Sleepy

I'm SO lethargic today.

I worked last night which I normally don't do... I needed some extra money, and it was a good shift, but I woke up at my usual time in the morning and was up a good 20 hours with only a 30 minute nap.

Now my sleep schedule is all jacked up. I went to bed at 3am last night and woke up at 7:45am. Not even a REM cycle! And I can't sleep any more.

Augh... Not good for weight loss. My fingers are swollen this morning which is a dead give-away that I'm retaining water.

I feel SO sleepy and blaaaaah.

Time for a diet pill to jolt me awake until bed time I guess... If I let myself nap today I'll just jack up my sleep schedule even more... 12 hours until bedtime.

Shit.

Orange

I burned 500 cals at the gym. Phew! It was intense.

Got home intent on making egg whites with tomato and threw in a little mushrooms and onions as well. SO I'm at 65 calories instead of 44 for breakfast. I wanted to eat an orange SO badly when I finished that bit, but I didn't... I think I'll eat that as my snack at 1pm instead of an apple and then the calories are evened back out.

Sometimes I feel like my brain clicks over and this little voice in my head points out how weird I am with food...

"When the fuck did eating an orange become such a huge fucking deal?" It says to me. "An orange won't make you fatter."

But I know it will. Normal people have got it all wrong. They think, "Oh I can eat this brownie because I went to the gym today. It'll be okay."

No, it won't. It will never be okay. Certain foods should never be eaten, never thought of as food even.

Oranges should only be eaten when planned. When calculated into the big picture. It's not that the orange is bad. It's that the action of eating the orange is out of the realm of complete control. One little slip-up like that... One little orange that isn't planned opens the door to SO many other bad things. Then suddenly it's "okay" to eat something.

But it's not.

Once I eat that orange, the "normal" voice in my head says, "Oh you can eat some wheat toast. You went to they gym today. It'll be okay." And this time it's louder.

But I know better. So I put the orange aside and I move away from that voice in my head. If I ignore it and don't give into it's suggestions, I know it will quiet down more and more until I can't even make out what it's saying anymore.

That voice only wants me to be fat.

Gym and cals. What else?

My muscles are SORE today. The gym yesterday was a bit too much I guess. I'm going back today, but I'll focus more on arms/back and give my core a little break.

I think I'm down a bit in weight this morning but I don't want to check... I want to check in like 5 days and see a huge loss.

I'm nervous about food today. I have to work tonight instead of this morning, and I don't really know when and how much I should eat. When I worked at night before I would have 100 cals in the morning, then my "big meal" (200 calories) before the start of my shift, then another 100 calorie snack before the shift ended and another when I got home.

This seems feasible but my dilema is I'm awake MUCH earlier than I used to be when I worked at nights before... So I hope my body just accepts it!

SO the (hopefully) plan:
[Gym - burn 400+ cals]
B: Egg whites and tomato - 44cals/10am
S: Apple - 60cals/1pm
L: Chicken and veggies - 200 cals/4pm
S: Granola bar - 90 cals/8pm
D: Oatmeal - 100 cals/When I get home

I think this is a good plan. We'll see how it goes! Okay... Off to the gym.

Think thin, ladies!

Life is good.

Gym this morning was amazingggg. I burned about 400 calories.

Intake so far:
Oatmeal - 100
Granola - 90
Popcorn - 100
Turkey - 50
Total: 340.
Planning on about 200 more for dinner - Slow-cooked pork and a big 'ole salad... I didn't realize but I haven't eaten enough fruits/veggies today yet.

I'm SO thrilled that everything has worked out JUST as I wanted it to today. Work was great, gym rocked, tanned... Hopefully in a few days I'll be confident enough to see what I'm weighing.

*Fingers crossed!* Think thin, ladies.

Work, lack of gym, and lace

Aaaand, I'm broke.

I just checked my bank account, and wowza. I have just enough for the phone bill this month and nothing more.

I pray to GOD I have good days tomorrow and Saturday. I need about another $120 in hand Saturday night to pay my rent. That should be feasible seeing as how it's the weekend... Let's hope so!

I didn't manage to go to the gym AGAIN today... Some stuff came up and now it's too late. Maybe I'll do a video... Or just some mat work on my own. I was really busy at work though and sweated my ass off, so that's got to count for something.

Tomorrow I have GOT to go to the GYM and get in a real workout.

In other news...

I want to buy something lacey. Fat girls do not [should not] wear lace. I want to be thin enough to wear lace.

Today's plan

I worked SO hard on cleaning the house yesterday... I feel like I can reward myself by going to the gym today...

Today's plan:
B: Oatmeal
Snack: Granola
L: Salad
[Hit up the gyyym! Burn 530 calories.]
Snack: Egg whites
[Finish cleaning the house!]
D: Chicken and veggies
Intake - output = 0 calories

I can do this. I can drop this stubborn weight and be thin and look amazing in my work uniform and get on TRACK in my life!

I hope you all have an amazing day, ladies. Think thin.

Oh, and I'm glad you like the new layout! Definitely time-consuming when you're trying not to eat.

On track eating

Today's intake:

FF Refried Beans - 90
FF Sour cream - 20
Peppers, onions, tomatoes - 10
Salsa - 10
Cup soup - 70
Orange - 45
Granola bar - 90

Total thus far: 335 calories

I'm planning on some steak and vegetables for dinner, totaling around 200.

I looove being on track. Now to accomplish this tomorrow when I have to work...

I'm thinking apple for breakfast, apple sauce for snack during shift, granola bar on the drive home, salad for lunch, and chicken and veggies for dinner.

Totaling 500 calories, nice and evenly spaced out. Let's make it happen!

Think thin, ladies.

Stomach pain and cleaning

The past two days I have had horrendous stomach pain... I don't know what was causing it, but I suspect I was a bit constipated... Happens when I throw up too much sometimes.

I was going to take some laxatives to work it out, but the pain was SO intense and I was BMing a bit, so I was scared to do so. I was honestly scared I might have torn something from all the severe purging over the weekend.

Today I feel normal. Thank GOD because I really want to get on a schedule with working out and maintaining the house.

It looks like it may rain today, so my goal is to clean the house from top to bottom and squeeze in a workout. Then, my friends, I can maintain my schedule and lose, lose, lose.

Think thin, ladies.

Argh

Yesterday was miserable.

And last night I didn't dream about Chevy... Instead I dreamed about my ex boyfriend.

FML.

Today has GOT to be better.

Chevy dreams and B&Ps

I've dreamed about Chevy the past THREE nights.

The first one I wrote about in my last entry... The night after, I dreamed we were kissing and last night I dreamed he wouldn't talk to me but was telling all of our mutual friends that he missed me.

I need this nonsense to stop! It's very distracting and makes it hard to function throughout the day... My emotions get a little out of control when it comes to him, and I have shit to accomplish - I do not need this distraction.

My weight was up today... Surprise surprise. I am incapable of going to my parent's house and not gaining. All I did this weekend was eat and eat and eat.

Binge, purge, binge, purge, binge, not purge, binge, purge, binge, purge.

That is my exact weekend eating schedule.

I feel like SHIT today from all of it and I'm bloated beyond recognition. Which sucks because I have to squeeze into my tiny work uniform... Today is my first day on the floor solo at work. Training is over. I'm excited, and I hope I actually make some moneyyyy.

Let's hope.

Today's goals:
Apple only for breakfast.
Chicken salad for lunch.
Fish and veggies for dinner.
GO TO THE GYM.
Clean up the house a bit.
Do some laundry.
Run errands.

I'm capable! Let's make it happen!

Chevy dreams

I dreamed about Chevy last night.

I was around the corner down a dark hallway in a building, stark naked, and I got a glimpse of him talking to someone... Smiling.

My heart jolted, my emotions. I wanted to run and talk to him and see him and ask why he didn't text me back on Christmas... But I couldn't because I was naked. I was too exposed and I knew I shouldn't.

How symbolic.

I don't know why I dreamed of him. I guess because Rene and I were talking about him and the whole situation the other day.

I do miss him. I miss our friendship and how open I could be with him... I wish so badly things hadn't gotten so serious and dramatic and that he hadn't fallen in love with me...

Goal today: No food until dinner. Coffee only.

I have no idea what the parents are expecting to do tonight, and we're leaving in mere hours to drive there anyway, so I'm not going to eat in preparation.

The scale this morning was not pretty after yesterday's horrendous eating. I'm pretty sure it's just sodium and water retention today because the number was extremely high compared to all week AND my hands and feet are SO swollen... I ate a lot of fast food which I haven't done in forever, so I'm assuming I just need to drink water water water today.

My goal this weekend is to come home and weigh in Monday morning and have it all off and maybe a little more.

I know it's possible if I just FOCUS.

Bad day

I fucked up today... Get back on track, Cally! You couldn't afford this shit today!

This weekend will be hard because I'm going to the parent's house. My mom wants to go to lunch together on Sunday... Dinner Saturday... Breakfasts... What will I do???

I've recently gotten to the point where I can be alone and not B&P... If I can manage that I can manage to go to my mom and dad's house and not gain... Right???

High calories and higher stress

Yesterday I was bad...I consumed around 1,100 calories.

WTF, man? I've been doing so well!

I couldn't stop eating and then the guilt kicked in, and I ALMOST purged. I didn't actually because I knew a.) everything I ate was so spaced out I wouldn't get that much out and b.) I have GOT to stop using that as an out.

When I reflected on my week I realized that I ate almost nothing every day for 4 days, and that my body probably needed something substantial... The scale said I weigh what I did yesterday though, AND the day before, so I'm not happy... Though I DID lose 4 pounds this week...

I just have a lot more to go.

Today's plan of attack: Eat as little as possible & ATTEMPT a work-out.

I over-did it the other day and my legs have been SO sore and stiff... On the brink of a pull, so I have to be careful.

But alas, I have to go get ready for work.

Think thin, ladies.

Concert and Bloat

The concert last night was amazing.

A-MAZING.

And Rene didn't let me down, actually. Even coughed up the money for the ticket AND was on time AND bought drinks.

I drank. And ate popcorn. I wasn't quite sure where that would put my day, and I was worried that the excess might make me go waaay over, but it didn't too badly.

Intake:
Cereal: 170
Salad: 200
Wine: 160
Popcorn: 120
Total: 650

Do-able. My output last night was amazing because I basically danced in heels for 3 hours. It was SO lovely, and I want to go dancing more often!!!

The scale this morning says I haven't gained an ounce.

I feel really bloaty and gross this morning though, and am not looking forward to going to work... I have a feeling I lost some weight, but the scale the morning after I drink always says I weigh a bit more... I think I retain water a bit when I drink, so I have to drink plenty of water today to get it out of my system!

Well, have to run ladies! I hope you all have a magical thin day.

Work

SO, work uniform aside, I'm loving my job.

It's super easy, the girls are great (so far) and getting paid to joke around with customers all day is the best job everrr! I can't wait for my training to be done so I can start making tips.

Yesterday I did a killer workout and only consumer about 400 calories all day.

I don't know what to do today because I have to go to work AND out to the concert tonight...

I'm thinking small meal before work and then another small one before we go out tonight.

I need to stay under 500 calories. The weight is coming off but slowly. My body won't shed it like it used to... And I feel like I'm all fat and no muscle lately, so I need to work on that.

Well, I'm off ladies. I have to study for my menu test today.

Think thin!

Uniform

My new work uniform is my worst nightmare.

Suntan pantyhose with an elastic band so tight around your midsection it'd make ANY girl look like she's a rolly polly (paired with the fact that I AM a rolly polly... it's awful) "shorts" (a.k.a. underwear) designed to squeeze your waist and hips and go up your ass and hoo-hah, and a tank top made out of the most unforgiving material I've ever seen.

How do I remedy this???

Well, for starters, I cut the waistband out of the pantyhose. Goodbye sizing.

I'm supposed to tuck my shirt into my shorts (thus accentuating the tire caused my the shorts band even MORE) but I haven't been. We wear a belt with a pouch on it, so I just kind of tighten it so that it covers the end of my shirt and makes me look a bit thinner.

My uniform is a medium. Medium shirt, medium shorts. And I was basically told that's as high as it goes. The top isn't that big of a deal... I only have a medium because my new bra makes my boobs so huge they won't fit in a small.

But the shorts... No worries, bosses. This uniform slap in the face is going to cause a shrinkage in my body. I don't want to be the fat girl on staff any more than you want me to be.

I feel like I look horrible in the uniform, but I must not because about 4 men last night pulled me over to their tables just to chat me up and blatantly look at my body. One guy tipped me for absolutely nothing.

Stupid. Men are stupid.

My goal is to lose some inches asap. I've barely been eating lately... I just have to up my output.

And one of the girls I work with told me last night she could get me adderol, and I'm PSYCHED. I'm going to get some from her as soon as Rene pays me the money she owes me for tickets...

I invited Rene to go to a concert with me tomorrow... We don't talk much anymore, and honestly this is my last ditch effort to re-kindle some friendship.

The problem is that I don't like her enough to tolerate actually making the plans... Augh why did I invite her??? I don't even like her anymore. I swear if there is one issue tomorrow I'm done with her. This is her LAST chance.

New slutty job

I, my lovely followers and fellow bloggers, have an new job.

Goodbye 12 hour work days for shitty pay. Goodbye bully boss and all the shit you make me put up with. Goodbye horribly boring long days.

Hello, old friend.

I got a serving job. Of course... What do I ALWAYS go back to? But this time it's a bit different... This time I'm basically working at a Hooters. Only NOT a Hooters. It's a similar type restaurant tho...

Do I feel guilty about this employment decision? Subjecting my body and ED to this? Subjecting my husband to this? About the fact that I'll be parading around work in booty shorts and a tank-top flirting with male chauvinist pigs and serving them greasy, nauseating food? A bit. I do feel a bit guilty. Expecially because I've always thought those places were a wee bit ridiculous...

But here's the cold hard fact: I need money. And when I spoke to a few people about working there, everyone told me I HAD to. Even my own mom. "You'll do so well! You're so gorgeous!"

So, I thought, "I'll just go apply and see what they say." They loved me. They aren't even making me work weekends.

Saturday is my orientation and then we'll see how it all goes! Not particularly looking forward to putting on a uniform, but hey... Maybe this job will keep me motivated to look my best all the time and finally keep some pudge off.

On thing this job is DEFINITELY going to do is open up my schedule a LOT. I will have more time to volunteer, take my classes, and study for the GRE.

Speaking of which, I've made some life-altering decisions lately...

I'm going to graduate school. Hopefully next fall if I get in. I talked to an admission's councelor and found out what I'd have to do to get in and I need to work less in order to accomplish these things.

I have got to get a stellar score on the GRE, begin volunteering, and still make some money to put aside. This seemed like the best idea.

We'll see if it actually is...

Wish me luck on Saturday, ladies!

No more normal

I'm back... Hating myself more than ever.

The past few months are a blur of trying to lose... Losing... Gaining... Losing... Gaining. Back and forth to the point where I just want to end things.

If I didn't have my hubby I probably would have by now.

I've realized that I 100% have an eating disorder.

I can't even remember what it's like to be a "normal" eater. Every meal is riddled with thoughts of obsession, counting, measuring, worry, fret, anxiety... Or compulsion, gorging, binging, carelessness... I have no middle ground any more. The eating disorder took it. My normal eating patterns evaporated, and now I don't remember how to do what I once did naturally.

I tried to be "normal" for a while again. Thought, "This time it will be different... This time I will stick to my normal eating. Healthy, normal eating."

Impossible.

I don't even know how to eat normally. I read articles and diets and healthy eating handbooks, and I think, "I can do it." So I buy healthy, normal food options... Options that don't have every single molecule of fat and sugar and flavor sucked out of them... I stock my fridge, I stock my cabinets. Whole grains, nuts, things ana would never allow me. Things that I've eliminated years ago for being too calorie-ridden.

Then I binge on them.

I eat an entire bagel and applesauce for breakfast. I feel like it's too much. I can't eat 285 calories for breakfast. That's horrible. Then I say to myself, "That's normal. You're trying to be normal. 285 is normal." But I can't handle being normal. I don't know how to think normal thoughts about normal food.

I panic.

And then I give up.

I eat my lunch at 10am, I order take-out with the staff, I raid the vending machine at work, I swing through drive-thrus on my way home from work, I cook fattening disgusting food for dinner, and I feel so bloated and sick and FULL when I go to sleep at night that I want to die.

I sincerely want to die.

I say, "Tomorrow I will REALLY eat normal. Tomorrow I will get it right."

But days go by and my weight creeps back up and rests at 123lbs.

That horrible, hideous number that a couple years ago, I was SO happy to achieve. The numerical order little digit that once brought me SO much happiness now only makes me feel like I want to stick my hands down my throat and literally pull every ounce of food out of me.

I get discouraged. I stop weighing. It's pointless. I know what the scale reads... 123lbs.

"I want to lost ten of them." I always say. Isn't that what every woman wants? To lose ten more pounds?

But it's different with me. I feel incomplete unless I actually lose them. I think about them every moment of every day unless I force the thoughts away and binge.

I start throwing things up. It does no good. Then I just retain water and still weigh the same. Only I look bloaty and feel guilty and mad at myself for getting myself into this in the first place... I decide not to purge. But the binging doesn't stop.

Then I have a melt-down. I realize I can't be normal. I can't ever stop feeling guilty about what I eat... So I decided, once again, not to eat. I've realized it doesn't matter what my behavior is... I'm always hungry.

And I can be hungry and binging and fat or hungry and restricting and skinny. I don't know why I'm hungry or what I'm hungry form but I know food is not filling any gaps. Attempting to eat like a normal person is not filling any gaps.

So here I sit. So ashamed as I write this. Ashamed that once again I tried and failed and honestly a little ashamed I tried in the first place.

I want to feel normal, but I have to realize that I can't be.

I've lost 2 pounds over the past 2 days... I've eaten around 500 calories each day.

This time it's different too. No deadlines, no gimmicks, no tricking myself into losing weight. And no attempting something I'm incapable of... I'm just back to my old routine. The routine that helps me lose weight and makes me feel like if I can't be normal, at least I can be thin.