Grief, as usual

Lately the only time that I ever have time to think or introspect is when I’m in the car, and it’s not the most conducive to journaling...

Visiting War was really extremely overstimulating and saddening. And I guess painful... I really didn’t realize how dysfunctional she truly was until I was on the way there. I don’t think I would even have gone. Her house was disgusting, she chugged caffeine all day long - cracking open energy drinks like they were beers, hitting dabs, and sneaking away to snort. She was fucked up the whole time, told me she's in love with her cousin's husband (like it was some kind of news, and it's not...) and tried to backhandedly hit on me like 3 or 4 distinctly specific times. And maybe I'm just being conceited thinking that she was, but then why was a "we could never sleep together, because you're straight..." comment ever made more than once? She made me literally uncomfortable to the point I didn't feel comfortable sleeping near her. So I tucked away in the back corner of her gross house, covered everything with blankets, and took anything I had with me to get my body to pass out. I did sleep well, and I had a slow relaxing morning, but that's because she must have been up all night snorting shit, so I knew she wouldn't wake up until afternoon. 

I was so sad... I still am.

This person that I love and care about feels gone to me. I didn't realize she was this person, and I could get over most of the issues here, but she made me feel unsafe enough by hitting on me that I felt the need to sleep elsewhere... Not even a man has done that to me before. I realize that face is due to being lucky with the men I have been around AND because with a man, I know Ima put out, or I'm not there. But I've never had someone in a 24 hour period drop so many "hints." I wanted to cry - not because I'm some homophobic stuck up bitch, but because sometimes a friendship dies and the other person just isn’t aware yet, and I think sadly something similar to that happened this weekend.

And I’ve been having a massive depressive spiral since I got back home. 

It’s not helping that my husband is processing things about his past and our lives in real time and leaning on me a lot for those conversations this week. He’s just now grasping things that I understood two years ago about our family, and it’s very draining to relive all of it with him. I wish he would’ve just kept up the first time around when all the crazy shit went down. IDK how he even avoids things for so long before he gets to them, but damn it's tiring to do a whole process with him later in my life that I already did... When we were sitting at dinner, I made a comment about the kids' relationships with each other, and it just about blew his mind... I felt badly that I said it, even tho I know it was true... 

Also, in true summer fashion, my job lately is quite soul-sucking. Nothing new and exciting happens, and it's less hours of work and money, but somehow more *actual* work. It’s just the same old bullshit all summer long until August, and the season picks back up. It’s very draining to interact with and deal with my current clients, because they’re more work, higher demands, higher needs from me, lower ability to do things for themselves, and like fuck, gimme a break. 

I canceled half of my meetings today last minute, and I keep trying to rationalize with myself that at least I didn’t call out completely today, but it’s still not good that I did that. It’s like hundreds of dollars, which I wouldn’t even feel bad about if it wasn’t that I needed that money to support my whole ass family right now... But...

I don’t even care today; I'm so fucking depressed. 

Work lately is so stressful... I just worked so hard to make this transition a year ago, and I’m still honestly learning the reality of all of this, but I don’t know what my plan is for the future of my career. I feel like this ain't it forever, but it's good for now and probably like the next two years and I'll be revisiting this. I need flexibility above all else right now, and this is that. So, we stay. I guess... 

I didn't think I'd ever have to really think about this, honestly. IDK what I ever imagined for a career as an adult, but it was always basic af. And, like I've mentioned prior, I didn't anticipate living past 30-ish for some reason. I always imagined my life to that point - go to school, get basic white girl job, marry average white guy, have a baby, die when baby is young... I don't know when or why I thought that up - I think it was because of seeing the aftermath of and hearing about that car accident when I was a kid, but it fucked me up in that it made me stop planning after "baby turns 4-ish." 

Yet, here we still are.

I know I can’t do this job forever. But for now, I think I need to make it work. The next two years I’m willing to give to this household, but then Ima need to regain 2/3 of my life back. Because it being split into five right now is not okay, and I never actually agreed to that. 

I think another piece about staying at War's house that really bothered me was that it’s such an echo of all of my past.

Being out there in the country in the middle of nowhere just reminds me of my entire upbringing. Being around her specifically reminds me of specific years of my life when I met her between the ages of 17 and 21. And her self-destructive behavior starts to trigger my own self-destructive behavior.

When I see mental instability taking place right in front of me, it makes me want to drink and starve myself and cut. But because I don’t do those things anymore, I just binge and smoke too much pot, and watch TV. 

I think I romanticize drinking a little bit in life at this point tho... I think I remember it as more fun than it actually was. DGMW, there’s a part that really misses drinking and resents the fact that I had to give it up because of my relationship, and not because of my own issue with it, but whenever I hang out with people that have severe addiction, I realize that it’s probably not that great. I'ts likely that drinking was never as shiny as I think it was. 

I really like the life that I have with my husband now, and I’m so pissed and my depression and anxiety step in and ruin it so easy with me sometimes. I think this depressive episode specifically wasn’t even triggered by anything initially... I think before I even went to War‘s house, I was starting to feel depressed, and then being at her house and coming home and being overstimulated and all of the drama with my husband this week - it’s just created an episode that was way worse than it needed to be, and I’ve been really pulling through as much as I can this week, but I’m ready for a day when I open my eyes in the morning and don’t immediately wish I was gonna die...

Intrusive thoughts of death kicked super hard after lunch today. Not because of lunch, shockingly, but just because of no specific reason whatsoever. I really don’t like when that happens...

Fucking emotions and chemicals, and everything is a stupid response to another stupid thing. It’s like it like a row of dominoes, and one will topple over the next, but I’m not sure which one to remove, or if I have to remove two consecutive ones, or what the hell I’m supposed to do when they all top all over... 

I think another piece of this that really bothers me is that I was utilizing War as a type of social support, almost to replace therapy since I’ve not had good luck in the past couple years finding a good therapist... And I’m not saying I would go to her for therapy type advice or knowledge. I don’t need that from her. I would just go to her with my own mental illness complaints not realizing the severity of her's, and thinking that we were connecting a little bit more than we were. I thought she was a healthier human than she is, so realizing that she’s not is part of this sadness for myself. I don’t have the level of social support there that I actually thought that I did. And I can’t maintain contact the way that I originally did, because she’s ruined something nice that we had. I hadn't even been journaling as much, because I just voice memo and talk to her about things, but now I don’t even wanna do that anymore... But I can’t just abruptly stop, because she’s going to notice and know that it’s something she did, and I’m not saying that would be a bad thing, but I don’t really wanna have that dynamic. I like our friendship, and I want to salvage what I can here, but the reality is it’s never gonna be able to be the same thing again, and that really sucks. I was lying to myself before a little, clearly, so I’m grieving it.

Always lots of fucking grief.