Weekend and ambivalence

Two days of restricting. Successfully. My weight has already dropped a bit and I’ve only had about 500 cals per day.

My body gets so weird when I do this. I feel manic. My mind feels sharper. My body feels good. I have a crazy amount of obsessive energy. I don’t get as weighed down or care as much. I feel euphoric. I do more at work with better focus. I don’t know if the starving births the mania or the mania births the starving.

I hope this feeling sticks a while. Instinctually I feel like I’ll be able to ride it through the week.

Weekends are always the hardest for me. This week I have plenty to distract myself with and plenty of mania to carry out plans. But weekends are always when I struggle to restrict. Only this weekend will be different. The kids and hubby will all be out of town and only myself and baby to take care of.

I fully intend to drink. I intend to slowly sip wine throughout the day Saturday and consume no actual food. I plan to do it carefully so that the hunger pangs are dull and my mind is a little fuzzy and my body a little warm but I can still function like a good mommy. Right under the legal limit methodically timed and planned.

Isn’t mental illness a sad thing?

Just a month ago I was in the pages of this blog discussing my need to let Ana and Mia go. But I don’t really want that. Even as I wrote it, I wasn’t sure if those thoughts were true or just an idealized pipe dream. I projected them out to the universe to see if they would stick and they didn’t. They can’t because the reality is I don’t feel that way.

I want them here. That’s why they have never left. I want them to whisper sweet nothings into my ears while I ignore my ambivalence. I want them to talk me into being thin again the only way I know how. I want to listen again. I’m tired of ignoring their voices.

And I can say “only until...” all I want, but the truth is it doesn’t ever play out that way. First it will be “only for a couple weeks” and then “only for a couple months” and then “only until my first goal weight” and then two years will have passed. I will develop rules to keep it in check, but they will not give me the results I want fast enough, so I will abandon them. I will give into the addiction again. For who knows how long or to what extent.

I’m tired of fighting it. I’m tired of being in this body fat in this town again. I am always my heaviest when I live here. Surrounded by people who are in no way fat.

I don’t think eating disorders ever really go away. I feel so broken about it. Something is off. and I don’t know how to think or feel or act to be healthy. I don’t think I ever really will.

So I get the effits, as my therapist says. If you can’t beat them, join them.