B&P day

It all got away from me yesterday. Idk all the shit going on triggered something. I started justifying everything. 

I binged and purged all day long yesterday…

4 times. Massive purges. Tons of food. Tons of money. I couldn’t stop. They were methodical, planned, and reckless… my head comes out of the toilet panting. I feel high from it. I feel saved and pure and disgusting and vile. I hate it. And I couldn’t stop. I felt so anxious the entire day. 

I didn’t drink tho. Is that a victory? 

I’m garbage

I love sex. 

Because I love when someone worships my body. I love feeling sexy and pretty. I love attention. 

My parents fucked me up by keeping me away from people. 

I learned skills somewhere along the way from books and movies and tv. I learned psychology. It didn’t help me - it made me manipulative. I learned what makes people tick. I learned how to figure it out if their tick isn’t immediately obvious. There have been so very few mysterious puzzles over the years. So many easy ones to solve. This is not even a chicken or egg scenario - the ability was there first. The education and experience only honed a dangerous ability. 

I like a challenge, because I love wining. 

And I’m able to learn from every loss, so I become more dangerous. I’m competitive with myself. I want to be right. I want to be better than everyone else. I frequently somehow accomplish this… I don’t speak unless I know what I’m talking about. I don’t stop until I’m at the top. I don’t do things I’m not good at for very long. 

I cheat life. 

In like every way. My job fucking cheeeeats life. My family situation. My romances. I don’t play by any fucking rules. I do whatever I want to make myself feel good and don’t care about anything except that. 

I just want to feel good all the time. 

I’m not here to do things the “right” way in life. I don’t care if it’s healthy. I don’t care what the masses would say. I don’t care what anyone else would really think. I like to feel alive. 

Maybe because I feel so fucking dead inside so much. Forever it’s been there. This is how I fight it. 

I use people and drugs and food and anything I can get my hands on to feed that “feel good” monster inside.

I cram anything I can find into that gaping hole knowing it’ll never fill it up. But I’ve stopped dumping certain things in a while ago. I don’t dump in the boys anymore. It’s been years since I had any boy fun. I don’t dump in traveling and going out since Covid and baby. I don’t throw in near the amount of drugs I used to. I don’t throw in alcohol. 

I’m left with attention from my husband and baby and ocasional friend, weed, moving my body, being good at my job sometimes, food. 

Only food doesn’t actually make me feel good. Weed does the most. And losing weight.

I need to figure out this cycle. 

I need to figure out how to feel good with the resources I have at my disposal. Because I’m not a person who’s cool with mediocrity, so this cannot become that. 

Even if it already is that, I’ll just keep cheating every system to make sure I keep that exhilarating feeling of being alive. 

Not hurting anyone else, right?

Vid

Fucking hate Fox News but love this guy:

https://www.foxnews.com/health/body-positivity-movement-rejected-health-influencer-weight-loss-journey-morbid-obesity-healthy.amp

The past

 4am reading old blog posts. 

Man, I am a fucked up person. I think I always have been. 

It’s funny how time and perspective change things in your memory. It’s funny to read things now knowing how wrong I truly was. 

It’s fucking uncomfortable. 

I got some things so right and some things so wrong. Who would have known? And what mistakes am I making now unbeknownst to myself? 

Tomorrow I leave silence. I am exhausted by certain things and need space from them. I’m going to do what I need to do to feel good and not worry about the rest for a while.

I can’t plan my future. I’ve never been good at that. I can’t make decisions in life and feel good about them. Still. 

I wonder if any of us ever really grow up. 

Hating him for a decade

I hate when he gets like this. And morbidly, I’m almost used to it.

Ranting, crying, texting, not holding back, headaches, slamming doors, pointing fingers… I’m so exhausted. I don’t want to keep doing these things with him.

No more slamming doors tho. That startled him. Never doing that again. 

I’m so tired of fucking trauma bullshit being the reason for all this. I’m tired of trying to be understanding and not being listened to about anything when I know what the fuck I’m talking about. I’m tired of being encouraging, trying to keep him happy, and forgiving him for the same old shit. I’m tired of his defensiveness and resistance and refusal. I’m tired of him acting like I’m too hard on him when I’m honest and like I’m driving him away somehow and it’s my fault we’re in this situation all the fucking time. 

I WANT MY GODDAM RING BACK.

I’m so tired of him acting like I’m not good enough when the reality of this situation is that I’m too good for him… I had a lot of really good options in my life. I still could, and I know it. I know how to manipulate and play the game if I really wanted to. I could be having so much fun… 

Meanwhile, he has no one else. No one. People get tired of him because he’s so fucking exhausting. 

Yeah I might have some weight I need to lose, but that’s doable. You can’t change your fucking character. 

I’m just waiting to see if the moment comes. The moment where, with absolute clarity, I know what I need to do. I know it’ll come. So I wait. 

And in the meantime, I get thin and cute. 

550 calories today. My nails are done, hair is cut, and I already fit back into clothes I did before. I had a great day until I had to interact with him. 

I can’t fucking wait for him to go out of town so I can get drunk. In 48 hours, I am going to drink so much vodka. I’m going to not eat all day and then float away on a river of vodka. 

Thin dreams, lovers. 

Take me back to thin

I feel really strong resolve lately. I’m smoking and not eating. I’m pushing myself. I’m remembering the rules and following them well. 

I need this.

I need my body back. I feel motivated and capable for once. Maybe it’s the schedule shift. Maybe it’s the money feels. Maybe it’s just being sick of myself. Maybe it’s the images burned into my brain of how bad it got. 

Anyway, this week I have a good plan that gives me about 600 cals a day. I don’t want to exceed 800. I would like to keep it to 500. Once I get down to my goal weight, I will slowly increase my calories to 1,000 and one cheat meal a week and see how that goes. 

This needs to be a lifestyle shift. Permanently.

I need to get this shit under control. Everyone else is doing so well, and now is my chance to catch up. I need to get this down forever. I need to see family and be the old me. I need to get back to what people remember me as, because if I don’t soon, this will just be the story of how I got fat, and not the story about my temporary fat period. 

I’ll kill myself if I let myself be remembered that way. I wouldn’t deserve to live. 

I never want to feel like I have again lately. Like I did when I was a fucking teenager. Like I did in moments throughout my younger dating years. I want the otown feels back. I don’t need the Aville feels; I just need the Aville feels temporarily until I get myself back. That recent text from Ab made me remember. It awakened that longing. I can’t go back to that, but as least I could get a warm pool of memory to fantasize in every once in a while.

I have about 27lbs to lose to feel happy. I hope my body will do it with me. Let’s just see what it can look like. 

In 10lbs off, I am going to buy a few new outfits. I need more inspiration. I want cotton blend leggings and comfy bras and soft flowy tanks and cute funky tshirts.

And more… I want to keep my nails and toes and brows done and my body meticulously shaved and buffed and moisturized all the time with just a little makeup and a fun jewelry piece every once in a while. I want to have my coffee shop feels every morning and take a hot shower and spray perfume after using really nice smelling shampoo. I want to feel cool again.

It’s the masks coming off too. I just realized that part. Wow.

I’m going to weigh myself every two weeks. Reminder set. 

Think thin. 

Going back to thin

 I gave it a month. I can’t do it. I can’t do normal and wait. I can’t do vegan as a substitute. I can’t fucking leave Ana alone. 

I want to follow the rules. 

I want to feel the knot in my stomach and remind myself that feeling is making me happier. I want to drop a size and buy clothes for my new schedule in life. I want to spend my days being productive and not eating. Too busy to eat. I want to unwind by smoking and doing artistic things and not by stuffing my face. 

I want to be thin again.

I miss my old body. I miss feeling attractive and desirable. I miss not being fat. I need it back. 

It’s time. 

The universe has opened up a shining opportunity - I am a sahm most of the day now and my therapist is moving elsewhere. I spent a period of time reflecting, and I feel good about a lot of things, but not my body. Even my husband had stepson have been better than lately. Our relationships are all getting better. 

But this body is a prison. I can’t go another year in it. I need to put this period behind me… I’ve been fat for too long now. I stated gaining end of 2019, then I lost some in 2021, but 2022 has been a fucking standstill. It’s been like 3 years of being various degrees of fat. 

Fuck this.