Drained

I cannot wait until my mother does not know where I live.

Today was absolute garbage. I had to rehome the kitten I got for my husband for his birthday because he was a little shit that was terrorizing my cat. I am not recovered from RoevWade. My husband and children were all in terrible funks, and I had to hear all about the cunt’s house, because I can’t make my own suffering more than my kiddo’s. Then the mom texts rolled in. I should just anticipate at this point that any time I’m having a shit day and feeling fragile that she will reach out to me to ruin my day a bit further. 

She must be dying with how she’s acting. She wants me to let it all go or be the bad guy in this, and neither of those options are fair to me whatsoever. She wanted to know if I have any love for her. I don’t even know. I just know that tonight I hate her. 

I already don’t want to exist tomorrow. My head hurts. 

Same.

I'm exhausted by the redundancy of it all. I'm tired.

I don't know if my antidepressants are helping me. I'm not sure because I can't stop smoking weed. I wasted my entire day yesterday being mentally checked out and focusing on food. I took laxatives to ruin my day today. I'm so sick of binging and purging. I'm so sick of feeling like garbage.

I'm so tired of doing this to myself. 

I realized last night laying in bed feeling like garbage that I hate my body. It's not just how it looks - I hate it in general. Yes, I REALLY hate how it looks, but I also hate all the details of it - my hair, nose, skin, allergies, stomach issues... I hate that it gave me a child with needs beyond what I'm capable of. I hate this chemically imbalanced brain and my hormone issues. I could make a list as long as my fat arms that explain every single part of it that I hate. I feel trapped in it. 

I feel like exercise is something I really need to get a handle on, and it's hard because to exercise you have to focus on your body, and I hate doing that so much that I avoid it. I avoid mirrors. I avoid buying clothes, putting on makeup, listening to compliments. I wish I could swap this body for someone else's. 

I don't know when it got this bad, but I need to figure out a way to shift this. 

I have to give up smoking for the rest of my life. 

Fuckfuckfuck

Can’t. Stop. Hating. Me. 

Can’t. Stop. Feeling. Suicidal. 

Can’t stop eating. 

I wish I could die die die die die. 

I won’t kill myself, but damn. 

Why can’t I enjoy my life?? Like ever…

Blah on the screen

I’m trying to get myself back on track. It has not been a good week…

I won’t rant about my husband anymore. I know he tries; he just also exhausts me. I’m so hot and cold about him, it’s tragic. I wonder if he feels the same. I feel like we don’t like each other lately. I wish I could fix it. Idk how in our current situation. 

My mom is dying, apparently. I feel badly that I don’t care. I feel badly that my brother never built a life without them, so once she’s gone he will suffer more. I feel badly that my dad will fall off the wagon in a burning blaze of glory once she’s gone. I feel badly that my kids don’t get a grandmother. I don’t feel badly for myself at all… I don’t even miss her, and that’s really sad. It’s also shocking that she knows she is dying and can’t even say sorry. She will take it all to her grave that I probably won’t visit more than once. And maybe the recent events won’t be the end for her, but the end will come and all this will be aplicable at that time regardless. 

I need to lose weight. I don’t care anymore about the health of it. I will restrict and purge for a bit. 1,000 max a day is the goal, or else you throw it up. Fuck you, Cally. Yesterday was good. Today is good so far. If I’m going to have disordered behavior regardless, that makes me feel like absolute shit, then it might as well be behavior that makes me look better.

I need to work out. I am not as strong as I need to be. My body is weaker than it’s ever been, and I don’t like it. I need to keep some flexibility and strength. I need to figure out how to make that happen for myself. 

I wish I had a fucking personal trainer. 

Who fucking cares

Suicidal for days, and the husband won’t stop nagging. 

He used to be nice. He used to act like he liked me. He has no fucking empathy. He’s mean.

I have nothing. I have friends I never see because I’m too poor and embarrassed to see them, a body that I don’t want, a husband who hates the world and his family, parents who are hateful and going to die with their pride intact, and kids who just create a huge amount of emotional work for me. 

I can’t spend $20 in my life without comments. I can’t tell him anything without him being critical. I fucking hate him. I genuinely don’t want him. He makes everyone miserable around him - he’s like a fucking cancer. 

“Nobody wants him” was right. I don’t know why I thought it would be different. I should have chosen a different path. 

All relationships are garbage. I want to be away from all people. They are all terrible. I want to take baby and run away forever. That’s the plan one day. Just 14 more years to go. 

Fuck it all.

My mood is fucking terrible. Idk why. I think focusing on my issues is making them larger. Therapy just hurts so far and I keep piecing together shit that’s related to my shitty fucking mother whom I hate. 

I’m suicidal. Depressed. Eating disordered. Feeling like a terrible person. Hurt for my hurt little baby. So scared for the future.

That’s the real one. I’m so scared for the future. 

I guess my end plan can always been the case… I just wouldn’t know who to leave and who should go. There are the two connections I can’t sever. My life is so complicated…

I hate myself. I truly do, and I wish it were not the case. But I’m pretty sure I’m not lovable unless I change. I feel like he’s waiting for me to be lovable. I think I used to be more lovable… now I’m just fucking tired all the time and dismayed with how much I’m like my mom. 

So yeah. I hate myself.