Sometimes when my anxiety is high I wander around the house in the night. Since I was little; as long as I can remember.
Tonight I’m in such a panic; I can’t stop. Hurricanes and eating disorders and being broke and friend apps and lack of real friends and imposter syndrome and emails from the shit job you hate but are trying very hard not to hate because it’s the sole income for your household. Yeah, those things are adding up.
Fuck, I need pills. And I need them to kick in. My kitty is here to visit me. She’s purring and she never is. Love cats. Hate life, but love cats.
Constant intrusive suicidal thoughts for hours now. Days. All night last night and into this morning. I slept like shit. My body hurts. My brain is confused and unfocused. I feel like I’m cracking up. I used to get this way as a teenager. I don’t remember it happening for so long now. I don’t know why it’s here or what to do about it. I want to rip my own skin off. I want to smoke a fuck-ton of weed so I can calm down. I can’t calm down.
Cancel the world. I can’t do it today.
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