Welcome back old friend

Yesterday, I battled crippling anxiety all day long and became so exhausted that I told my husband I needed to go to bed. “I can’t do today.” I had thrown up dinner, taken lots of my meds, but nothing was making me feel better. I lie in bed and think about the past and cry. I wish someone could fix it for me. I still have no answers on quite a few things, and lately I dream about all of them. I fall asleep at 10pm.

This morning my alarm goes off, but my mind says, “Just sleep.” “But I went to bed at 9:30,” I reply. But it won’t listen. I skip the gym and re-set my alarm and tell myself I’ll go to work on time. But at 6:30 when it goes off again, I feel paralyzed. Depression is here. I’m not tired at all. I can’t be. I’m just fucking depressed.

I knew it was coming. A day when I wouldn’t be able to function. I check my texts to my boss and see it’s been two months since I took a sick day. Last sick day, I was legitimately sick. I haven’t called out of work for depression in months. But today, I know I will. I immediately text her, “I’m throwing up. The kids are throwing up.” When in reality, the only throwing up lately was me on purpose. She gives me the day off, and I block out all thoughts of what needs to be done. I tell myself I’ll get back to life tomorrow and work extra hard. I realize that several months without a day like this is actually quite a bit of progress in my life. There was a time where I called out probably every week.

It’s funny how I can always feel it coming. It’s like when you’re standing outside and it’s about to rain. You just know. The shift in pressure and humidity and the way the birds act; even just the smell of things. I know a day like this is coming long before it ever arrives. And just like the rain, sometimes it blows over, and sometimes it pours on me. Last night, I knew. I tried to do all the things that usually snap me back to life, but nothing worked.

So today I’m at home. Tired and sad. For no good reason. Sometimes it takes a day like this to get myself back to functioning.

I just hope the clouds blow over tomorrow.