School drama

So. About taking the job at my kid’s school… 

I won’t say it was a mistake, but I’m doing the things again. The call outs. I just can’t get behind this societal notion that I’m supposed to physically suffer all day on top of my continuous mental suffering (and like, I have fibro so physical is also daily…) for a day’s worth of money. I wasn’t raised with this value in some ways, and in other ways I was. My dad went to work with cancer. Didn’t miss a day. But my mom justified staying home every time she felt like it. She also justified us staying home whenever we felt like it. 

I don’t know what my work ethic even is, but I can tell you that today I realized I have spent such a lifetime thinking hard work would lead to success, and I have come to realize that that is just not always the case. 

Also realized that I have no real dream I’m working toward, because the big 2 were recently shattered in life. Like last year. 

The problem is that I’m leaving people short staffed and needing me. Is there a job I could work where no one really needs me there? I haven’t had one. I always choose jobs where I get too much attention. I’ve been trying to reel myself in here, because I feel like too much. I disclaimered to one and all that I talk a lot. That I can’t stfu in meetings. And everyone says about themselves that they are “too much.” I know this. But I know for a fact I am genuinely too much for some people and too much in some moments. I’m being intentional about things, but I take up too much space very often, and I’ve gotten attitude from others like I’m annoying a few times now. I don’t feel it was warranted, but the two people that did have an insane work ethic where it’s a point of pride for them to have moved up the ranks of the school system. Meanwhile I just got a big ass education that gave me at job 1 what was job 3 for them.  

I re-read my last blog post, and it’s all unfortunately all come to fruition. My attendance is not ok rn. 

Not because of myself being lazy - I literally got assaulted by a kid at school, expressed that I cannot manage this, and the follow up team meeting left me with the rawest deal of the bunch. When the day prior I said the words “I can handle a lot of things, but not this,” and “this is not sustainable for me,” and “I don’t feel safe or comfortable,” and not only did I not get the outcome I needed - my needs were completely not even addressed in a follow up talk. And I know enough about how things function there to know the promises made in the meeting that would have benefited me marginally will not be Telly place for a long time. I don’t complain, so I will  not be the priority  

So I slapped a smile on my face, decided this place will not be the end of me, and proceeded to call out 2.5 days in 3 weeks. I really do have to stop, because not being there puts me so far behind in reality. Yesterday and today there was no malingering. But when I called the office she snapped a bit, “we’ll figure it out.” I get in making her life harder. It’s dominos tho, and I am but a middle piece. No one ever pays attention to the middle pieces; not really. 

The principal handed me the keys to the whole science fair. I don’t have to plan anything, because she sent me everything I would need to do with directions. I think she realizes that if she demands too much of me, I just won’t do it. And she has me pegged there, buddy. It would have been so half-assed. I think she still really likes me, but front desk lady ain’t buying it anymore… 

I’m not smoking now. Because I know I have to find a new job, and that’s the only way to guarantee it happening. I haven’t smoked in 3 days. 

 It’s killing me a little.