I’ve caught a terrible cold. And being pregnant, there’s almost nothing I can take for it. I feel so completely and utterly miserable. I’m draining my PTO taking off Friday and Monday and don’t even care. It’s worsening my depression. My emotions are out of contol. I’m mean, and I know I am, but having even a single conversation overwhelms me to the point where I want every person on the planet to just leave me alone.
I’m tired of my life right now.
Going back to Oville to see everyone was nice, and a lovely visit, but at the same time, I’m homesick. I loved it there. I miss living there. I hate the fucking town we’re in. I’ve always hated it. And I know it’s short-lived, and we’re suppsed to move in December, but I am beyond tired of it here. I dislike every element of this place, and I know the next town isn’t going to be THAT much better for two years. I just keep my eyes on the horizon that we will be buying a house once hubby is done with school and make an effort to support him at much as I can in that. But the prospect of it all drains me.
My job is annoying. I am not particularly enjoying my current small caseload, and the transition to summer has been rough. They’re also making a lot of departmental changes that are terribly unreasonable to me, and I don’t love it at this moment. I’m trying not to think about it super long-term at the moment, because I know my maternity leave is a mere 3 months away and then who knows what I’ll return to in January. I told myself if I started to hate it, I would take appropriate steps, but I’m not there yet. I have just been doing the bare minimum and trying to balance how I feel and what I need to be doing. Some days I don’t think I’m doing things well, but I also think that sometimes it just needs to be good enough.
My parents and I are still not speaking, and if I’m honest, I prefer this. It’s sad but true. They add so much additional stress to my life that hasn’t been there. I’ve done a lot of reflecting and reading through this current ordeal, and I don’t have any doubt that they were emotionally abusive and sometimes still are. They made a commitment not to abuse my brother and I and to stop that cycle in the family, and while there were few instances of physical abuse in my childhood home (though there were still a few) the way they treated us was definitely not healthy. The sad part is, I think they thought it was. They did their best, I guess, but a huge part of me is resentful that they didn’t change things or seek help and just let their shit fuck us up in some ways. They decided to break the cycle on their own and didn’t do a good job of that. They should have sought counseling or help outside of just each other. There were so many things in my childhood that I now know were so very wrong. It makes me terrified that I’ll be that way with my children. I know the situation needs resolution eventually, but every time I think about it, I don’t know what to do, so I just leave it. I have too many other things going on to manage currently.
It’s hard with my stepkids right now. It’s always been hard with them, because I have to hold them at arms length. They’re not mine, and they never will be. We have a decent blended family, but it’s not what I want, or what I would choose, and I make the best of it, but I see things I don’t like, and I’m powerless to influence. They’re not being raised properly, and I see the symptoms and results of that every time I spend time with them. There are things about their behavior that I absolutely hate, but my comments do nothing to adjust it when they’re being fed the opposite at home. It’s hard for me to have patience. Lately, I have none, and I know that. Pregnancy is draining my niceness. Or maybe just life is... I’m glad they’re older and can manage some things on their own, but they also resist that. They demand to be spoiled and try to manipulate things if they’re not. I see it and am powerless to stop it, except to make sure I don’t always give in. My husband’s reaction is bad sometimes. He says things that are inappropriate out of frustration, and I say things to him, but I really worry that he is going to be too much like my parents. He’s not abusive, but kind of... he doesn’t mean the way things come out, but he was abused also...
Lately he is the only thing keeping me sane, and the past few days with me being sick has been beyond rough. He does not handle me being ill very well. He’s used to me doing the shopping, cooking, maintaining of things, and that didn’t happen this weekend. I tried to help, but I’m a mess. It strains us and him, and I can’t do much about it except fix things once I feel better.
My anxiety has been through the roof, and it’s stopping me from all the new baby things I really need to be doing... I need to plan my baby shower, find a pediatrician, read my baby book... and take my exam. I have a running to do list that just gets longer while life throws a bunch of other shit at me.
I think I need to talk to someone. I have a whole trimester left and I don’t feel like I’m managing well.
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