Hating him for a decade

I hate when he gets like this. And morbidly, I’m almost used to it.

Ranting, crying, texting, not holding back, headaches, slamming doors, pointing fingers… I’m so exhausted. I don’t want to keep doing these things with him.

No more slamming doors tho. That startled him. Never doing that again. 

I’m so tired of fucking trauma bullshit being the reason for all this. I’m tired of trying to be understanding and not being listened to about anything when I know what the fuck I’m talking about. I’m tired of being encouraging, trying to keep him happy, and forgiving him for the same old shit. I’m tired of his defensiveness and resistance and refusal. I’m tired of him acting like I’m too hard on him when I’m honest and like I’m driving him away somehow and it’s my fault we’re in this situation all the fucking time. 

I WANT MY GODDAM RING BACK.

I’m so tired of him acting like I’m not good enough when the reality of this situation is that I’m too good for him… I had a lot of really good options in my life. I still could, and I know it. I know how to manipulate and play the game if I really wanted to. I could be having so much fun… 

Meanwhile, he has no one else. No one. People get tired of him because he’s so fucking exhausting. 

Yeah I might have some weight I need to lose, but that’s doable. You can’t change your fucking character. 

I’m just waiting to see if the moment comes. The moment where, with absolute clarity, I know what I need to do. I know it’ll come. So I wait. 

And in the meantime, I get thin and cute. 

550 calories today. My nails are done, hair is cut, and I already fit back into clothes I did before. I had a great day until I had to interact with him. 

I can’t fucking wait for him to go out of town so I can get drunk. In 48 hours, I am going to drink so much vodka. I’m going to not eat all day and then float away on a river of vodka. 

Thin dreams, lovers.