Brain dumping

My anxiety is terrible today. My heart will start to race, and I don't know why. It's just coming out of nowhere.

Eating has been meh. Weed is gone for rn. One use = one binge. It's not worth it. Weight is unknown, but last number wasn't terrible. Hubby and I are doing ok, aside from money, but that remedy is on the horizon anyway. We've come to terms with living here longer, and I feel good about it all. 

It's the people pleasing... It's bad lately, and it makes me hate myself. I want to lose weight so badly. I want a life with a little less work. 

I think I eternally need more sleep, but my body is so used to the terrible patterns that I can't fix it that easily... Even when toddler sleeps through the night, mommy can't. I wake up at 3am and struggle to fall back asleep, and I'm up at 6:30 for the day... It's so frustrating. My ideal life schedule:

Wake up 6:30am

Work out 7-8am

Shower/Breakfast 8-9am

Start work 9am

Lunch 12-12:30

Work 12:30-4:30pm

Clean house 4:30-5pm

Cook dinner 5-6pm

Eat dinner 6pm.

Clean up dinner, unwind, play with kids, bath and bed time. 

In bed relaxing by 10pm

Asleep by 10:30pm

Issues with this - Baby does not sleep through night, so getting up at 6:30am, I am exhausted. I force myself at 7am to get moving and that means just getting my ass to work by 8am... Being asleep by 10:30pm is not even something he does consistently. And a 7 hour workday does not give me the income I need to stay afloat. 

I need to do better now tho than what I'm doing... 

Hurt

No weed is going well, but it’s made me reach for other things to achieve the desired level of sedation. 

Yesterday was a beta blocker, Xanax, and NyQuil. The Xanax helped for a couple hours to get me through work, even though I cried 3 times in the process. The beta blocker kept me from getting violent. The NyQuil got negated due to a texting conversation where I told my husband exactly how I feel. 

Which is pain. I feel so much fucking pain lately. 

I made the wrong choices from a good place, and they all backfired. And sometimes I want them all gone. I want to fix what I messed up. I don’t need a family - they all suck. I want no one and nothing. I want to live in a little house in the middle of nowhere with my baby and just be left alone. I want to be a hermit. 

People hurt me. 

Tonight, all of it is dulled. I got it out. I cried so hard my nose was not usable, and this morning my eyes would barely open they were so puffy. I used too much nasal spray to be able to breathe and burned my sinus cavity. I threw up severely this afternoon for no identifiable reason. I have felt like garbage physically for three weeks. 

But I had a good day at work. I felt good about it. I soaked for an hour in the tub tonight and felt like a different person when I emerged. I think I need to do that more frequently.

I think no weed is important tbh. I have been too reliant on it. When I don’t take it my meds work better. My eating is better. 

Food and I are in an ok place at the moment.

By my standards at least. 

I don’t think food and I will ever really be truly ok, but I haven’t binged in days. I purged once this week, but it was a small one. I’m restricting but trying not to be too intense with it. I’m trying to eat normal foods but healthier versions like vegan grilled cheese and chocolate yogurt. 

Idk, it always feels impossible to be at peace with food. I would do anything to just not have to eat anymore in life.  

I feel giant lately when I look in the mirror. I’m trying to figure out what to do with that at the moment… 

I start therapy Thursday. I like my therapist thus far in our interactions. I switched therapists 7 times. I felt like a psycho in the process, but I kept having things that turned me off from the experience, and I really want it to be helpful. I need to really expose myself in the process this time, which I don’t always do well. I needed to make sure I felt safe to do that, and I didn’t stop switching until I did. 

Fuck it right?

Propaganda

How bad 

is he? 

Is he as bad 

as the others?

Am I just 

donning glasses 

the color of roses?

Falling for 

all the genuflect poses?

Am I in denial 

about the movie

and the trial?

Am I covering up,

with a worn makeup brush,

and a smile in bed,

when inside my head,

I create propaganda  

for a monster. 

Trigger warning. 

Triggerwarning. 

Triggerwarningwarningwarning. 

Xanax is your friend 

when love lets you down. 

Ana and Mia 

will always be there. 

All the real monsters 

in life

tell you 

that they 

will love you. 

Calm hatred

I just want him to leave. He’s mean, and I don’t know why. But I don’t deserve this. He doesn’t communicate except to be completely passive aggressive. He’s defensive. He insults and yells and throws tantrums. I don’t foresee him being able to manage the kids like he needs to. He just damages people.  

I yelled at him to grow up. That the reason he has no one in his life outside of this house is because of how he treats people. That everyone walks on eggshells to try to keep him happy, and it doesn’t even matter, because it doesn’t even work. He called me a fat lazy bitch. I called him a deadbeat loser piece of shit and threw up lunch. 

I’m not eating today. Might not tomorrow. 

Ten years of waiting for him to stop running his mouth and calling names. I’m tired of being the bigger person and holding my tongue. 

I’m starting to really find him so extremely unappealing. 

The narratives about a dad going to get a pack of cigarettes and never coming home would be a dream come true. 

I drafted a breakup text. I’m waiting to see if I want to send it. I’m so over how he acts… I’m tired of coming to these pages and complaining. I’m tired of trying so hard to keep everyone else happy and healthy. 

I have stopped smoking. It was because I’ve had bronchitis and nausea, so even edibles were feeling terrible. It’s been a couple days now, and I want to take a break for a couple weeks. It’s too much money. And calories in the end. Now that I’m on this side of the initial hill, I need to stay here. 

I’m trying to start therapy. It’s not going well so far. I’ve switched therapists several times, and there’s always some concern with scheduling or technology or modality or the like… And I can’t seem to find a therapist that addresses eating disorders, and I need that so badly. 

I hate this fucking week. 

Restless

My brain chemistry is all fucked up, and I don’t know why. 

I feel listless, lethargic, disgusting, ashamed. I want to fucking die. I wish I could scoop the parts of my brain out that make me feel like this with a melon baller and be done with everything. 

I’m unhappy. He’s unhappy. Little is destined to be unhappy. I don’t understand why. 

It’s all too much. 

Home alone

Morning routine of 5 medications. I’ve been sick for a week solid. I’m so tired. 

My husband is tired of me complaining. He’s been at work the past two days, so the break from him has been nice. He’s been so insanely miserable since graduation a couple weeks ago. He needs to get out of the house, and I need time alone here. He truly doesn’t get how hard I work all the time. He expects too much from me given my mental health issues. He wants me to function so much better than I’m really capable of… meanwhile I’m trying to get there and already beating myself up so terribly that his echoing voice doesn’t help. I started meds and I’m going back to therapy. I hope the therapist I elected is decent. Two strikes so far…

When my middle wakes up, we are going to cook and clean - banana bread, soup, dishes, laundry, floors, general tidying up, bathrooms. When he helps me it’s quick, and he’ll be thrilled to bake. 

We also need to talk. We have to discuss this thing with his cousin… maybe over perler beads and then we can watch a movie. 

Everything with my kids is so complicated lately. I’m trying to keep some patience, but it’s hard. Being sick is not helping. The more calm I try to be, the more things go wrong.

Xanax feels so good.