Second divorce time?

Shit with my husband is real bad. I am so checked out. 

And I think I was the one who was keeping us together by bending over backwards, and I'm not doing that anymore... It's not even appreciated. 

I'm over the bending and warping and pushing and clawing and scratching to get things done. I'm tired of stretching myself too thin and then being treated like a bitch when everyone else pushes me to the point of exhaustion and I snap. There is cause and effect in place here. 

None of them seem to recognize that I don't owe any of them anything. There is this narrative like they need to tiptoe around me. But the thing is, they don't actually do that... They act entitled about 24 hours after I lose my shit. They see my point when it's stabbing them, and then go back to their place of complacency. And he's always done this, and now his kids do also. He did this at Egret, so I moved out. He did it again at Woodlot, so I moved out. 

I'm about to fucking move out again... I'm going to pay for October, but I cannot promise November. He keeps saying we "need to figure out logistics." Do you know how much of a relief it would be to be able to pay my work invoices instead of his fucking car payment?? It would be so extremely easy and relieving to just take myself and my things and my child and fucking leave. 

I said not nice things in my texts this morning. And they are all true. And I don't want to take any of them back or apologize, because the reality is he needs to adjust his behavior a lot, and he keeps saying he's not changing anything else... He has said things that he has not apologized for, which indicates he means them, and if I am really THAT person in his mind, then this is never going to work anyway. 

I don't have it in me to do it anymore in life for people. I will not do 90% so that someone else can do 10. I can't do it. 

I would rather be Cheri. 

I don’t need people

Attention all: I don’t need fucking anyone. 

I don’t need parents. I don’t need friends. I don’t need a man. I don’t need anyone on this planet except my goddam self. And I’ll be just fine with that. I’ll be happy and content if every motherfucker who tries me drops dead, in about one week after their passing. 

My husband feels entitled to call me lazy and neglectful of my kid. I meet every single one of my child’s needs without any help. Him being the one to be a stay at home doesn’t benefit me - it benefits him. And if he keeps trying me, I will leave him. Not even to go find another man. I’ll leave to go be by my goddam self, and I’ll be happy going. 

I don’t need your lack of income, children baggage, or credit score. 

It’s simple really - I will cut my hours to baby’s schedule, (and still bring home enough to pay MY bills), leave this bitch house, take my car and cat, pack what I want in a few boxes, and move into an airbnb. It’s been that simple for the past 4 years. And I’m done putting up with his shit. I’ll drink and fuck new men and never fucking cook and go visit my friends and go on trips when you have our kid. And I won’t give a fuck what’s happening in your life. You and your two other kids can figure it out the 3 of you, and it won’t be my problem. I’m fucking over handling all of your problems for 12 years for you to act like I’m doing anything wrong. 

“I’ve changed so much for you.” Yeah, because you actually needed to. I’m a motherfucking goddess. I don’t need to do anything differently - I’m fucking too good for all this shit already. So no, I won’t be taking your feedback. You’re a needy, pathetic, whiney, mooching, excuse of a man who I could do better than. Easily. Go clean the fucking bathrooms, and shut the fuck up. 

I don’t rely on anyone. I never needed to. I never have. I won’t suddenly start now. I always have an option to meet my own needs and my kids needs. I meet his needs - not you. Don’t suddenly get it twisted because you get to spend the most time with him. 

Know your fucking place. 

I told him I need a break from him. Idk how he will respond, but I mean it… I don’t have it in me anymore to nurse his wounds. He has it too good, and he doesn’t seem to realize that.

Tomorrow we stonewall, starve, and caffeinate. 

Because, as I said: I don’t need ANYONE. 

That is all. 

Money

I’m so fucking behind financially. I can see where I would have the money if I were stricter, but I can’t be lately. I have been so exhausted by Covid and poverty, that spending a little here and there for clothes or experiences or dates has been something I’m just doing and don’t care. And I need to care. It’s a problem at the moment. 

I’m going to get a new job, but my current one I’m backlogged on bills for. And I need a business loan, but my credit is garbage from Covid, and I don’t have anyone left to bail me out. The bridges are burned like a Salem witch. I owe so much money… a staggering amount, and I’m going to have to get my husband to help me budget so that we can get out of this mess. 

I’ve been avoiding my notes all weekend. I didn’t work Friday. I have been sick and having feverishly bad dreams. I could be doing better than this… and I need to. I still have half of today to get myself to a better place. I need his cooperation… I could have a massive panic attack just thinking about all the things. I also have rent due. Like how am I not making enough money?? 

I hate it all and want it to stop. 

We all have jobs

It’s been a rough month. And I’ve smoked the past 3 days. I know that’s stupid given it’s going to potentially sabotage my plans but I can’t survive otherwise… I hit a wall the past couple days and have been insanely suicidal and depressed. 

And my husband acts like when I work from home that I’m not working… Which I’m not - I’m binging and purging and wasting time and money, but that’s not his concern. I’m allowed to self-destruct outside of his knowledge if it’s not impacting us or our family poorly. And two days is not. 

He wants a lot out of me the past couple days that’s not how we have our lives delegated rn, so I’m not doing it… he fought for control over dinners, so he has them. And I’m not going to shop for them or plan them or cook. I’m going to provide a budget. 

 It would be different if he were nice. But he wants to be rigid when it benefits him and not when it doesn’t and I’m not playing that anymore. If we say it’s your job, it’s your job. No one does mine for me. 

Moderation

 I think moderation can be achieved by simply cycling through your extremes in behavior more quickly. 

Is that wisdom, or am I just missing the point?

Status

I have Covid, a bruised finger, $50 in my checking account, a full lucrative day of meetings scheduled for tomorrow that I really need to attend, and I miss my dad.

I basically told my husband I’m trapped in my life. He hasn’t addressed it. 

I really do wish I had permission to die now.  

I want to run away

I’m so fucking over it. 

By “it,” I mean “life.” Like completely. All of it. I work so hard to be intentional with managing my mental health the best that I can, and it doesn’t matter, because I married an asshole, and was born into a family of fucking losers, and gave birth to a burden. 

I can’t do anything to make my own life better without ruining someone else’s. That’s really not fair. It’s not fixable, and it’s not fair. 

My fate was set in stone in 2017, back when I thought I had a family and was creating a larger one. Turns out, that family really didn’t like me, as I had suspected since childhood, and the one I created is a terrible one. I chose a man less functional than myself, and we birthed a child less functional than that, with two kids tagging along as baggage. Baggage that blew up once the plane was in the air.

I did this all wrong. I picked wrong. And there’s no way to go back and pick differently. This just is my life now - doomed to never be nurtured, but expected to nurture everyone around me every moment of my life. I chose all this. But I didn’t realize what I was picking.

I get the women who run away. I understand Amber’s mom. I would run away to New Mexico. It seems like a lovely place to run away to. I get Victoria. As dumb as she is, I get it. I get the moms who kill their own child and then themselves. I don’t get it, but I get how someone’s headspace could go that way. The world is a horrible place, and everything is just pain. So if I prevent their inevitable suffering and also end my own, what wrong could that do? They seem like good solutions at the time, I guess. 

I can’t imagine how trapped a bitch must feel… I feel badly for them that they must have felt even worse than this… 

And the saddest part is that I complain to my husband that I feel like I lack nurturing, and I don’t think he really wants to fix that. He’s the only one who can. But I don’t think he cares. I think he thinks I won’t leave over it, so why fix it? He knows it’s not a dealbreaker for me. I think he feels he has made enough changes for me, himself, whatever, and this one is not going to get better. Because he won’t try. I can see that he doesn’t want to.

I’m really struggling to accept that it’s not going to get better. Why is it taking me ten years to accept this?? I feel like such a fool.