I thought it would be a good idea to make a list of the things that once I get shrooms or therapy or whatever, I need to resolve. Not the best idea, but I birthed it, so fucking here. Puked it up here; fuck me.
-Religion, fuck. Like I was trying to figure out what to title this like - is it “faith” or “Christianity?” But like nah bro, it’s religion, I think. I think I need to figure out what I’m doing with all that. Like it’s time to dig a little deeper again in some way. It’s been a long time, but fuck it’s so triggering. And idk why. Was it that bad? Is it that bad in other places? Some are so much worse tho… like what’s really right and wrong? I have more questions than answers.
-Massive eating disorder. Generally hate every fiber of my physical being.
-Is my job just a crock of shit?? Like does it even fucking matter? Or do I just perpetuate the issues? Life fucking always sucks forever and ever like it never stops sucking. So what do I do with that?
-The Baby. His whole existence.
-I wish I was a good daughter. I really tried to be. I will never know if I made the right choice, no matter what, because that’s not possible. Idk if I did, but here we are. It feels so exhausting - the prospect of going back. Can’t I just be lazy for once? Why do I condemn lazy so badly and secretly lust for her?
-Why am I so unable to make myself function? How do I stop being so fucking depressed???
-We married the man that treated us badly. Are we still good with that? I know we complain about him a lot, but we do love him.
-Who tf is “we?”
-I think I smoke too much weed. Like why??
-Siblings.
-Former lovers.
-Current friends.
-My destiny to write is unresolved with no current plan or movement toward resolution. I cannot be silent forever. There is little need to be anymore. I can at least start it. I should at least write it. I have the entire thing in me.
- I have so very much to say that it spills over into places in life it does not belong. I walk about the earth sloshing my words on people clumsily and sheepishly, and because I’m so admired, for some odd reason, most people let a splash or two go. I’m witty and fun and lack judgement. You’ll overlook all of my flaws, because I’ll tell you I don’t have any. Those are all intentional things to add to me being interesting and relatable. It’s not trauma at all. Unless you’re into that. And then I’ll abruptly spill too much on too serious of a person, and they’ll question me. And my response is to twist and writhe and escape the clutches of anything that makes me feel like I need to change anything about myself. Even other people who resemble me don’t need to change. We are the “right” ones.
-I can’t handle feeling like anyone leaves my fan club. I feel I need a fan club. I’ve taken all the feedback I can handle in life, and I’m at saturation. If you don’t worship me, stay out of my presence. Then some of them realize at some point that I’m just a sad ass fucking old white bitch with issues talking like I know what I’m talking about, when clearly, I don’t. Because, fucking look around, bitch. This ain’t it. But I’ll try to sell you that it’s better than yours. It probably actually is, is the sad part. I don’t think my life is objectively that bad. It just all feels so very vain. And a bitch will realize and dump me. And the short but impactful list of no answers is pathetic - Victoria, Mikayla, Mandi… They will forget me and write me off as a well-intended know it all who was fucking clueless in reality. We all know the type. Like you know she is kind of smart, but not as smart as she thinks. They all were smarter than me. That’s why they left. That’s why they’ll never be back. Because they saw through me. They saw how fucking pathetic I really am. They saw my mental illness and realized it’s either hopeless, or there is better. And then; there is way better. I’m not as good as I tell people I am. Idk why anyone ever believes me. I’m fucking deceitful. I try not to be, but my default nature is to hide. Hiding is safe. Coming out of hiding hurts.
-Living hurts.
How many shroom trips would you average all of this to be?? What’s the math here, people? What are our thoughts??
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