Lately things

Tried to post on social media today. Panicked and deleted it. Couldn’t decide on breakfast for two hours. Couldn’t decide on lunch for two hours. Skipping dinner. Took a handful of various pills instead. 

I am always so fucking anxious. And fibro is kicking my was. 

It’s the 1st, and I haven’t paid rent or about $800 worth of bills for last month. Can’t do shit about it. Can’t pick up my $11 rx, because I have $9 to my name til Monday. And then I’m only getting $400. I’m so fucking tired of being poor. We’re doing worse both working, because dumb shit keeps coming up. I need to really buckle down this month and demand to work more. We discussed a schedule that should work. I just need cooperation. 

I’m so tired all the time. Mentally and physically. I get in my head beating myself up about it, but objectively there is a lot of shit that I have to deal with. Too much. That I can’t do anything about. I just hope it gets better soon. The baby going to school so that I can basically double my income is what I’m holding my breath for. Because right now I can’t pay my $1,500 taxes at all.

I’m kind of terrified to even get hopeful about it this school for him. It seems to be too good to be true. It’s a program he was recruited for, and I worry he won’t get in. Because in my mind, the 40 hours he will be there a week means a taste of freedom for the first time in 4 years. And maybe, just maybe, I can go on a date with my husband and take the occasional secret afternoon off that no one needs to know about and have a little money to shop with. I’m so hopeful for those things I could start crying. 

But in the meantime, the benzos are treating me well. No weed is working well. I feel better lately and am finding a rhythm with taking them.m. I think I’m doing quite well on the majority of days lately, which is an improvement. I might be held together with pharmaceuticals and toddler hugs, but for right now, that’s fine with me. I have noticed that I am feeling a lot more emotional lately, and I think it’s actually a good thing. I’ve been processing a lot. Grieving a lot. I think I was dulling with weed for so long and now that I’m not I’m actually being emotionally productive. 

It feels pretty good. 

I felt so fucking good last night at middle kid’s game. It was like a part of me that’s been missing for years is suddenly back. She’s poorer and fatter and older and more awkward, but she is returning. She feels out of place, but the jealous stares from other moms feels good. Running up and down the stadium looking fit feels good. Having an outfit to wear feels good. Having a cute haircut feels good. Yelling and cheering in the windy weather felt good. Living is getting easier. I hope that once I get my fibro meds I will be in an even better place. 

I just need to figure out how to exercise more. I have things I want to do and use - it’s just a matter of schedule. Who would have thought that eating, sleeping, and exercise would be so fucking hard to accomplish in life…? I remember when these things were so easy. I remember when I could afford fucking $11 for medication. And when I paid rent on time. 

It’s hard lately not to be resentful of my husband, but I feel like I’m finding a good place with it lately. I know he’s doing his best. It’s just that his best is not good enough. But how could you ever tell a person that you love that? I never would. My parents did that to me my whole life. I chose him, and I will make his best work for me. 

Anyway pills and such. Goodnight, lovelies. Whoever reads this nonsense, I hope you're doing well. 

Yeah

A lot has been happening as well as nothing. 

I stopped smoking weed. Hubby is trying to get a new job, and even though he has his medical card, he can’t be smoking til he’s potential pee tested. So I decided to quit also. It’s not been the most fun thing. We even had a small argument about it, because I never ask him to quit when I have had to in the past, but he really can’t do it on his own, clearly. He’s been emotional and reckless, frustrated angry irritable. It’s been a rough week, and he bought a cleaner that still hasn’t worked, so he’s super on edge. It seems like his job interview went well, and I’m super hopeful that plays out that way for us, but I’m almost scared to feel that way.

I went back on benzos. Day two, and it makes me feel a little sedated. I think it’s been a good thing. It makes it easier for me to eat like a normal person and still feel relaxed. Today I actually ate a normal number of calories. Which is better than my birthday when I binged and purged. I don’t know why food is so hard for me all the time I really excepted that weed is not gonna get me where I want to go in life. Or give me the body that I want and I desperately want to be back in the body that I’m OK with.

I keep having dreams about my parents. Leaving my sons lacrosse game the other night, I just started crying about them. About how unfair they made my life and all of the experiences they robbed me of. I see these smiling highschoolers having normal interactions and I realized that I never got that. I was trapped away the fucking trailer miles away from everyone else like a prisoner in a goddamn tower. And then again tonight watching the kids show because somehow even a cartoon mom is more supportive and lovely than my own was. My mom was a better resentful, emotionally, reckless, hurtful, angry. She was fucking miserable all the time, and never did anything about it so it just trickle down to me and my brother ruining our lives. I know I’ve done the best that I could with this, but it’s still really fucking sucks sometimes to realize.

 They both reached out to me on my birthday, but I don’t even miss them. Well, I don’t miss my mom. I’m honestly very happy that she’s not in my life anymore. It’s hard to realize how damaging she really was. I question my self sometimes, but then, every time I look at it objectively I really sit back and think about how she acted, she’s just a terrible person. The worst part is she pretends like she’s a good person. I wish there was a way I could get my dad and not her, but I know it’s not a possibility, and honestly when we lived with them, he created so much damage and his dynamic with my husband I think I had to just pick sides.  It’s not fair. I started to doubt myself as they called me on my birthday, but then I reread the letter that I wrote to them 2 1/2 years ago, and it all came flooding back. They are so mean and critical and unaccepting of people. Even their own daughter. They would rather have pride than their own daughter. Sometimes I wonder if my dad really realizes how terrible of a mother my mom was. I wonder how he would think about his life for the decisions that he made if he realized how much she fucked us. I wonder if I’ll ever get an answer to that question.

Hubby and I have been doing a little bit better. We had a very long talk the other night, and I think we’re in a good place. Who knows for how long, but I hope it lasts. I just wanna be a good wife and a good mom a good person and a good employee. It’s not easy to do. It hurts a lot to be the nurture for everyone. 

I think lately, I feel good most days, but there has been a lot of stress. Thank God for benzos.

B&P day

It all got away from me yesterday. Idk all the shit going on triggered something. I started justifying everything. 

I binged and purged all day long yesterday…

4 times. Massive purges. Tons of food. Tons of money. I couldn’t stop. They were methodical, planned, and reckless… my head comes out of the toilet panting. I feel high from it. I feel saved and pure and disgusting and vile. I hate it. And I couldn’t stop. I felt so anxious the entire day. 

I didn’t drink tho. Is that a victory? 

I’m garbage

I love sex. 

Because I love when someone worships my body. I love feeling sexy and pretty. I love attention. 

My parents fucked me up by keeping me away from people. 

I learned skills somewhere along the way from books and movies and tv. I learned psychology. It didn’t help me - it made me manipulative. I learned what makes people tick. I learned how to figure it out if their tick isn’t immediately obvious. There have been so very few mysterious puzzles over the years. So many easy ones to solve. This is not even a chicken or egg scenario - the ability was there first. The education and experience only honed a dangerous ability. 

I like a challenge, because I love wining. 

And I’m able to learn from every loss, so I become more dangerous. I’m competitive with myself. I want to be right. I want to be better than everyone else. I frequently somehow accomplish this… I don’t speak unless I know what I’m talking about. I don’t stop until I’m at the top. I don’t do things I’m not good at for very long. 

I cheat life. 

In like every way. My job fucking cheeeeats life. My family situation. My romances. I don’t play by any fucking rules. I do whatever I want to make myself feel good and don’t care about anything except that. 

I just want to feel good all the time. 

I’m not here to do things the “right” way in life. I don’t care if it’s healthy. I don’t care what the masses would say. I don’t care what anyone else would really think. I like to feel alive. 

Maybe because I feel so fucking dead inside so much. Forever it’s been there. This is how I fight it. 

I use people and drugs and food and anything I can get my hands on to feed that “feel good” monster inside.

I cram anything I can find into that gaping hole knowing it’ll never fill it up. But I’ve stopped dumping certain things in a while ago. I don’t dump in the boys anymore. It’s been years since I had any boy fun. I don’t dump in traveling and going out since Covid and baby. I don’t throw in near the amount of drugs I used to. I don’t throw in alcohol. 

I’m left with attention from my husband and baby and ocasional friend, weed, moving my body, being good at my job sometimes, food. 

Only food doesn’t actually make me feel good. Weed does the most. And losing weight.

I need to figure out this cycle. 

I need to figure out how to feel good with the resources I have at my disposal. Because I’m not a person who’s cool with mediocrity, so this cannot become that. 

Even if it already is that, I’ll just keep cheating every system to make sure I keep that exhilarating feeling of being alive. 

Not hurting anyone else, right?

Vid

Fucking hate Fox News but love this guy:

https://www.foxnews.com/health/body-positivity-movement-rejected-health-influencer-weight-loss-journey-morbid-obesity-healthy.amp

The past

 4am reading old blog posts. 

Man, I am a fucked up person. I think I always have been. 

It’s funny how time and perspective change things in your memory. It’s funny to read things now knowing how wrong I truly was. 

It’s fucking uncomfortable. 

I got some things so right and some things so wrong. Who would have known? And what mistakes am I making now unbeknownst to myself? 

Tomorrow I leave silence. I am exhausted by certain things and need space from them. I’m going to do what I need to do to feel good and not worry about the rest for a while.

I can’t plan my future. I’ve never been good at that. I can’t make decisions in life and feel good about them. Still. 

I wonder if any of us ever really grow up. 

Hating him for a decade

I hate when he gets like this. And morbidly, I’m almost used to it.

Ranting, crying, texting, not holding back, headaches, slamming doors, pointing fingers… I’m so exhausted. I don’t want to keep doing these things with him.

No more slamming doors tho. That startled him. Never doing that again. 

I’m so tired of fucking trauma bullshit being the reason for all this. I’m tired of trying to be understanding and not being listened to about anything when I know what the fuck I’m talking about. I’m tired of being encouraging, trying to keep him happy, and forgiving him for the same old shit. I’m tired of his defensiveness and resistance and refusal. I’m tired of him acting like I’m too hard on him when I’m honest and like I’m driving him away somehow and it’s my fault we’re in this situation all the fucking time. 

I WANT MY GODDAM RING BACK.

I’m so tired of him acting like I’m not good enough when the reality of this situation is that I’m too good for him… I had a lot of really good options in my life. I still could, and I know it. I know how to manipulate and play the game if I really wanted to. I could be having so much fun… 

Meanwhile, he has no one else. No one. People get tired of him because he’s so fucking exhausting. 

Yeah I might have some weight I need to lose, but that’s doable. You can’t change your fucking character. 

I’m just waiting to see if the moment comes. The moment where, with absolute clarity, I know what I need to do. I know it’ll come. So I wait. 

And in the meantime, I get thin and cute. 

550 calories today. My nails are done, hair is cut, and I already fit back into clothes I did before. I had a great day until I had to interact with him. 

I can’t fucking wait for him to go out of town so I can get drunk. In 48 hours, I am going to drink so much vodka. I’m going to not eat all day and then float away on a river of vodka. 

Thin dreams, lovers.