Boys, actually

 Goddam it takes so long to get here when I have a fucking epiphany…

Whoops not supposed to be saying goddam anymore… 

Oh well.

I also need to journal about my mom’s memorial so hard it’s not even a drill at this point, but here we are thinking about other completely unrelated shit, probably to avoid thinking about it. 

Chevy primed me for Husband. 

Like so maybe if you read my whole-ass blog from start to finish in a few days, you mighta made this connection already, who knows, but to me this was a mind blow. Feels so simple but like woah damn. 

So when I met Chevy, I was with ex husband. Chevy liked me. Chevy pursued me to a point. I was hesitant because I was in a relationship. He fucked a girl we worked with. I wanted him to like pursue oME. I wanted him to put in some sort of effort to show me that he wanted me, not just like as a girl, but ME. Because he fucked with several girls we worked with. They all literally told me that he loved me. They said things to him about the fact that they could recognize he loved me, and he didn’t respond to that. I wanted him to tell me. I wanted him to steal me away from ex husband, and I thought I made it pretty clear that it would not be difficult. I was so available if he would have just tried once. I shouldn’t have had to be the one who had to kiss him in the walk-in - I wanted him to kiss me. But in retrospect that is a big expectation. Massive. Who pursues an engaged girl?? So he didn’t. And I married ex husband, and I moved away. 

And then fast forward and basically the same thing happens again. I was with ex husband. Hubby liked me. Hubby pursued me to a point. I was hesitant because I was in a relationship. He DIDN'T fuck a girl we work with…? One that was throwing herself at him that I was witness to. He didn’t fuck with any of those girls. He had the chance to - they literally pursued him. But he like didn’t give in. I didn’t even know all that at the time - I just saw him reject a girl with a perfect fucking body who I’m sure would have been a good fuck to walk me to my car. I didn’t know what the fuck was happening. Then he made me feel special. ME. And only me. That was the difference.

Weird shit. Cried a bit. Still depressed and will surface hopefully at some point to discuss mom memorial.