I am always so fucking anxious. And fibro is kicking my was.
It’s the 1st, and I haven’t paid rent or about $800 worth of bills for last month. Can’t do shit about it. Can’t pick up my $11 rx, because I have $9 to my name til Monday. And then I’m only getting $400. I’m so fucking tired of being poor. We’re doing worse both working, because dumb shit keeps coming up. I need to really buckle down this month and demand to work more. We discussed a schedule that should work. I just need cooperation.
I’m so tired all the time. Mentally and physically. I get in my head beating myself up about it, but objectively there is a lot of shit that I have to deal with. Too much. That I can’t do anything about. I just hope it gets better soon. The baby going to school so that I can basically double my income is what I’m holding my breath for. Because right now I can’t pay my $1,500 taxes at all.
I’m kind of terrified to even get hopeful about it this school for him. It seems to be too good to be true. It’s a program he was recruited for, and I worry he won’t get in. Because in my mind, the 40 hours he will be there a week means a taste of freedom for the first time in 4 years. And maybe, just maybe, I can go on a date with my husband and take the occasional secret afternoon off that no one needs to know about and have a little money to shop with. I’m so hopeful for those things I could start crying.
But in the meantime, the benzos are treating me well. No weed is working well. I feel better lately and am finding a rhythm with taking them.m. I think I’m doing quite well on the majority of days lately, which is an improvement. I might be held together with pharmaceuticals and toddler hugs, but for right now, that’s fine with me. I have noticed that I am feeling a lot more emotional lately, and I think it’s actually a good thing. I’ve been processing a lot. Grieving a lot. I think I was dulling with weed for so long and now that I’m not I’m actually being emotionally productive.
It feels pretty good.
I felt so fucking good last night at middle kid’s game. It was like a part of me that’s been missing for years is suddenly back. She’s poorer and fatter and older and more awkward, but she is returning. She feels out of place, but the jealous stares from other moms feels good. Running up and down the stadium looking fit feels good. Having an outfit to wear feels good. Having a cute haircut feels good. Yelling and cheering in the windy weather felt good. Living is getting easier. I hope that once I get my fibro meds I will be in an even better place.
I just need to figure out how to exercise more. I have things I want to do and use - it’s just a matter of schedule. Who would have thought that eating, sleeping, and exercise would be so fucking hard to accomplish in life…? I remember when these things were so easy. I remember when I could afford fucking $11 for medication. And when I paid rent on time.
It’s hard lately not to be resentful of my husband, but I feel like I’m finding a good place with it lately. I know he’s doing his best. It’s just that his best is not good enough. But how could you ever tell a person that you love that? I never would. My parents did that to me my whole life. I chose him, and I will make his best work for me.
Anyway pills and such. Goodnight, lovelies. Whoever reads this nonsense, I hope you're doing well.
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