Hater

I'm pissed and SUPER fucking annoyed...

With the bestie: for being SUCH a fucking needy bitch all the time and flirting with my man and every other fucking man on the planet and being so emotionally codependent that she fucking going back to the piece of shit she just left, because after a couple of months dealing with her crazy, ALL other guys leave her. I hate how fucking dysfunctional she is and how she acts like it's just fucking ok to be that way and like she's not the one who's responsible to get her fucking head on straight. It's not fucking cute to be a mess and it's not fucking funny the way she acts. She's fucking pathetic and exhausting.

I'm pissed with Lolly: for having no fucking self-respect and inconveniencing my life only to put hers back into a shitty place. And for not thanking me for fucking helping her all the goddamn time and not doing me any fucking favors in return.

And I'm pissed that these are my "best" friends in life. And I can't address half this shit with them because I HAVE in the past, and it doesn't fucking matter because they don't fucking LISTEN. They just keep fucking up their lives and then want to whine about it when it's fucking shitty.

Like, GODDAMN FUCK OFF. 

My goddam vagina is on fire, and my ovaries are about to fall out, and everything is making me so mother fucking angry, I could spit acid.

I'm pissed as well that this fucking semester and taking addictions is BULLSHIT, and I don't really want to confess my "slips" and I just want to fucking drink and not hear about it from other people. I don't really give a flying fuck what people have to say about that habit AT ALL, and I wish Jay would just shut the fuck up and stop trying to be fucking helpful, because it's fucking NOT.

And I wish the goddamn power-tripping intern lady would not be such a CUNT.

Thank you, that is all.

Adam and Alcohol

The Adam stuff is all settled. At least on my end.

He never responded to my text saying he was dead to me and not to talk to me at work. He left e alone for a couple shifts, and then the last couple shifts we worked together, he kept getting in my conversations, saying things directly to me or about me, calling me by name.

My response has been to completely ignored him. I don't make eye contact, don't respond, don't look in his general direction, and walk away when he starts talking. I want to scream at him to shut the fuck up and call him names, but instead I just keep with the silent treatment, because I feel like that's far more impactful in this situation.

Then, two nights ago after work, it all came to a head. I went out and drank with my coworkers. I wanted to hang out with Ee and decompress a bit because there's been a lot of drama and bullshit going on lately. Ee and I went to the usual spot, but everyone else had gone to a different place. I texted Dani and asked her where she was and who was there. She told me the place and named off like 7 people. When I arrived, there were 8... Adam was there. Mr. "never goes out and doesn't drink" was standing there in his tank-top and basketball shorts with a beer in his hand. I decided to turn it on hard, and really make it a point that he was being ignored. I stripped down to my undershirt and went over to where he was standing in a group. I hugged all of them, save him, and and chit-chatted and laughed and giggled and was handsy and never once even looked in his direction. I threw myself around and flirted and even guys who were not in our group took note and started talking about me in range of Adam. One of my coworkers bought me a drink and when Ee asked if I wanted another one, I said that Jay was buying me one right as Adam came to talk to Ee. Another guy who used to work with us who at one point tried very hard to sleep with me was there, and I used the shit out of him, hugging him and getting tons of attention.

Ee and I were laughing like crazy, watching all the players who didn't even know they were players, and enjoying ourselves. It was epic.

But it kind of kicked off a little bender to be honest. I drank yesterday and the day before as well. I felt like it. I wanted to. My professor gave us an extension on our papers, so I decided to lay out by the pool, get some sun, cook a meal (skinny for my portion, of course) and drink a bit. The fiance and I had a fucking nice evening... I needed it.

I think I'm starting to decide my views on drinking via this class. I like to drink and do drugs. I don't think I have an actual problem. I just went two weeks with not a substance in my body. While that's the most sober I've been in ten years, and I'm proud, I'm also not feeling like it's something I need to keep up with... I want to be able to enjoy myself and drinking is part of that. Plus, for some reason, it's easier to chill about food when I drink a little.

And I don't like binging and purging. I've done it a few times lately when I was stressed, and I really don't fucking like it.

How can he love me?

I've been feeling like I'm a milisecond away from crying for days now...

Class on Wednesday was exhausting and mentally draining. I was on campus from 9am-10pm and dealing with all kinds of emotional shit... I can't even really explain the experiences I had, but when I was driving home, I started crying.

I hate myself. I hate the person that I am at this moment - eating disordered, fat, slutty, and addicted.

Yesterday we went to the beach for the man's birthday. Jordan wouldn't stop texting me, even though I wasn't responding. I'm going to block him. I got drunk, even thought I'm not supposed to be drinking right now, and got too hot at the beach with no food in my stomach. I ended up throwing up twice and felt extremely fucked up. The man and I got into two fights... Then he drove us home. I tried not to act like I was extremely sorry, because I feel like I shouldn't be in a way.

Today, I'm shouldning all over myself.. I should not have drank yesterday. I should have let him enjoy his birthday and taken it easy and not let myself get all fucking sick. I should have been the DD. I should have taken charge more. I should have packed better. Should, should, should.

I don't know why the fuck he loves me. I feel like I am the most disgusting and unlovable person on the planet. I have violated his trust so many times and done such awful shit. I'm gross and ugly. I'm worthless and lazy and trashy. And I know he sees all of this. I fear that one day, he'll just get too sick of it all and leave me.

I texted him that I felt lonely and started crying. There's something wrong with me.

He told me he loves me and will be home to cuddle me soon. I hope it's all true...

Adam talked

Adam told people. About us. He flashed it around just enough that word got out, and we got into a huge argument. Then, he disconnected. As usual, during the coversation, he checked out and stopped responding. 

I got mad. I was hurt and angry, and I unleashed it. 

I told him off to the point that he said I was taking it too far. I didn't care. I wanted him to feel something. I wanted him to react and respond. He did - he told me not to talk to him outside work. 

At work, it was drama. Gossip and people asking a million questions. I made up a story that made him look bad, and I spread it to all the necessary people. After all the conversations, I found out that he had told people before this incident. I told him at the end of the night that I wanted to talk a little after work. He said we would, but he didn't come talk to me, and he left. I texted him later, but he didn't respond. I got drunk, vented to my friends, did some blow and texted him again. I told him he was dead to me and not to talk to me at work anymore. 

I asked Jon if he ever told anyone about me and Adam. He said he never would, it wasn't his place. I told him, "I guess he's been spreading things around." He replied, "That wouldn't surprise me. He ruins every good thing he ever has." It makes me want to cry just thinking about the entire scenario and how Jon thinks I'm a good thing worth having... 

Our evening at work together was full of me flirting with boys in front of him to the point where he looked crestfallen. I used them like little pawns, and they all did exactly what I needed them to. I wanted him to feel like he's missing out and like he fucked up, like everyone else wants me and they might be getting me. I know he was jealous the second time around when I was at his house that evening and his comments about me fucking other guys came out of his mouth. I know he was jealous last night. He was uncomfortable. He looked sad. His reactions have been emotional, but his lack of communication has been selfish and his mouth running extremely disrespectful. I know he wants me, but I don't think he respects me or knows how to handle me. 

He's fucking a girl we work with who's a completel bimbo with a boyfriend. I know it won't last. I know this. And I know how messed up he is, but my fucking girl jealous emotions are reeling. He's hidden it pretty well, and he's definitely tried not to let me catch on. I wonder, though, if it's because he wants to maintain me or her. I feel like gravitates to her because she's young and easy. She's naive and won't ever pressure him. She's like Maggie. The girl wears butt pads for godsake. She's no curvy hippie... And he literally knew she wanted to bang him and literally avoided it for months. I know I could ruin it with one conversation with her, but I won't. If he leaves me alone, I'll do the same. I'm better than all that. 

I'm still processing all the factors, but I know this all played out for the best. It, however, still stings. I have my real world. I have my closure. Just like I've had before with all the other side boys, I let them go in anger when they won't be honest with me and cling to the man I actually love. I did it with Gerard and Bird and Bogs... The ones I let in more than once are always a messy situation. 

And I end up missing them. I watch them go on to date or fuck other girls who I know don't measure up to me, and I think about them sometimes in the middle of the night. I always wonder if I'm special to them. If I meant anything. I'll never forget the evening when Bird told me I was a stupid bitch for being with Chris because he hit me. And the evening be told me he wanted to marry me. I know he loved me. I'll never forget the night Bogs said, "you are and always will be special to me." And I'll never forget the night I spent at Gerard's house when I could literally feel how much he wanted me to be with him then and forever. With Adam, I'm not sure... I don't think he let himself get to the point where he cared about me like they did. He cut it off to early and moved on to a girl he doesn't have to feel anything over. But I know he thinks I'm amazing. I know he loves me as much as he would let himself love anyone. 

I have to stop this process. I have to let this one go more quickly and with less emotion because of the situation. 

I need to stop getting a new boy when we break up. Hopefully that just never happens again and I don't need a fallback boy, because they never measure up... I wish I knew how to handle relationship issues without just getting a new one. It's like when your dog runs away and you immediately go get a new puppy. I do that with boys. Only sometimes the dog comes back home and I have to give the puppy away then. 

No one will ever be CS. That's why he's the one I'm going to marry. I need to realize that there's only one of him and one day he will have all his shit together. I just need to let go of our messy past. 

And I need to figure out why male attention is such a sickeningly strong need for me. 

Mia

Some days I wake up and just know it's going to happen. Before I even step on the scale or worry about my life stressors or anything... I know Mia is going to take over. 

Totally unpleasant b&p. My semester is starting and I don't have my internship sight for next semester. I am broke as fuck and unable to get anyone to give up a shift. I didn't get to see the fiancé all day yesterday because when I finally got home he had drunk himself to sleep. I'm fat. I've been an alcoholic lately; I've been drinking every freaking night. I've been stressing like crazy. 

It makes me feel like shit and better simultaneously. How is that possible? 

Open brain, empty on blog

I'm settling down about Adam...

However, there is a certain amount of intimacy that suddenly exists with him. It's frustrating because I hate it and love it simultaneously. It's nice that he's not acting SO fucking exhausting and strange, but it's annoying that he took so long to get this way and that I constantly have to remind myself where the boundaries are.

He constantly cracks jokes and converses with me, references conversations we've had before, stays close, texts me back, even tells me his plans to go out... He and Al were talking about me tonight. I overheard them, and he said, "We have a different type of relationship." He was telling him that we're close. He said "different" but his tone said "special." Dom made a joke about how getting me was like wining the lottery and Adam chimed in, "We call that hitting a jackpot."

I'm a little fucking scared that he might run his mouth... It's scary/frustrating that John knows. After the Dom comment when we both walked away, he told me, "I almost said something totally different..." and I told him he better not. He laughed and smiled and told me he wouldn't say things in front of people, but I feel like he suddenly wants to tell people, and I don't like that uneasy feeling. 

He likes me. I know it, and while I kind of like him, it's not enough for anything. It's nice to get the attention, though. I think he likes to fantasize that we're close and there's potential. But, the reality is we will never be anything more than coworkers who hooked up. Buddies.

In reality, I love my fiance like fucking crazy, and I deeply fear that he could somehow find out about this last little fling. It's all too close, and this town is real fucking small sometimes. It makes me feel dirty and annoyed with myself. I hate that I let someone who's not worth the effort get into a place where he doesn't belong. If I were single, I still wouldn't let him have that much more than he currently gets. But the fact that I'm not makes me fucking pissed at myself that I let him have anything at all.

Anyway... Fucking boys suck...

My weight has dropped and plateaued. I lost about 7 pounds, and it's stayed off even with a couple current bad habits, which is encouraging. Now, it's time to lose a little more again. I need to restrict hard for another couple weeks so the cycle repeats itself. A slow decline...

Today was pretty good... I have to lay off the drinking for a while, though. I have been getting wasted, binging, purging, not planning my food enough... Today was good only because I ran errands all day and then went to work. Also, today is the first day I did not drink in a long-ass time. Like ten days or something. Crazy how much I have been drinking.

Anyway, I'm off to bed to try to sleep and forget all about the crap I just unloaded on here.

FML - Adam and the rest

I can't let it go. I can't stop thinking about it... I

I enjoy Adam. And that only happens with a very select few people in the history of Cally. Most of the guys I've fucked around with weren't anything that made me get all that excited. The physical aspects were always more of obligation so that I could get more attention. I used the physical to feel power. I got off on the attention. In reality, out of all the guys I've messed around with, there's only a few that I wanted the physical stuff with also. And Adam is one of them, which is what makes this shit so difficult. I want his attention, and I love the way he touches me. 

I texted him tonight. Something casual, but I wish I wouldn't have. He didn't respond, and I don't expect him to. He doesn't work tomorrow, so that's a relief. I don't know how I should interact with him now. I should probably ignore that this ever happened, but I don't know if I can...

It was so hot. The way he put his hands in my hair, the nibbling, the telling me to keep my hands out of things, him telling me how good I feel, him giving me a peck on the ass when I leaned up, and the fact that he was kissing me. And when I mentioned that he was kissing me, he just did it more. It wasn't, "when I kiss you I get emotional about you, so I don't want to." It was, "I like you. Kiss me and let me seduce you."

He let himself get drunk and go for it. It's so rare for him. I feel bad but also so fucking honored. 

The finance knows something is up. He hints. I hint back. I promise from now on. I'll be faithful from now on. I make jokes and use sarcasm and avoid details. He knows. But he doesn't want to know. So he's going to let it slide this time, but I think we both realize that's the last time he will. It's also the last time I ever want to do something like this, because I don't like how it makes me feel. 

But I did last night. And that's the fucking issue.