Ana is back, and so am I

It's amazing how quickly it all comes back once you let it...

My lovely ED. I have missed you. I'm thrilled you have returned to me. 

The rules flood my brain, numbers, calculations, decisions... Slowly at first. A few impromptu things here and there that show me where I'm headed. A meal skipped, a denied treat offered by a coworker, a calculation of my daily intake, a food item with only "Ana approved" items. The rules start slowly implementing themselves while I simply sit back and watch. 

I struggle for a few days. Don't remember the rules or don't think of them at every moment. I'm weak. I hate that feeling, and my disgust for my weakness outweights even my disgust for my fatness. 

I take quick trips to the bathroom to purge when I've gone too far. This lasts a couple days, and then I give in to the rules so that I don't have to keep doing this. 

I don't like Mia. I do at first; there is a liberating feeling associated with purging the food that just held me captive, but I don't enjoy it anymore after a few times. Mia is not for daily life. Mia is for forced food gatherings, evenings out, and drunkenness. And I know deep down that Mia will get me caught. Especially with the boyfriend who is actually so much more observant of me than the hubby ever was.

So, I tuck Mia away for those special occasions, and Ana takes over. She does not like feeling bloated or vomiting. She is so effortless and lovely, and she knows what is and is not ok at all times. She is always in control and she is happy. She loves herself and shows me how to do the same. 

I'm patient with the scale for a few days while my body tries to figure out what to do with so much water and so little food. It jumps back and forth, high numbers and then low with no rhyme or reason. My stomach bloats and sinks in strangely, looking huge at times when it is empty and frustrating me. But I just keep doing what Ana says, and I wait. 

The scale gets it eventually. And so do I. The numbers slowly slip away, and I start to finally feel sane. 

I feel alive once more and like life is worth living. I set my goals, I buy my safe foods, and I plan out everything perfectly so that Ana and I can be happy together. 

I feel so much better when I'm with Ana. I feel so much better when I'm skinny. All the work in the world is worth it. 

Today's intake:

1 banana

3oz chicken

1cup spicy sautéed veggies

I'm down 3lbs since last week. Time to lose the rest. 

Time to think thin. 

Drugs and fat

Drugs I have done:

Weed

Shrooms

Coke

Ex

Molly

Adderal 

Bars

Vico

I'm so fat. Disgustingly so. I want to be thin, but my life keeps getting in the way of that. 

I need to get myself together. 

I need my body to do what I want it to do. 

I need to focus. 

Wasted

I'm drunk. 

High and drunk and just fucked my boyfriend. Like a fucking porno...I don't know what comes over me when I'm like this but my sex drive is out of control... Probably because I'm not thinking about how fat I am for once...

I love him. I wish I didn't. He's such a piece of shit. But I love him. 

Bird texted me. It's been so long I had given up on him. But he did. 4:45am. Some punctuation. 

I told myself I wouldn't text back but I'm thrilled he still wants me. Or at least thinks he wants me. 

Maybe if I ever man up enough to leave this asshole, I'll have someone who can at least take me on a date and spend some money on me before I fuck them. 

I'm over all this shit, yo. 

It's almost time to fly solo. 

Who is me?

When I read my last entry, I don't even remember myself... The past few months have been insane. 

I'm working two jobs, still fat, and have no time for me ever. 

I need to regain me. But it's hard when you're physically exhausted all the time from working but can't give up any work without that leading to no bills getting paid. There's so much I wish I could just walk away from, but it's not that easy...

I'm tired of my life. My body, my relationships, my jobs, and my person who should be so much more developed by now...

I need drastic change but don't know how to make that happen. 

Huge and Hungry for Change

I'm huge.

I was looking back through my facebook today at photos of myself with shorter hair and tanner skin and thinner... Back when I was partying every night and feeling fabulous...

I want that me back. I want her, not this body I'm trapped in. I need to lose weight. Seriously. I need to get my shit in order and drop the twenty pounds making my face look like a blimpie sub.

I know my issue... I'm just a mess. That's literally the issue. I'm a huge mess who spends no time on herself because she's so preoccupied with all the shit everyone else puts on her. I've been struggling financially, goals-wise, and with my relationship and weight...

I want ME back. I had me for a while... A year ago, and even just several months ago... I was selfish. I was doing only what I wanted and nothing I didn't want to do. And then at some point, I put on my girlfriend/mom/model employee pants, and they're two sizes too big...

I'm very torn about the boyfriend going away for a while... I selfishly want him here every moment because I adore him so much, but at the same time I know it might be good for me because I'll be forced to focus on myself and only myself.  MY finances, MY body, MY weight, MY goals, ME, and no one else.

But the other half of me is extremely depressed lately.

I'm so emotional and upset and torn over so many things. I know it all boils down to the fact that I don't know what's about to happen to the boyfriend, but that knowledge doesn't help when I have my breakdowns. I start sobbing lately SO easily. I was holding him on the couch last night and started crying, started crying when I was laying in bed with him this morning, started crying on my way home from work... Started crying just now writing this.

I'm scared to be alone. So scared...

The Boston marathon tragedy that happened yesterday is all over the place, and I saw this image last night.

The boy's girlfriend died. And he sobbed over her body and refused to leave her.

It kind of put things into perspective a bit, and I know it's morbid, but I started thinking... He can never get her back. Ever. No matter what, she's gone. And I need to realize I'm lucky that at least I'll be able to have my darling back at the end of all of this.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll be a little more focused on me and myself and feel better about every other element of my life.

I can't let anything hold me back... Not even myself.

B&P

Spent all day yesterday binging and purging. I didn't even get anything accomplished on my day off because that's literally all I did.

I'm worried when the bf is gone and I'm alone it will happen way too much... I'm so worried.

Time passed and things changed

It's been so long since I've posted anything. My life has been a beautiful disaster over the past year. I can't even begin to catch up on what's happened and what's about to happen, but... Here's something...

I have a new job. This came about not by choice, but because my previous place of employment went out of business. It's going ok I guess... I work a LOT of hours, and the staff is nice enough. There are no super pushy guys trying to fuck me all the time, which is a plus... The only thing I miss is having REAL friends at work... Jenny and Gerard and  Bird and everyone else... They were like my family.  

However, Gerard and I are no longer friends. Basically, he's too fucked up... Makes wrong decisions too often, and turns out was not a good friend to me when it really counted, when he should have been. I haven't talked to him since January. I don't really miss him personally, as horrible as that sounds... But I do miss his accessibility. I miss how he listened to my whining and always told me everything would be ok and how I could call him to hang out at a moment's notice and he would be there... I don't have anyone like that in my life currently. It actually really stinks.

Bird and I still talk. He wants to hang out, and I've made plans I didn't go through with twice... Partially because I've gained weight and partially because the prospect of seeing him makes me nervous. I miss him, but I know if I hang out with him, he'll try to fuck me, and I don't want that... I don't want to mess around with him anymore, regardless of how much attention he pays me. I want to be faithful to my boyfriend. He's worth it to me.

The boyfriend and I are doing amazing... We've been through a LOT over the past few months, and our relationship has been... Well, insane, basically... But after many nights of arguing and screaming and fighting and breaking up, we've finally reached this place where it feels right, and it's working. He stopped drinking, and he's become this whole other person.. The person I always knew he could be. He treats me amazingly, like I'm the most desirable beautiful treasure of a woman God ever created. I never knew someone could complete me so much, and I really feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I love him more deeply than I even loved my ex, and MUCH more deeply than I ever loved the husband... It's so different.

The only issue is his incredible amounts of baggage, some of which is really going to affect my life soon. He got arrested, for a violation of probation. And now he has a trial on the 24th and the judge will tell us what's going to happen. Basically, I'm pretty certain he's going to serve some time. And I'll be alone.

So alone. I'm worried about it. I've never been alone, and without him to spend my every day with, I'll be more alone than I've EVER been. I barely have any close friends now because of changing jobs, getting rid of some people who didn't deserve my time, etc. I honestly just hope I don't go crazy.

I've been feeling my ED creep back up on me, and I know when he's gone it's going to run rampant. Part of me is ready for that... I've been wanting to get my skinny body back, and it's time... But I'm also nervous about how bad I could get...

Only time will tell.

Today's goal: 500 calories and no weed.

Think thin, ladies.