I hate my therapist.
Idk what to do about it. I don’t know if it’s valid. When I tell people, they say it is, but why is it always so impossible for me to find one I like?? She’ll be the 3rd one in the past couple years. The first one didn’t give me any input whatsoever, the second one seemed to have no idea what to tell me, and now this one talks too much and says she “completely understands,” which is fucking completely not true.
My weight is dropping. Slowly but surely. When I don’t smoke, my appetite is moderated by my Wellbutrin, and I don’t binge. But then I can’t get the relaxation I need, and I’m fucking tense all the time and irritable. Ideally I need to be able to smoke moderately.
But idk if I can.
Tonight I purged, because the past 24 hours stressed me the fuck out, and dinner wasn’t sitting well.
I am in such a funk.
Idk what I really want to do about my eating disorder. My homework in therapy is making me really realize this. I am pretty ok with it when the result is loss. And I desperately need to lose. I need to get back to a place where I’m comfortable. It’s been years stuck and feeling miserable.
I hate myself and this fucking body I live in.
Can I eat moderately, smoke moderately, and get to a moderately decent weight??
Why the fuck am I always so intense??
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