Addiction

Things I am addicted to [lately]:
Diet Pills.
Adderal.
Weed.
Sleeping pills.
Binging and Purging.
Hating myself.

Would any other shitty things like to jump on this list? Cutting, would you like to join? Hm? Obsessively crying? Everyone come aboard! Why not?

I'm a MESS lately. Like a legit mess, and I honestly don't know what to do about myself... I constantly seek something, ANYTHING to alter my mood.

I take diet pills and Addy to get through my morning (to not eat, because eating is bad!) which are uppers. They both make me feel artificially happy and energetic.

Then after I crash from these at night I smoke weed in order to stop worrying about things - so that I can eat dinner without having a panic attack. But I probably shouldn't smoke because I probably shouldn't eat dinner in the first place...

Then I pop a sleeping pill to erase my day completely so that I can actually FALL asleep because if I don't take them all I think about all night long is how much I HATE myself. The thousands of reasons why.

And if I DON'T take any of these drugs... Well! Then I just end up binging and purging multiple times in the same day. Eating so much food so fast that I'm not even tasting it... It's just about getting all of it in so I can throw it up and feel "better." Only it's very rare that I feel better. Normally the process just feels necessary, not enjoyable.

I B&P'd yesterday, despite the Addy I took in the morning, which has never happened before. I mistakenly thought I would be okay with half a pill, but I was wrong... I think my body is getting used to it, which is NOT good. That means I'll have to take MORE to feel something and I a.) cannot afford that and b.) should probably not be taking it in the first place.

SO, I decided that today I need to NOT take any Addy and the same goes for tomorrow. As far as Friday, I make no promises, seeing as how I have the entire day off by myself.

I made it though this morning at work only because I took double the diet pills I normally take.

I don't even know if I could go a full day without some kind of drug. I think I would just end up B&Ping all day long.

Fuck, I'm a mess. I need to ween myself off of some of these substances and go back to having self-control on my own.

Is that even possible now??? Can I even manage to make that happen???

A girl I work with went on a cruise for a week and came back today. She told me, "You look like you've lost weight!"

I almost cried. "I have!" I said. "But it's not enough." I thought.

SO close

I am SO close, ladies, I can taste it.

Tomorrow I should be 115lbs if I know my body like I think I do.

It's gotten a LOT harder to lose lately... I've had to pull out all the stops, and my body is responding by letting go of a couple ounces here and there...

But I'm patient. I am willing to go another month with barely eating... Another month of whatever it takes to get down to 110lbs.

Then I will have to maintain it, and since that weight is not really natural and easy for my body, that will be as much work as losing it in the first place.

But, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Today's planned eats:
B: Caffeine and Diet pills - 0 cals
L: Yogurt - 100 cals
D: Shrimp and Broccoli - 200 cals
Total: 300 cals

Think thin, ladies!

Off to the parents' house

I had half a sandwich for lunch because I was starting to feel a little (okay, maybe a LOT) light-headed today.

It's churning around in my stomach now... I tried to make it super-healthy since I know fasting can get allll messed up if you eat shitty stuff afterward. My stomach doesn't seem to like it, and I'm wondering if the Adderall has something to do with it.

I've noticed that when I take Addy, first of all, I become a REALLY picky eater (not common for me - normally I'm picky like ana-picky but not I-don't-like-how-that-tastes-picky) and second of all, if I DO finally decide to eat something, I physically cannot bring myself to eat very much of it. It just starts to become unappealing as I eat it. Apparently this is common, but it's new territory for me. I have more of a tendency to binge and then have regret and purge later, making restricting kind of hard for me...

Not with this! If only I could afford to be addicted to it... Ha ha!

I'm heading to my parents' house in a bit, and when I called my mom to see what she was making for dinner, she said "Spaghetti."

That is the most HORRIFYING word in the English language to me.

Here is why:
1.) Pasta. Really??? Pasta!? This is not an ana-approved food. I do NOT eat pasta.
2.) Ground beef. I ALSO do NOT eat ground beef. Horrifying nutritional value and unfortunately can't be avoided when you eat spaghetti.
3.) Spaghetti sauce. So full of sodium and sugar. Also a calorie land-mine.

And what do we serve with Spaghetti? Bread, of course. Why would you need anything besides more carbs when you're eating carbs for dinner.

I'm scared, honestly, but I think I have a plan... I'm going to cook up some zucchini and bring it with me and pretend like I needed to eat it before it went bad.

THEN, no pasta at least. And of COURSE I will not be eating any accompanying bread products.

If I stick to light sauce over zucchini, I can have about a 200 calorie meal.

Which would be perfect.

And THEN I only have to worry about tomorrow...

And how to avoid all the shit they have at their house. If I can manage THAT, then it will be one of the best weekends I've had in a looong time.

I'm going to make it happen.

Slight mess-up and less weight.

I really need to get caught up on my blog reading, but I still don't have time right now...

I finally weighed less this morning... I kind of flubbed up last night on my fast and ate something at 9:30pm. It actually made me really nauseated and I ended up purging it up.

I don't know if it actually made me nauseated, or if I just let the guilt of eating get to me, but either way, I felt better after I purged.

I'm sticking to my plan of no food 'til dinner today and low tomorrow, and I'm PRAYING that I'm down to 115lbs by Monday.

Then give me a good week, and I swear... I'll be down to my goal weight.

Plan today:
1/2 an Addy to get me going this morning.
Work.
Work-out! Not coming home until I do.
Shower, pack, and head to the parent's house.

Where I HOPE I can get through the weekend without purging...

I need to remember that I feel great with no food in my system.

Think thin, ladies!

Friday night staying in

It is 7:40pm here, and I have not had a bite to eat today.

A bunch of girls I work with are doing various things tonight (going out, keg parties, etc.) and I was invited to several of them, but I'm not going... Lots of reasons, actually:

1.) I'm broke.
2.) The hubby is out of town and might have a mini melt-down if I go running around while he's gone with people he's never met that I've actually never hung out with before.
3.) I have to work in the morning.
4.) Seeing as how I have not eaten, I cannot drink alcohol and hope to stay upright or non-vomiting.

I feel bad though, because they actually want me there. I'm starting to actually make real friends and not just have co-workers I don't want to hang out with. I like them a lot actually.

I will soon. Just not tonight. Too many things going on at once.

So, Friday night, and what will I be doing?

Blogging and bubble bath, please.

And not eating.

This will be the first day I've had zero calories in a single day in a long time. I don't want to fuck that up.

Game plan

SO I decided to have a semi-normal intake yesterday in the attempt to give my metabolism a boost. It's worked in the past, and I hope over the next couple days it works out.

I had a few more carbs and sugars than I usually allow myself. I HATE going to bed feeling full, and I DID. Woah, buddy...

I felt like I ate for hours, when in actuality I probably ate what a normal person my size eats on a daily basis. It just felt like a TON.

My weight is only up a half a pound this morning (pre-BM) which is a good sign that I can lose, lose, lose this weekend if I stick to the game plan...

WHICH is to NOT eat ANYTHING today and not anything tomorrow until I have to at my mom's house. The problem will be that I have to cook dinner for my hubby tonight and not eat it.

I think I can get away with it... I plan to cook it before he gets home and leave it in the fridge and feign a migraine. I ALSO plan to take some Addy at work as soon as I get my hands on the damn pills the girl owes me, and do a workout video when I get home.

Then Saturday at my mom's house ONE meal (might take an Addy early in the morn to get through the first part of the day), and Sunday I'm going to stick to my max 500 cals plan. Hopefully on Monday morning when I weigh in I'll be down a bit and not STUCK at this plateau.

I'm so close... I am NOT giving up. I know if I can just get there, I can maintain. It's just a matter of convincing my body to get there.

If I'm still stuck at this number on Monday, I'm going into overtime. No more fat Cally. I don't care if I have to stop eating altogether, or start throwing up every single meal.

Aggravation

My weight is the SAME this morning. Same exact number...

I'm mad.

The end of the month is approaching fast, and I don't WANT to weigh what I weigh now. I don't WANT to plateau and I don't WANT to have to cut back calories more and work out more to lose this weight. And I don't WANT to have to jumpstart my metabolism and do all kinds of fucking tricks to lose weight.

My body should know it's fat and needs to lose weight.

I'm aggrivated.

Yesterday's intake:
B: Apple - 60 cals
L: Salad - 150 cals
D: Beef and loads of veggies - 250 cals
Total: 460 cals

Output:
Hustled around work for HOURS.

WTF, mate? I should have lost something this week, and the fact that it's Thursday and I didn't with DAYS of low calories means I have to work double time.

I've stalled like this before, and I just had to wait it out. AND I've stalled like this before and had to up my game. So what is it this time?

I'm not going to weigh in again until Saturday morning. I was supposed to go to my parent's house this weekend, but I have to work on Saturday, so I'm not going down until that evening and then only staying one night.

Thank GOD. I can't be around all their food right now... No thank you.

SO, I'm thinking Friday I may fast and see if that helps... The hubby is going down early on Friday and helping my parents move my grandmother. He's staying the night there, and I'm staying the night here alone. Then Saturday I'm joining them.

I'm getting about 4 Adderall from a girl I work with, and if I take one at work Friday, I'll be able to resist and then go to bed at a normal hour still and have fasted all day... And the hubby won't see me all cracked out and want to know what's wrong with me.

Then I'll weigh in nice and early Saturday and see if I'm losing again yet.

This plateau is annoying me.

I'll beat it though. I swear.

Today's plan:
Gym today after work.
Only one meal with the hubby.
Loads of water and diet pills.

Please, body. Get rid of this fucking fat.

Drugs, cleaning, and weight loss

The past couple days have been... Nuts, actually.

Monday was a good intake day, but a bit rough.

I took two laxatives Sunday night and they kicked in while I was at work. Let me tell you something though, I think I needed them because with all the B&Ping and being a bit sick the week before, I think my digestion was messed up. Luckily we were slow, because I was in pain.

I ended my day at around 500 cals, and I made a POINT to go get and Addy from a girl I work with. I had to go to her apartment, and while I was there... Lo and behold, my car wouldn't start. Lovely.

I had to call the hubby and he wanted to know why I was all the way across town instead of at the gym like I said I would be. I lied. I don't know if he would care about me taking an Adderall, but I don't want him to know. And I think he would care. I told him I went to the gym with her, and he came a rescued me.

Then yesterday was nuts. Good nuts; not bad nuts.

I took an Adderall a little bit after I woke up, and WOW. I only ate one meal all day (at 7:30pm with the hubby) and I worked my ass off all day.

My goal was to get the house clean, and WOW did I do that. I went nuts cleaning every inch of every surface. I re-organized all 4 closets and the utility room, I vacuumed and mopped and swept every inch of the floors, dusted, did all the dishes, bleached the counters and appliances, hosed down the patio, ran errands, cleaned the bathroom, AND did about 7 loads of laundry (we have a VERY small washing machine). In less than 6 hours.

I felt like I was speed-cleaning, and I couldn't be bothered to eat anything... In fact, I had to set a glass of water near where I was bustling about so I'd remember to drink and not get dehydrated.

It was not the same as the Concerta. With the Adderall, I felt a bit cracked out and a bit shaky, and when I came down my whole body HURT from over-working it. My muscles were SO sore. With the Concerta, I felt a bit more normal. Only more focused and less hungry.

I think time-release is the way to go. I want a prescription for Concerta. I'm hoping to get tested soon and possibly get some.

BUT, all that aside, I weighed in this morning, and I am SO close to 115lbs. I have a feeling if I don't fuck up today (and I won't) I may be there tomorrow.

WHICH means I could be 110lbs by the end of the month or at least very close to then. At least by September 7th.

Oh glorious! And then I'll be thin and gorgeous for my hubby's birthday.

Planned eats today:
B: Waterrr.
L: Yogurt - 100 cals.
D: Beef and veggies - 200 cals.
Total: 300 cals.

Let's attempt to stick to this so that tomorrow we can hit 115lbs, shall we?

I hate weekends

I threw up SO much this weekend. I'm so ashamed. I gave in to Bulimia fully over the past 2 days. It's like I was 16 all over again and hating myself just as much.

My whole body hurts from it. My throat is raw, my head has been aching for 48 hours, and I'm bloated.

Not to mention the laxatives.

I haven't weighed in... I don't want to. I don't want to know how much I fucked up and damaged myself.

What is WRONG with me!? WHY can't I just STOP this!? I'll eat something small and then I can't stop... I eat more and more and then I can't help it - I have to purge it up.

I'm so MAD at myself.

I'm not weighing in until Wednesday. Punishment for the weekend's transgressions.

I have the day off on Tuesday, so tomorrow's priority is to get an Adderall for my day off so I can clean the house and NOT B&P.

Fuck, I hate myself SO much.

I really do.

Almost no food.

This morning the scale said I was down a pound. Still not having the best BMs, so I suspect once that finally goes back to normal I might feel better and weigh less. My stomach looks flatter though, which is nice, and I don't feel so gross today.

My intake yesterday was:
1/2 a slice of veggie cheese bread -@200 cals
1 slice of toast - 100 cals.
Total for the entire day: 300 cals.

And I kid you not, this is all that entered my mouth besides water. I didn't even want food. AND I was home alone all day! Typically = B&P. Not yesterday.

I want more Adderal. And I want to take it on my alone at home days so I don't eat.

Today's planned intake is:
B: Fiber cereal - 100 cals (needed for my digestion!)
S: Diet pill.
L: Yogurt - 110 cals
D: With the family, not to exceed 200 cals.
Total: 410 cals.

I can do this. I'm a tad worried, but I feel amazing after yesterday, and I have GOT to be 115lbs by Monday to reach my goal.

Think thin, ladies!

EDIT:

Stuck to my plan so far, but dinner may be a struggle.

I always seem to binge around my family. Crackers and sweets and all the things I don't buy... They keep stocked.

I'm going to bring some salad under the guise that I need to use it up before it goes bad (not entirely a lie) and hopefully just stick to that and some grilled chicken.

AND I'm going to lie by the pool so maybe I'll feel fat and not eat anything.

Wish me luck!

Black swan and concerta

I just watched Black Swan, and wow. It's so deep and artistic. I was blown away and mesmerized and disturbed all at once.

Amazing.

And speaking of amazing, concerta is amazing.

I did not get hungry at all today until 2:30pm. Not a pang. Then I ate something small (200 cals estimated) and I didn't want any more.

I still don't. Food is unappetizing today. I even tried to eat more than what I ate earlier, and I couldn't. It honestly tasted bad.

Maybe this will stick around until dinner, and I'll decline that as well.

I'm off to take a bubble bath.

Think thin, ladies.

Day off and concerta

SO I took the day off from work today... The past few days I have been SICK.

My digestion is all fucked up.

I tried eating normally for a day and cutting out diet pills, and it didn't help at all... Basically anything I eat lately causes me extreme nausea and intestinal pain. But if I don't eat, it hurts even worse. And gas... Phew is it horrible. I though I may have just eaten something bad, but to be feeling it for 3 days? Doubtful.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong - it's been awful. I suspect a bug was going around work because a lot of the girls have had similar things going on...

Luckily my weight is only up one pound, and if i just do well today and tomorrow and over the weekend, it will be no issue to get rid of that and more.

Then 115lbs and then 110lbs and happiness.

It's still close. This is just a detour along the way. If I weigh 115lbs by Monday, I should still be on track, and though that's a tall order, it's still do-able.

Either way by August 31st, I'll be at a much lower weight than I've been at in a long time, and if it takes ma an additional week to get to my goal weight, so be it... The point is that I get there and stay there.

This morning I actually feel somewhat normal again. But I'm worried, because yesterday I felt great until about halfway through my shift, and then I almost threw up in the trashcan...

I decided to take the concerta I have and see how my day goes. It said online it takes about an hour to kick in about 7 after that before the effects wear off. Buuuut I took a 54mg pill. SO it may take longer... We'll see I guess! Nothing better than experimenting with drugs on your day off! Ha ha!

I'm hoping it will make me not hungry and therefore my body will have the day to work out whatever is fucking up my intestines.

Hope I feel better by the end of the day. I'm going to watch a movie and then see how my energy level is and possibly do some house cleaning.

Hope you all have a great day! Think thin, ladies!

Puffy and planning

I feel gross today. Bloated (Even my lips and fingers are puffy) and my allergies are bad this morning.

My weight didn't go down from yesterday. I haven't had a BM though, and I'm definitely retaining water. And I really need a BM. We switched up dinner plans, and I had some beans/guacamole/veggies last night, and normally that stuff goes right through me, BUT... it didn't.

I'm going to assume today's number on the scale is a fluke and not worry too much. However, no solid food until dinner tonight... And I need to drink LOTS of water. NO soda.

Today's planned eats:
B: Diet pill.
L: Diet pill.
D: Beef & veggies, broiled with no calorie butter spray. @ 225 cals
Total: 250 cals max

I have GOT to stick to this today if I want to lose some of this fucking weight!

Also, I need to do a workout video today because I didn't yesterday like I wanted to since I was at work so late. Shouldn't be the case today.

Well, think thin, ladies.

Calories and drugs

The scale was kind to me this morning. I did not gain from my binge/purge yesterday. Thank heavens.

Today's intake:
B: Diet pill.
L: Turkey wrap - 150 cals
S: Peanuts - 60 cals
D: Beef and zucchini - 200 cals
Total: 410 cals.

Lovely. I would like tomorrow to cut out the snack. Today was hard because I worked a really LONG shift and got desperatey hungry by the end and didn't have any more diet pills with me.

Tomorrow should be a short one and easier to not eat. I have a feeling if I don't fuck it up today I'll be down another pound tomorrow.

Every day I get closer to my goal, and it's amazingggg.

I got a Concerta from a girl at work today. Supposedly it's like Adderall, but doesn't make you cracked out? I read online it's basically the same drug except a lot of people get sleepy from it, but that they have the same concentration and lack of appetite.

I thought I was getting Adderall, but obviously not... I talked to another girl I work with though, and she's getting me some. I told her I want quite a bit and I'll sell what I don't take.

I'm tempted to take the Concerta tomorrow before work, but the fucking pill is 54mg, and considering I've never taken it before... Probably not the best idea. It's the same drug as Ritalin, I've been told.

I guess I'll wait for a day off by myself and see how it goooes! It'll be almost 2 weeks before that happens tho... Shit.

Well, think thin, ladies.

Binge and purge.

Today: fail.

Intake:
Egg whites and veggies - 70
Yogurt - 110
Banana bread - 240
Then a bingey-binge:
Chips - 160
Thai chicken and veggies - 250
Peanuts - 100
More Banana Bread - 200
Yogurt - 100
Nutty bar - 300
Milk - 160
Total: 1,690.

The hubby has left me alone too much today while he worked on the car...

I think I can get most of this up still... Time for a purge.

EDIT:

It's done. And (oddly enough) I feel human again. Pretty sure I got rid of most of the 1,200 calories I consumed in about 30 minutes.

I disgust myself.

This week's goal: Stick to the calorie limit for 5 days straight while I work.

I pray my weight isn't higher tomorrow. I don't want to re-lose what I lost last week.

Loss and drinking rules

Firstly, this link is amazing: Recipe Calculator. It calculates calories in things you cook. Amazing for baking! Also added it to the links on the right navigation.

Now, onto other news...

My weight is down another pound this morning. I'm SO close to 115lbs I can taste it. then 110 is just around the corner! I'm honestly really proud of myself for yesterday because I had the day off alone and I did not binge or purge. That's the first time that's happened in a long time.

My only struggle today could be because the hubby and I have the day off together. Sometimes this equates to more eating than usual, but I'm going to keep it in check!

Planned food:
B: Egg whites and veggies - 100 cals
L: Yogurt - 100 cals
D: Thai chicken and vegetables - 225 cals
Total: 425 cals

Sounds good to meeee! I know I can stick to this.

I was asked about alcoholic drinks, so I'll go over that really quick.

I have rules. Firstly, I think it's important to have drinks you fall back on. Things that you KNOW how many calories are in. I typically allow myself one of three things:

1.) Vodka/tonic or vodka/club soda. I love me some vodka... And these 2 mixers have the lowest calories of any out there. Club soda has ZERO so I'll do that with flavored vodka for about 130 cals a drink, or plain vodka and tonic water for about 160 cals a drink. Yes, it's higher than other things you could drink, but I feel a girl should allow herself a liquor in her life.

2.) Champagne. 90 calories a glass and SO yummy.

3.) Red wine. 105 calories a glass. Also yummy.

If I have to deviate from this for some reason, I stick to the following rules:
1.) No beer. It's the bread of alcohol. And bloat is ugly.
2.) No calories in mixers like juices, sodas, etc. Only tonic, club soda, and diet.
3.) No liqueurs.
4.) No house cocktails/mixed things.

THEN I think it's important to plan for drinking. Calculate how many calories are in the number of drinks you KNOW you will have and then squeeze that into your daily limit.

If you want 2 glasses of champagne at dinner and know you will, have those for 180 cals and a salad for 50, etc. Be realistic. And I never allow myself more than 2 drinks. Typically because at that point I have a significant buzz because I rarely drink and barely eat.

And lastly (and this is a big one) DO NOT DRUNK EAT. I know it's hard and we all slip up, but don't do it. I've had many nights mia-ing in a bar bathroom because fried mushrooms got me. It's not worth it. Ever.

Hope you all have a lovely day! Think thin, ladies!

Food and party contemplation

Down almost 2 pounds since yesterday. Obviously my attempt at making up for Thursday not only worked, but I think the higher intake on Thursday for a day also helped.

Thus, I am decided that once every 5 or 6 days (at least once a week) I'm going to up my calories for a day to jump-start my metabolism. I of course will not eat anything that's not ana-approved type foods, but higher calories for a day will be good I think.

My actual eating yesterday went something like this:
Granola bar - 90
Slice of homemade pizza with FF cheese and pineapple - 200
Salad - 50
Total: 340

Still pretty good!

I've been invited to a girl's birthday at work, and I feel like I should go, but I am so fucking antisocial lately... I'm not even worried about the calorie aspect of it... It's just that I don't enjoy going out that much anymore.

I'm contemplating if I need to force myself for social reasons... I really LIKE the girl and her friends, and I work them half of them... But then I just get more friends that I don't REALLY want to do anything with when they invite me.

I'll see how the hubby feels when he gets home...

Well, I'm going shopping. In an effort to not binge today or purge in any way, I'm going to leave the house. And not leave the shops until 2:30pm, putting me home at 3pm, and then I can have something small.

Planned today:
Yogurt - 110 cals
Tilapia - 90 cals
Mango salsa - 75 cals
Asparagus - 30 cals
Total: 305

I've noticed that my days off are the most difficult, and I think it's because I'm not occupied by anything... I just have hours to do whatever I like and no deadlines or things I should focus on. At work I stay busy, don't have access to food (ironically enough... I work in a restaurant.) and I move around a lot so I don't get bored.

SO, we're going to mimic this today. Some hustling around town will have to do.

Think thin, ladies!

Questions answered and the like

To answer some questions from lately:

I'm 5'4" and I stay under 500 calories a day. Typically I shoot for only eating a 200-250 cal dinner and then something small before if I absolutely have to. If I have to break this, (friend/family obligations and the like where I can't control the intake as well, eating out, etc.) I NEVER go over 1,000kcal. Not even on binge days (Because I purge it. Duh.)

And to clarify, I am not at 110lbs yet... 110lbs is my next goal weight. I don't want to divulge my current weight because it's hideous... I will announce when I hit 115lbs. Ha ha!

BUT!

I SHOULD be at 110lbs by August 31st or sooner, for sure.

Typically I lose a pound a day when I restrict like I have been... Every few days I may go a day where I don't lose anything, so I estimate 5 pounds a week minimum if I stick to this.

I have plenty of wiggle-room for my current weight to get to 110lbs by end of month. And I'm going to do it, and I'm going to post pictures and feel more confident about my body and self!

Yesterday's intake was a bit higher than I wanted it to be... Wes and Noel came over and I ate a bit too much... I don't really know where I ended the day because I purged a bit.

This morning my weight hadn't changed since yesterday, SO I'm making up for it today.

So far I haven't had a bite today.

Planned:
Yogurt: 110 cals
Piece of Tilapia: 90 cals
Asparagus: 30 cals
Mango salsa: 75 cals
Total: 305 cals

I feel amazing.

Weight loss and awakening

Down another pound this morning... The August plan is working, and I'm estimating that I could be to my goal my the end of the month EASY.

110 pounds would be so amazing.

I've lost a few pounds over the past week and I've got to say even those 5 or 6 make my body look different. My stomach is a bit flatter, my ribs show a bit more, hip bones are reappearing, and collarbones are popping out a bit more.

It makes me feel so RELIEVED.

I basically got married last year at my lowest weight ever (112lbs on wedding day - my dress was too big.) And then went away on my honeymoon and though I TRIED to eat well, the drinking got to me and I weighed 117lbs when I got home.

Then life got a bit messed up, flipped upside down and messy. We moved, we've struggled with jobs (I'm on my 4th one since Jan 1st.) and my eating got away from me. I lost control of EVERYTHING.

I gained and settled at 123lbs. Disgusting. Where was 112? Where was the 2 pounds away from the ultimate goal weight? Gone. Eleven pounds gone.

Now I'm closer. I'm regaining my strength. My control.

In 2 pounds I'll be the lowest I've been in over a year.

Then 110 is just around the corner.

I'm excited. Honestly, nothing will stop me now. I'm ready for 110. I'm tired of being fat.

Think thin, ladies.

Oh, and PS... Don't worry about me hanging out with Hypno-guy. I woke up this morning and the first thought in my head was, "What the fuck is wrong with you Cally!?"

I think sometimes not eating makes my brain fuzzy and my decision-making receptors clogged.

Low cals and hypnotizing.

Intake today:
B: 2 Diet Pills
L: Icee and Salad - 200
D: Chicken Sandwich - 215
Total: 415 calories.

I'm proud.

Plans for tomorrow have been all OVER the place as of the past few days. First I was going to make a shopping day of it, THEN my parent's were going to come visit us, and NOW Noel and Wes are coming tomorrow. The boys are going to work on the car and we're all going to have dinner.

So now my plan for tomorrow is to CLEAN THE HOUSE!

And then have dinner. And only ONE yogurt beforehand. And I had a stroke of genius and bought some Corn tortillas so I can have those tomorrow instead of flour. (MUCH lower in calories.)

In other news, there's a regular customer at my job that wants to take me shopping. Shoe shopping to be specific... How weird is that???

Apparently this guy is weird in general... He comes in on an almost daily basis. He asks for BLONDE girls every time. He eats a ten dollar meal and tips twenty dollars IF the girl "hypnotizes" him.

I'm not kidding.

He basically just wants you to count down from ten to one and "relax" him. Then he does whatever you say. He wants you too tell him what to call you and what to do. How much to tip and what to say back to you and how to feel... I honestly think he just has a fetish.

However (and I know this is going to sound HORRID, but it's MY blog, so here goes...) I'm really tempted to take him up on the shopping.

I'm SO broke lately, the dude is LOADED, and I honestly don't feel scared of him. He's a bit of a pathetic individual. He's an accountant for God's sake.

The issue is that it COULD be dangerous. And I wouldn't want to tell anyone about it, SO... See the dilema?

I don't know why I'm contemplating, but he said he would give me $100. That's a bit of money to me lately... And I'm tempted to see how far he would take it. You know? Like make him buy me loads of stuff and see if he would go along with it.

Then I could return everything and get the moneyyyy. Ha ha!

We'll see. I'm still undecided. I don't know why I'm contemplating in the first place, hanging out with a fucking weirdo, but I am.

Alas. Money IS the root of all evil.

Well, gotta run. Hope you're all having an amazing day!

Think thin, ladies!

A little more on diet pills and life in general

Mega T is the name brand of the green tea diet pills.

Almost every store here in the US (ie Wal-Mart, Walgreens, CVS) has them and a generic brand as well. I compared the boxes and made sure the ingredients were the same and bought the generic brand for about $10 less.

Hope they work wonders for you ladies!

They're definitely working for me... And I'm pretty sure my stomach shrank QUITE a bit recently because I'm hardly ever hungry.

Yesterday's intake:
B: 2 diet pills.
L: Frozen Yogurt - 100 & Granola - 90
D: Wheat bread, Turkey, Veggies - 250
Total: 440

This morning I'm on my PERIOD and the scale still says I've lost. In a few pounds I'll be back to the weight I was the beginning of my wedding week and then another week or so and I'll be back down to 112lbs.

Then 110lbs is juuust around the corner.

Bliss.

Tonight may be rough for me. Noel and Wes are coming over and we're supposed to have tacos for dinner. Luckily I'm cooking so I know what's in everything. The plan is one taco, with as little tortilla as possible and a side of FF beans with loads of veggies. And NO CHIPS!

Planned:
Ground beef: 1/4 cup - 180 cals
Veggies - 20 cals
FF Sour Cream - 20 cals
1/4 cup FF Refried beans - 45 cals
Total: 300-ish

I'm going to have JUST yogurt before they come for 100 cals. Putting my day at 400 and then I have a bit of wiggle room. :-)

I hope it's a nice visit! Sometimes I enjoy hanging out with them and sometimes I don't... Let's hope today goes well.

Think thin ladies!

More on the diet pills.

As requested, more on the green tea diet pills:

Disclaimer: this is how these pills make ME feel. I'm sure it could be different for different people.

They honestly DO make me less hungry. You're supposed to take them with food, but I never do. (Der.)

I don't ever feel any really horrible side effects. I suppose if you didn't have much caffeine in your diet on a daily basis, you'd probably get the shakes, but who of us can live without caffeine? They make me a bit jittery occasionally but no more than a sugar-free Red Bull does.

I do NOT get the shakes, do NOT crash from them, and they honestly make me have energy and curb my hunger quite a bit... I mean, you'll still be hungry if you don't eat. That's inevitable no matter what you take. I just find that I don't notice it as much. The nagging isn't as strong and my stomach doesn't get as flip-floppy.

I recommend them! If you're doing well with restricting already, they'll help. If you're NOT doing so well, I'd say they probably won't make that much of a difference, except I DO find that I lose slightly more slightly more quickly when I take them.

Hope this helps, ladies! Think thin!

Diet Pills

I use Green Tea diet pills for those that were asking. I'm not sure what brand they were... I always pour them into a woman's daily vitamin bottle so that no one knows what I'm specifically taking. However, I know they're the cheaper off-brand ones that have all the same ingredients as the Mega T ones.

I've been contemplating trying Stacker lately because a girl I work with uses them and SWEARS by them.

Maybe once I'm out of these I will switch and try them... Hm. We'll see!

I'm SO tired today. I feel like insomnia hits me HARD when I'm barely eating. I should have taken a pill to fall asleep earlier in the evening but didn't until about 11:30pm and didn't pass out until after midnight. SO waking up early didn't happen.

My parents are coming to visit mid-week. I'm not thrilled. However I'll play it by ear.

Probably ruins my Thursday plan. :-/

Grrr.....

Well, everyone have a good day! Think thin.

Weekend nightmare

I did a lot of eating this weekend... And a LOT of throwing up.

I cannot go to my parents' house without eating my brains out. Everything in sight... I ate.

And then I purged. SO many times I thought my eyes were going to pop out and my throat was going to swell shut and that my head was going explode.

I don't know why I can't stop it.

I eat. Uncontrollably. And then when I feel SO full I can't handle it any longer, I sneak away and purge. Then a few hours later, I do it again.

Luckily I didn't gain anything over the weekend. And if I manage to stick to my plan over the next week, I'll lose even more this week.

No more staying at my parents' house for a while. I can't keep doing that to my body. It wasn't enjoyable at all.

But, weird enough, I don't feel guilty about it. It's horrible. Whenever I go there, that little girl who can't handle herself comes out and I LOSE IT.

But! I must put the weekend behind me and focus on making the rest of the week great!

Today's intake:
FF Yogurt - 100
Ham - 15
Tomato - 10
Cheese - 10
FF Dressing - 7
Peppers - 5
Total: 150

I'll have some steak and veggies tonight as well for about another 200.

So, 350 for the day? Fuck yes.

My diet pills really make me not hungry. They've been SO amazing. One in the morning and one about halfway through my shift at work... Snack when I get home and then dinner with the hubby that looks fairly normal.

Amazingggg. I'll lose this fucking weight in no time.

Thursday is the only thing I'm worried about because I have to day off...

SO, the plan there: I have a $10 card for a store AND 2 free VS pantie cards AND a reeeally awesome retail store is opening at the mall here and giving away stuff to the first 100 people in line... SO I'm contemplating doing that all day.

What better way to not eat than to get to a store at the crack of dawn and wait in line to get free stuff? Ha ha!

Think thin ladies!

Finally losing

Yesterday's intake was amazing.

I weighed in this morning and I was down QUITE a bit from the last time I weighed in.

I'm on a mission, ladies. My plan is to eat healthy and exercise as much as possible during August. The entire month. I know I can get down to 110lbs by the end of the month (honestly in about 2 weeks if I REALLY put my mind to it!) and still have some amazing weather days to wear warm weather clothes. (The climate where I live now is pretty much hot year round!)

I feel like I've wasted my entire summer being fat, and I won't have any more of it. Winter will be short, and it's back to warm weather clothes. Halloween is right around the corner, and I would love to be able to wear something that shows my stomach and not feel like a fucking porker.

Time to make it happen. No excuses or wussing out.

The plan today:
B: 2 diet pills.
L: Icee - 130 cals.
S: Granola bar - 90 cals.
D: Salad and Fish - 150 cals.
Total: 370 cals.

If I manage to do this today, tomorrow's number should be even LOWERRR!

I can do it. I'm ready.

Think thin, ladies!

Foggy

Today's intake:
B: 2 diet pills.
L: Small coke icee and granola bar. @ 200 cals.
D: We'll see...

I feel so empty right now. Slightly foggy in the brain and indecisive... Runing on caffeine and whatever drugs are in my diet pills....

I love this feeling.

I may skip dinner.

I wish I had some weed to lull me to sleep. Guess a Benadryl and a beer might do the trick? 300 cals today, only 90 solid?

Mmmm... Yes, please.

Lazy

I am a fat, disgusting cow.

I ate way too much yesterday. I was extremely lazy and did not do a damn thing.

Plan of attack to redeem myself today:
B: Oatmeal - 100 cals
S: Fiber bar - 90 cals
L: Salad - 100 cals
D: Chicken and veggies - 200 cals.
Total: 490 cals.

I've decided to not gym it up today. My muscles are sore, sore, sore, and even though I didn't go yesterday, I'm giving it a break and cleaning the rest of my house today which is still not accomplished from Wednesday.

If I get that done by 5pm, I can do a video at home before the hubby gets home.

I'm mad at myself, but I will not get discouraged. I will break through this plateau, I will tone my body, and I will lose some damn weight if it kills me. Today I will utilize to catch up so that the rest of the week I can focus on ME and losing what I need to lose.

Okay, good pep talk. Off to get ready for work.

Think thin, ladies!