Want to die

I want to die. I welcome the moment. I’d rather die than drag myself through the days ahead. I’m tired. I’m sick. I’m so depressed that I’ve thought about checking myself in somewhere. But I’m not allowed to be at this point in life. I need to do better. I need to not be depressed. So. How do I do that, specifically? 

I hate myself

 I’m fucking everything up. My binging is out of control. I can’t stop purging. I can’t stop taking whatever I can get my hands on. I can’t force myself to go to work. My mental health is in the fucking toilet and idk what to do about it. 

I hate my parents and my husband. I hate all the bills I have to pay and how bipolar I am all the time. I hate the looming baby in my future that is making me put certain things off, and I hate my body. I hate this fucking pandemic. I hate everyone who ever wants anything from me. I just want to not be important to anything or anyone ever. I want to just disappear. 

I have the worst diarrhea of my life and I can’t help but think I did it to myself somehow. I don’t know how tho...

And I really did intend to go to work today. I fucking hate myself. 

Tired

My attendance at work has improved. My management of my second job has improved. My weed smoking has improved. My weight has not. And my relationships are all in the toilet  

I’m so defeated, and I feel like there are only like 3 people on the planet that I actually like right now and one of them is my child and two of them are my best friends. My husband and parents and everyone else I have to come into contact with on a daily basis are on my shit list. The world is my shit list. 

I have no patience, I’m having pain issues, my anxiety is so severe that my panic attacks are bad lately. I have to get medical testing done, and when you look it up every website says cancer or surgery. And I’m trying to use cognitive things to manage stress rather than substances. It’s not an easy battle on weeks like this. 

I told myself no more weed and that I can only use benzos on the weekends when the step kids are here. I think that’s a good balance for now. I have stuck to it pretty well overall. But I’m tired. 

I’m tired of people always pushing me right to my breaking point before they stop. I’m tired of my job being a place where I’m surrounded by fucking morons that make my life harder. I’m tired of my husband being a moody little bitch because of any reason he can find. I’m tired of my mom using guilt as a weapon and acting like a fucking victim. I’m tired of my dad being the biggest fucking pushover I know. I’m tired of enjoying clients more than my friends. I’m tired of not seeing my real friends. Im tire of my body not being what I need or want it to be. I’m tired of not drinking. I’m tired of being in a relationship and being a wife and a stepmom. I’m tired of dealing with everyone else’s selfish agenda every waking moment of my life and no one ever stopping to make sure I’m ok.

News flash. I’m not ok.

I want to take my baby and run away and start over. Maybe I will once he starts school.

All this over a fucking football game.