Everything is so much work rn, and my brain just isn’t even processing well enough to do it all. The weed probably isn’t helping, but if I don’t smoke, I just pick and twitch and chew all my fucking nails off and sit in panic 90% of the time that’s so severe my brain isn’t working then either.
I’m just this fucked? It’s been 2 weeks of the new life, and I’m having a hard time rn. Too many hiccups and mishaps and my numbers at work slipped last week, and they are cracking down on me.
Fucking again.
Like if I’m still making you a profit and you fire me for not making MORE profit…? That would be insane to me, but not unlikely or impossible at this place.
Makes me miss restaurants. You always know what’s up there. Corporate jobs are fucking miserable. And I’m paying an incompetent idiot to watch my kid while he’s napping, essentially.
Like wtf I just want to work while my babe is in school and then be with him. Do you know wtf I went though in life to have that kid? What I’ve sacrificed and what I will continue to give up for him? He’s disabled and mine and I want to be his mommy and be a better one than me, but capitalism is a fucking whore with gonorrhea.
I feel paralyzed.
Like staring at a wall is the only thing that won’t make my brain spiral. Any other task I try to do, my brain starts tugging on the threads of other associated thought processes, and instantly it’s like an unraveling piece of fabric - all these little threads of other thought processes that produce anxiety start to pull on one another, and that same feeling of horror like “Omgg how bad is this??” that you feel when you pull a loose thread and something unravels floods me. I panic and shut down.
If I let myself think, I’ll think too much. So I bury myself in weed and disassociation waiting for things to naturally lighten up so I can become functional and productive again.
Why does my mind not possess a “moderate” setting?
I’m so fucking over being mentally ill and trying to make this life work… I can’t. I’m always behind. Always failing. Always not doing something someone else seems to do easily. People think I am successful, but I stay mid at best. I’m not some perfect specimen of humanity, but for some reason a lot of people think I am. I’m just fucking smart. Like really smart. Like I know my brain is sooo fucking intelligent in comparison to many others, but my ADHD ass is incapable of doing normal shit, and it’s exhausting. People get glimpses that are so performative and think it’s my norm, but I’m just a fucking train wreck and always have been.
I’m such a fucking waste. Why tf did my parents have me??
I keep having moments where I see how much I fucking HATE my job. I think it’s become cyclical. And then for like 3 days-2 weeks, I can’t make myself do it. And then I get warned. And then I catch up. And then I find a small place within myself to make peace with it. And I’ll be ok for a while. And then my personal life will experience something, and I again hate my job. It’s just how many times can I cut it close and they keep me around?
I am so sick of productivity emails. Emma from my training class is already promoted. I bet she sucks in bed.
Also today ex husband’s birthday. Still don’t know what year lmfao. But I hope he’s happy in the world out there. I feel badly that I never wanted him.
I’m just fucked up…
No comments:
Post a Comment