Relax

Going back to work has been challenging, but I’m managing. Money is tight which always stresses me out. My mom has been stressing me out. My husband’s mom came to visit, and that stressed me out, Covid has been stressing me out. Baby’s future has been stressing me out. Lots of things stress me out.

Anxiety = binge and purge, and I don’t know why.

B&Ps are high lately. I hate it. I have been doing it too much. Smoking too much. I don’t know how to fucking relax without drugs. I feel good about current life plans, but not good with how much work it currently is or will be. I need more money and more free time. How the fuck do I do that?? I need to weight less and be more  I need to talk about myself less. 

Tigers eye, makeup, new clothes... this is my war paint and new wardrobe. I need a trip. A tripping trip, thanks. Really hope that gets to happen this summer.

Really hope I don’t gain as much as I think I will this weekend once the dust settles. No weighing in until Friday. Fml, I need to relax somehow... before I really start to hate myself.

Happy

Losing weight makes me happy. Shopping makes me happy. Being around my kids and husband make me happy. Stopping to appreciate my life and not comparing myself to anyone but myself, makes me happy. I need to remember these things. 

Things that don’t make me happy:

• My stupid fucking parents and all their families. 
• Food. 
• Bumming around. 
• Spending too much money on the wrong things. 
• Wallowing in self-pity.
• Smoking weed. 

I needed the last two weeks. Mentally and physically. Emotionally. I have processed a lot of things, reorganized a lot of things, planned and prioritized a lot of things. I am ready to go back to work now. I am feeling good in a lot of ways. I’ve lost 11lbs since my surgery. That was 16 days ago. I feel clearer and lighter in a lot of realms of my life. My sleep is wacky, but it’ll improve once my schedule settles a bit. 

My eating is under control. 9 days of no binges or purges and only smoking once... only one day of calories over 900, and it was still only 1400. It’s all going well - I just need to keep momentum and stick to my diet. Exercise starts 6/10... I’m ready for this change. I need it. 

This week promises to be challenging, but I’m up for the challenge. I say bring it on, Louis! 

Blueberry picking in the morning with the baby and mom friends. We’ll see how that goes... idk if in a “mom friends” person. I doubt I am, honestly...  but I get to wear a cute outfit and take photos, so can’t be all bad. 

Rest of year plan.

Do these shits:

• Lose weight (eternal goal).
• Stick to meal plan of <900 calories per day on a timed schedule. 
• Meal. Prep. 
• Don’t weigh in except weekly (eternally hard for me to do). 
• No more weed (!).
• Wear makeup on the daily - keep your nails and brows done. 
• Wear clothes that are cute - aka put some effort into it, bitch. 
• Play with hairstyles, even tho people will be like wtf at first. 
• Whiten your teeeeeth. 
• Save money like a pimp. 
• Be consistent with second job. 
• Heal from surgery in all the ways. 
• Start working out again - June 10. 
• Hustle at first job - aka don’t call out of work  
• Improve sex life for 5 months. 
• Go on vacation in October finallyyyyy. 
• Try to get pregnant - leave it up to God. 

Life is a shitshow

The past 24 hours have been pheeeew...

Surgical healing is stressful. I panic with medical things  I had a panic attack so bad I almost fainted.

I have had a lot of swirling thoughts about second baby... I am so unsure... I know what I feel right now but not what I want. There is so much indecision still and I don’t know how to decide, but I need to. I don’t know if I should give my husband this kind of chance at the risk of my own well-being. 

I spent hours on a spreadsheet of approved recipes and things I can cook and eat. Literally. Hours. I remember when it was like this before. Checking every product in the store to find the perfect one - least calories, low fat, low carbs, high protein, high fiber.... I don’t mind it. It’s an obsession, a hobby. And I have none of those. I want more money and less body and this helps with those things. 

Ana helps me. 

Finally, in other news, my mom is a psycho. She always will be. Who the fuck gets a letter and decides to shred it instead of reading it? You don’t even have to DO anything... She’s crazy, and I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to, no matter the outcome of anything else in my life. I’d rather die alone than have someone like her in my life. 

I need a nap. 

Progress

Just spent the last two hours developing a list of items  for all three meals a day that are Ana approved. Calorie counter downloaded. Groceries added to cart. 

I plan to stick to under 900 calories per day until September and see how far I get. No meal or calorie changes until I weigh in then.

But I am not going to skip days eating, worry about exercise yet, or allow binges and/or purges. I will include exercise as I get closer - just still recovering from surgery currently and unsure how it’ll go for another couple months until I’m all healed up  

The past 4 days I have stuck to my counts. It has felt amazing. 

My stomach feels so empty. I feel free. And way too tired. Night. 

Broken.

I feel sad. Lonely. Tired. I don’t feel capable or lovable. I am dreading my return to work. I am afraid of it. I am questioning all of my life decisions and hating myself. I am missing the past. I am longing for escape and to avoid pain. I feel pity for those who think me capable. 

Will there ever come a point in my life when I’m happy? Or will I always choose a path with drama, hurt, depression, sadness, and anger? Is that what makes my life this way? 

Am I just broken? And will I always be? How do you fix yourself?

Rambler

Today was perfect. My stomach is so empty right now and my head so full of endorphins. I wish my surgery scar wasn’t itching and my bellybutton wasn’t scaring me, but I feel really relaxed. It was a perfect beach day aside from kids getting sunburned... 

I have eaten well for several days now. I need to keep it up. 

I finally wrote and mailed the letter. Mother’s Day is the only thing to determine now... idk wtf. I’ve never cut someone off before that I felt like I needed to un-cut til now. 

Nighty night.  

I need to lose like 100lbs

This weekends planned eats:

Friday:

Breakfast:  

3 egg whites - 45

Single - 50

Salsa & veggies -30

Half English muffin - 60

Sugar free blackberry jam - 10

Total: 195

Lunch: 

Tuna with onion, relish, lite Mayo - 150

Lettuce and tomato - 40

Rice cake - 45

Total: 235

Dinner: 

Sweet potato - 120

Asparagus - 50

Chicken thigh - 130

Total: 300

Dessert: 

Fudge pop or pudding - 100

Day Total: 830

Saturday - beach day:

Breakfast:

Watermelon - 85 cals

Coffee protein drink -160

Total: 245

Lunch:

Turkey sandwich (no cheese) - 200

Apples and caramel - 60

Carrots and ranch - 60

Total: 320

Dinner:

Salad mix - 30

Chicken breast - 100

Dressing - 45

Bleu cheese - 50 

Almonds - 50

Total: 275

Day total: 840

Bring rice cakes to beach if munchies happen... can have a fudge pop or pudding if desperate, and if you don’t fuck this up...

Sunday:

Breakfast:  

3 egg whites - 45

Single - 50

Salsa & veggies -30

Total: 125

Lunch - salad or sandwich or tuna @ 250

Dinner:

Pork ribs (2lg) - 300

Grilled zucchini w/evo - 100

Sautéed cabbage - 25

Total: 425

Dessert:

Pudding - 70

Day total: 870

I can do this... I did more than this before. I need to get my eating disorder under control, and there’s only one way to do that. I need to get myself back to control. Ana, please let me channel you... 

In other news, I am sad about Covid. We all are. But damn, son. I never wanted to live in the end times. Probably why I’m so suicidal all the time lately. 

I don’t think I want another baby. 

Jumble

I cannot stop binging and purging... how do I again?

I need to smoking weed, stop taking benzos, stay on my diet... I’ve been losing weight. 6lbs in a week while I’ve been on bed rest. It’s great but holy fucking shit do I have a long way to go. Physically and mentally so far to go. Miles and miles before I rest. My mom loves Robert Frost... I wonder how she is these days... I should resolve that before Mother’s Day. But I don’t want to. 

I need to decide. A lot of things... Or maybe I don’t. Maybe fate will decide. I need to decide if I will late fate decide. I don’t want another baby. Or do I? I need to decide... I need to decide about Hailey. About my parents. About my husband. I need to decide what I want my life to look like. Why does no one tell you that you never get to stop doing that once you start?? It’s not just at 18... it’s endless and exhausting. I’m tired of all the decisions. 

I need real friends. I need a body I don’t hate. I need medication. I need to take better care of myself. I need my husband to get healthier. I need a new job. I need to take better care of my kids. 

Do I deserve to eat before bed? Do I deserve to digest something today?

I hate people. Except artists. Artists I envy. Why can’t I ever be as cool as I wish I was? Why am I so scared to be whatever the fuck I want to be? Who bred that fear into me, and how the fuck do I get rid of it?? 

Tomorrow we make an anklet for a good person. 

Fuck it.

My surgery is over. I’ve lost 5lbs in 3 days. I’m tired. I’m depressed. I’m fucking bored. I’ve been binging and purging daily. Idk why I can’t stop. Everything overwhelms me and makes me feel awful. All I do is sleep and cry. My thoughts race and I have to take Xanax to feel calm. I have googled suicide 3 times today. 

The husband and I had a 5am argument. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. I meant it. I’m tired of being abused. I’m tired of his mental health making mine garbage. I’m tired of this endless cycle with him where I’m told how awful I am. I already feel that way and don’t need the echo. 

I hate all my fucking friends. Because I have none. 

I’m alone in the world aside from my child - even my step kids don’t fucking listen or care. They’re too gone. My husband is too gone. 

At this point my fantasy is a home close to nature with no one else around. Just me and baby boy and no one else. I don’t care if he’s autistic even if everyone else seems to have issues with it. I just want to work my job and feed my body in moderation and clean my house and make art. That it all I want and I’m sick of all these motherfuckers in the world preventing that from happening. I want to save money and accomplish that. 

I don’t know what I thought surgery would fix. It’s not fixing me. It fixed some issues preventing me from fixing me, but I need to fix me and I don’t even know where to start. I want meds. I don’t want to have another baby. I want a better body and to feel ok in it. I want to lose weight and never feel this way again. I want a husband who isn’t so broken or to not have one at all. I don’t need people. I just need work and money and to be left alone. I can have fun by myself and prefer it that way. 

So how long do I wait? When is the date and time and place to pull the plug? I feel change coming. I am going to regain myself. I am going to do what I need to to take care of myself and my child and fuck the rest of the world.