I’m not going to lie to myself…
I haven’t purged in quite a while at this point… and literally yesterday I fantasized about both getting highly intoxicated, and also fucking a random person.
But I’m not. I’m just skipping dinner. Pretty sure that’s a win… until it’s not.
I am sick af from this fast... I should have ended it long before I did. I don’t think I’ve fasted so long since I was very young. I broke my fast with a smoothie, and I feel sick as hell still.
I left work because I was puking, and I can tell they are all sour about it… My mess is making other people struggle. Like a lot of them. This is not like the places I’ve been before, and a deceased mom is only an excuse for so long. Telling them you’re adjusting is also only an excuse for so long.
I cannot fuck this up. I just need to work hard at this moment and then I can figure out what comes next. But I’ll never get to figure that out if I can’t do THIS right now. It’s like undergrad all over again.
WHY am I so self-destructive?? Will I ever cut that shit out??
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