I’m exhausted. I cannot catch my breath or a break.
My parents are psycho. And unfortunately, I’m too tired of dealing with it to the point where I don’t care if they’re in my life or not. It’s sad but true. Right now I’m just letting there be distance. I don’t know what else to do. They’re so insanely mean to my husband-he doesn’t deserve it. And somehow they don’t understand that’s going to affect how I feel about them. They owe him a massive apology that I fear he will never get. He doesn’t want them around until he gets it, and I don’t know how to handle it at this time because I honestly think they don’t realize how in the wrong they are. I’m so stuck in the middle it’s terrible.
My cat is missing. And I’m extremely anxious about it. We left for two days and when we got home, she was nowhere to be found. It’s been days. I put up flyers and posted her online. I want her back. Yesterday the hubby and I both cried about it. I get sidetracked with worry that I can’t shake, have fits of crying, and can’t sleep because I think about her and cry. The first night I sat on the back steps sobbing at 1am. I’ve been trying to hide it from the hubby, but I’ve had several breakdowns.
My job is stressful, but I’ve just stopped caring. I have a short timers mentality right now because of how far along my pregnancy is. I know there’s more I could do, but I don’t feel the need to rush it or push too hard. I’m just handling things one week at a time and waiting to see how summer plays out. I know I don’t want to be there forever, but it’s a great job for this area, so I need to maintain until I’m licensed and the hubs is out of school and we can move.
Financially we’re struggling a bit, and the hubby just found out that one of his jobs might be gone for about 2 months over the summer. It’s about $800 of our monthly income which we can’t afford to live without. We’re trying to save for my unpaid 12 week maternity leave and it’s racking up our credit card too crazy high. The number is about $3,000 more than I’m comfortable with. Recently there have just been a couple things where I charged stuff rather than go without. Once he gets financial aid, we’ll be more managed, but we have to stop spending so much. We went on a couple trips we couldn’t really afford and shouldn’t have because now the fucking cat is gone... It’s out of hand because of doctor bills and trying to save, but I need to stop charging anything at all. If hubby knew the amount, he would freak out at me. I think it’s been my way of coping a bit. Not good tho...
My pregnancy has been rough this month in addition to all this... My hip hurts insanely badly. I think I’m having SPD, and I need to talk to my doctor about it at my next appointment. My body is always sore. And I still can’t stop throwing up frequently. I have days where that’s all I do. I feel like my mind is clearer lately, but I’m also stressed and emotional. It’s a fucking rollercoaster that I don’t want to be on anymore.
I hate everything right now. I just want the world to stop so I can get off. I need my husband around more. I need sleep. I need my cat back. I need money. I need relief.
Tuesday I took the day off work because I was so depressed. I was too depressed to be anything to anyone or even leave the house. I literally stayed in bed all day. I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t even feed the stepkids an actual lunch. I yelled out my bedroom door that they could eat junk food and went back to sleep. They’re old enough to make themselves lunch, but I couldn’t be around anyone. I said I felt sick and holed up and didn’t come out. I didn’t get out of bed really until 5pm. And then I was grumpy, annoyed, and not good to be around. I literally just could not function.
I know it’s worrying the hubby because I’m prego. He’s concerned my terrible mood will affect the baby. I’m worried too and trying to mentally get myself right, but fuck it’s hard right now.
And my weight is creeping up and my belly is growing daily. Everyone tells me I “look so cute” and how I’m having “a belly only pregnancy” but I feel like a whale. I’ve gained the appropriate amount and haven’t a stretch mark in sight but FUCK the number on the scale is triggering. I want it starve myself and feel hungry and not have a baby to worry about. I want my body back. I’m tempted on the daily to switch to diet mode, but I’m trying to just be nice to my body and baby right now... it’s fucking hard. I know I’ll have to gain a bit more, and I’ll be able tuo lose it once the baby is out, so I just keep reminding myself that I only have about 15 weeks left. Even if I gain 15 more pounds, I know what I’m capable of with weight loss. And I know that in the 3 months of maternity leave, I can have most of my baby weight completely gone. My goal is by new year to be where I want to be. I can do it.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent, blogger world. It’s been a rough week. One more workday and it’s time for a rest.
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