Too depressed and disordered

I hate my clients and job and body and relationship and life. I hate the nightmares I have all the time. I hate myself. I am completely not functioning lately.

Yesterday I didn't work. I didn't tell my husband, but I just canceled everyone. I couldn't do it. I laid in bed and binged and purged and binged and spent money I don't have on food.

My bulimia has been completely out of control for days now. 

This morning my tumblr was terminated. Which I'm fucking sad about. I was spiraling already, and now that sense of community, my progress, and the things I needed to safely keep there are all gone. IDK what I should do... make another one immediately and be more careful? Give it up? Try to be Ana without it? Let myself stop trying in the first place with my weight? Try to be normal a while and then get another one and back it up from now on? IDK... 

I'm all over the goddam place. I'm not giving a fuck about work, except I need money. I wish I could make it more easily. I skipped breakfast, purged lunch, ate candy. 

I should probably talk to my therapist about my eating, but I'm honestly scared to. What do I say?? I'm bad at eating disorders, but it's back? I'm so depressed I can barely get out of bed? I feel like she will judge me or I won't be able to express how bad I have actually been lately, and that's stressful in this. I'll schedule an appointment, but then by the time it comes around, I always seem to be doing better magically. I sent her a message, so I'm going to wait for a reply, but fuck...

I'm just at a loss lately... Why am I so fucking depressed? I moved. Into a nice house. I've lost a lot of weight - not as much as I need or want to, but I'm not a fucking whale anymore. I have my kids doing well.

I think it's money stress... I want to be able to shop, plan a trip, splurge on stuff... I can't. I'm barely scraping by with my income. I accidentally spend $100 on a subscription that I need for work, and I panic for hours. Then can't use the money for things my house needs. Then I have to calculate when and where that money will come from. It's exhausting. 

Why is everything in my life taking so fucking long? That's what I really want to know. The past 3 years have been an endless fat, poor, stunted boring mess. No vacations, no progress with my son, no newness... Three YEARS. I'm so fucking over it, and I keep being told by everyone to wait.

I think that's why I don't really think scheduling with my therapist will help. Last time she said wait. She knows I'm not stupid. She knows I've done therapy a lot. She said wait. She pep-talked me, which you wouldn't be able to tell by my blog, but I'm actually quite good at doing for myself. Like it rarely ever even helps. I leave feeling mildly better, but not enough to warrant squeezing it in. I get super low, schedule something, by the time it rolls around, I'm ok... Whatever I complain about, they don't actually know what to tell me to do.

I'm over all this shit.