It’s still ok

Almost fucked up this morning. 

Home alone with weed and no big meals for like 5 days. My brain was pushing me to eat a big meal. I talked myself down to a medium meal. I burned it. I ate a small meal. 

Beans, egg whites, salsa - 120 cals

I have been being social again, doing things… I feel like I’ve gotten a dose of my old life a bit. Hung out with Ham last night and had the best time and didn’t lose myself in calories. Still under 700 for the day even with eating out and having a drink. Today I’m reuniting with Raw, and I can’t even express my excitement… there will also be no food there so no worries. 

I’m going to watch Ana approved tv and have a coffee. Think thin. 

Fatty fat fat

I am fat. Fat fat fat. Fatfatfatfatfat. 

My stomach can suck a dick - I’m not eating. 

That is all. 

Have a nice day, and think thin. 

Losing

I’m losing. 

I need to desperately - 20lbs more right now. I can do that. I did that in the past in 3 weeks. I don’t expect my body to even be able to drop it that quickly now, but it’s been cooperating nicely. 

Today’s eats:

B: coffee and oatmeal - 80 cals

L: chicken salad and lettuce - 130 cals

S: celery and dip - 40 cals

D: chicken and spaghetti squash - 230 cals

Total: 480 cals

It’s amazing. I feel amazing. I have tons of safe foods prepped. I have all the things I need to be successful. 

I’m going to take a bath and drink a sleepy tea and take a sleepy pill and go to bed before hunger pangs strike. 

Hi Ana

Today’s eats:

B: oatmeal - 100 cals

L: tostada with beans - 100 cals

D: zuccchini with turkey sauce - 350 cals

Total: 550 cals

I’m back. 

I feel good this evening. I’m ready to kill off this far girl that’s been living in my body. I’ll manage the shakes. I’ll manage the pangs and distractions. I can still do surprisingly well at work even when deprived of food. 

I want the starved look. The look where you know someone lost weight in unhealthy ways quickly. It’s powerful. It shows people that you have willpower and self control and dedication. I’m tired of girls at the beach looking at me to alleviate their own insecurities. I’m tired of this shit body. 

My weight wasn’t terrible today. Well it’s terrible, but not more horrifying than I expected. Tomorrow will be even better. TT. 

Ana can come back

Reasons my sex drive is low:

It’s hard to want to fuck someone who’s so fucking miserable every moment and criticizes you constantly. 

It’s getting boooooring.  

My body is not what I want it to be right now. 

I’m literally so fucking tired every moment. 

The begging and whining about it when I know we have plenty of it is getting sooo old and pathetic. 

I need to lose weight. 

I saw pictures of myself at the beach. It was awful. I’m fat as fuck and hate my body. I am ugly and not a person who carries any extra weight well. I don’t think I’ve ever looked worse except that I just lost 20lbs already… I can’t imagine how bad I looked at that point. 

In light of this, I’m going to get serious. I’m going to let myself get disordered. I’m going to follow the rules. 

I purged twice on vacation weekend. I binged several times leading up to it. 

I’ve been blowing off my therapist. I know she can see if I read a message, so I haven’t been reading them. Eventually I’ll just get another one. Maybe. First this. “It’s never been my goal to stop restricting.”

Breakfast:

-Coffee with Splenda, apple. 

Snack:

-Supplements 

Lunch:

-100 calorie meal

Dinner: 

-Meat and veg 

Dessert:

-Hot tea

Total: 350 on good days. 500 max. 

Take meds, don’t smoke, drink water, ignore hunger, try to move body. 

One last hurrah? Think thin. 

Intensity that is me

Still broke. 

I hate my therapist. 

Idk what to do about it. I don’t know if it’s valid. When I tell people, they say it is, but why is it always so impossible for me to find one I like?? She’ll be the 3rd one in the past couple years. The first one didn’t give me any input whatsoever, the second one seemed to have no idea what to tell me, and now this one talks too much and says she “completely understands,” which is fucking completely not true. 

My weight is dropping. Slowly but surely. When I don’t smoke, my appetite is moderated by my Wellbutrin, and I don’t binge. But then I can’t get the relaxation I need, and I’m fucking tense all the time and irritable. Ideally I need to be able to smoke moderately. 

But idk if I can. 

Tonight I purged, because the past 24 hours stressed me the fuck out, and dinner wasn’t sitting well. 

I am in such a funk. 

Idk what I really want to do about my eating disorder. My homework in therapy is making me really realize this. I am pretty ok with it when the result is loss. And I desperately need to lose. I need to get back to a place where I’m comfortable. It’s been years stuck and feeling miserable. 

I hate myself and this fucking body I live in. 

Can I eat moderately, smoke moderately, and get to a moderately decent weight?? 

Why the fuck am I always so intense??