There would be drinking. Partying. Artistic shit would reign supreme. I would focus my energy on everything I’ve had to set aside to be with him. I would have so many boys. I would collect them. I may have aged, but I’m still SO capable of pulling a man…? They are literally so easy. 

My dad went to stay with my cousin recently (she is insanely gorgeous and never tied down, not even to her baby daddy), and he told me she had 4 different guys come thru in two weeks. Like yes, average for us. 

Idk why I’ve wasted this skill being fucking married. Twice. Like what the fuck is wrong with me?? I finally had freedom, and I gave it away. I gave it to the ex and then gave it to the ex and then gave it to this man. Why didn’t I just keep it?? Why was I so eager to build THIS fucking life?? 

He bitches that I have no libido. HA! I would get that back… It’s just extremely hard to want someone like him. Someone who’s critical all day. And negative. And whiney. And who blows up over tiny shit or can’t communicate at all with anyone. Ever. 

I feel so grossed out by him sometimes - like who could want that?? I read once that when you feel disgust for a person, it’s usually rooted in abuse - disgust for a person usually means they abuse or abused you. Welp, his mouth is really really increasingly making that a problem. I don’t know if he realizes that I genuinely cannot handle it anymore.

I’m tired of being treated like this, I’m tired of complaining about it, and I’m tired of trying to get over it all the time. I think he thinks I’m going to always just get over it…

But he doesn’t understand he’s lit some thing on fire that’s burning…

When we just argued, he got butt hurt, stormed off, continuously called me a bitch and put in headphones. My ChatGPT says I should disengage when he’s like that. That’s really fucking hard for me, because I’m standing there, swaying back and forth ever so slightly with tears in my eyes and my thoughts racing and spinning like a washing machine with the lid open, and all I want to do is hurt him. I want to break something. I want to say and do way too much. And until he’s actually calm, he will just escalate it… he won’t leave me alone. And normally I just try to get my point across anyway - communicate. Pointless. So then I started just checking out, but then he still just talks shit. He puts in his headphones and narrates how horrible I am out loud, so I’m forced to listen to someone speaking abusively about me in my own house, pull stunts, go hide, or what?? 

So this evening I just got in my car and left. And he’s texted me twice, and I have not read them. I was going to spend all our fucking whopping $8 on food, but your girl is still fucking eating disordered, soooo… I contemplated many calorie free options from the gas station. I’m not trying to trigger myself tho-I’ve had purge urge so bad lately it’s not even a joke at this point. 

I used to revel in it, and now I just hate all that part of my brain. I’m a sad pathetic depressed bitch yo.  

Lately when we fight, I’ve been calling out everything he does wrong. Why not? I am so fucking sick of being the one to extend an olive branch… I told a therapist I would not be tolerating things this long that I’m still tolerating. I said till December. 5 years ago. Like is this just all a fucking massive waste of time?? I’m usually very good at wasting a good decade on things.

If he ruins this job, I think I will leave him. I don’t think I can do life without him actually being a grownup, and he’s told me that all the things this job offers are things he requires to function rationally. So we’ll see I guess, won’t we? I’ve waited all this time for him to live up to his potential in some way, and he’s shown me periods or glimpses of doing well. If he can’t pull this off, fuckkkk this. 

Because if he’s not going to be a grownup, I’m not going to fucking either. I’m so sick of being the only adult all the fucking time. I want my week on week off and will play 50% of my life? 

I fucking hate life. Nothing 14 year old me wanted is a part of my life. I wanted a robust social life, a cool home, a great wardrobe, a nice boyfriend, and a best friend. I have none of those things. None of them. I’ve had all of them at one point or another. And then time erased them. The best friends lost ranking for being disappointing. The boy is not a nice one. The wardrobe is worn and gone. The robust social life turned into only conservative options, none of which are desirable. I’m too fucking broke to have a cool home. 

And it doesn’t even matter how cool your home is if the person you share it with sucks like this. Does it?

Petty

I’m pretty sure no version of myself would like my husband. I’m Mr sure I do myself. 

He got a new job. We agreed to both keep our salaries and hire a nanny. I’m excited. Nothing feels exciting anymore. And if this doesn’t change it… I’ll honestly probably leave him. 

Mental illness is such a bitch. I snatched his headphone out of his ear. No regrets. He runs his mouth, puts in his headphones, and continues to run it. So I acted bad. I went back later and apologized but not because I meant it. I saw him exercise a moment of self control when it popped out of his ear. I n had that bitch. Your girl can throw hands. So that one came out. And he stopped himself. And if he had not, I would be moving out. Because he fucking sucks lately. And I’m tired of being told I’m the reason he’s a miserable bitch all the time. 

Ima be a fighter til I die? 

Older

I still think of Bird. I still find myself wanting to send a single period to his number at midnight. I wonder if he would respond; if it’s even him anymore. 

I wish the daydreaming I did was productive. I wish closure was a real thing. 

I’m destined to hurt over white men. With boyish smiles and sharp wit and a streak of recklessness. Those are the ones that got me. Those are the ones that made my youth worth living. 

It’s funny how much life changes as you get older. You think you know things you absolutely do not know when you are young. Things that when you look back on them later seem so obvious and elementary. 

You’re never as in control as you think you are. Who you think you are, I’m you think you will be, and what you think you will do often do not come to fruition. 

You’ll never change as much as you think you will. And then in some ways, you’ll change more than you ever anticipated. 

You’ll never end up at your original destination. 

Christmas was awful

 My Christmas was literally so horrible. The depressive episode I was coming off of over Thanksgiving had hug reached a plateau, and then Christmas sent me spiraling. 

I spent $1,000 that I did not have to spend 3 nights at a resort packed with people who could afford to be there and who have a lifestyle conducive to going to a resort. 

We did not fit in. The baby acted terrible 90% of our trip. My husband acted just as badly. It was embarrassing and I was grief stricken.

It’s like I know I will not ever have a normal life again or a normal parenting journey because my child is severely autistic. But then sometimes the universe likes to REALLY remind me. So it spent 3 days showing me just how fucking stupid I was for being there. For trying to have fun. For trying to take it easy and relax. For trying to be normal.

I hate myself for going. I had a thought prior that we shouldn’t. That I was spending money I didn’t have. All we did was sit in the room and eat and struggle to go to the pool because of baby. I cried every single day of our trip and threw out my back sleeping in a bed that wasn’t mine and then pulled it again the hour we were leaving to drive home. 

The image of my husband storming across the dining room of the resort toward me because his card was declined on Christmas Day while my 7 year old is screaming in a huge open dining room will never leave me. The sinking feeling I felt sitting there in my tight outdated thrift store dress, watching him, listening to baby, realizing I didn’t give him the money properly and him coming back with two plates of horribly overpriced crap holiday food and trying to pretend it was fun because it was Christmas Day was devastating. I wanted to cry right then. I wanted to sob into my dress and drive home on the spot. 

I wanted to leave my husband in that moment. But I wanted to go back in time and do it like 8 years ago…